All I Wanted: A Joshayley Fanfic

Chapter 12 - Headed For A Cliff

*HAYLEY'S POV*


'Get ready for a surprise tonight! I'll pick you up at 8 - wear something nice! - Gilbert.'

I reread the text for what felt like the thousandth time, my stomach clenching into knots. This wasn't like Chad - his steady nature was comforting to me; he never did anything I didn't expect, and that was what made him my rock. I wondered if this was related to how he had been acting of late.

In fact, it was the safety and strength Chad radiated that was what I had been drawn to. I wasn't quite sure if it could be described as love; it was more that I was attracted to his constancy and dependability. His arms were like towers; when they were around me, I felt at home. But I could say the same thing about a brother or a best friend. When I kissed Chad, there was no spark. No passion. It was completely different with Josh. What we had was powerful and volatile, and when I kissed him, everything went up in flames. I couldn't be as certain about it as I was about Chad, and that frightened me, but there was no way I could suppress it.

I was certain that I loved Josh, and I couldn't say that about Chad. It was unforgivable to be leading him on while I felt this way about someone else, which was why I knew I had to break up with him for both their sakes. Maybe doing it on a surprise date wasn't ideal, but, like I'd told myself yesterday, it was always going to be a horrible situation. I had to be strong.

I told myself this repeatedly as 8 o'clock drew nearer, and I got ready for Chad to arrive, to subdue the feeling that I was dressing up just to dump my boyfriend. I rifled through my wardrobe, finally pulling out a short, sleeveless navy dress with ruching detail and a sweetheart neckline. I did up my hair with pins and did my makeup subtly, with the exception of a deep red shade of lipstick. As I looked at myself in my dressing room mirror, I thought I seemed even more pale than usual; pretty, but sallow-looking somehow.

At 8 o'clock precisely - for once, I was dead on time - I put on a pair of blue ballet flats and waited by the door for Chad to arrive. Within two minutes, the doorbell rang and I opened it to find Chad standing there in a black tux and holding a bouquet of roses. Holy crap, I feel so bad right now. He's made such an effort. And guess what I'm about to go and do?

"Hey, baby. You look gorgeous," he said, leaning in to give me a kiss. I turned my head slightly to the side so it landed on my cheek rather than my mouth. "Happy anniversary!"

Happy anniversary?!

Shit, shit, shit. I can't believe I forgot about that! God, I feel so awful right now I could just die right here.

"Happy anniversary!" I replied. I gave a fake smile, trying to disguise my mounting mortification.

"What's five years? Is it, like, 'paper' or something?"

"Paper?" I asked distractedly, looking over his shoulder at his car that was parked up on my drive. Its gleaming bodywork was undoubtedly the result of an expensive clean and wax. He'd really gone all-out for this night out. "Oh, you mean like a Paper Anniversary? Yeah, I think it's paper for five years. But doesn't that really refer to when you've been married for five years, rather than just dating?"

"Yeah, I guess. Married." He looked at me, unspeaking, for several seconds, making me feel a little uncomfortable, and then quickly changed the subject. "Well, let's get going," he said, gesturing for me to get into the car. That was a bit weird.

He helped me inside, and we started heading towards Central Nashville. The cab seemed enclosed and stifling. I felt claustrophobic, like I was trapped inside a bubble and I was using up all the air inside. Chad broke up the silence with periodic remarks about insignificant things, but I was too distracted with knowing that I was going to break his heart that evening to reply with any more than small noises of acknowledgement. I could tell his mind was also elsewhere, and he was just filling the time with anything he could think of before we reached wherever we were going and he would presumably tell me what was bothering him. I deduced it was probably what had been causing his strange behaviour, so I was anxious on top of all the guilt I was already feeling. Overall, it wasn't a very enjoyable ride.

Eventually, we pulled up outside a fancy restaurant - one of those really expensive, romantic affairs with a balcony and couples everywhere. I could hear live musicians playing inside, and the muffled hubbub of relaxed chatter. I gasped a little - not because of what I saw, but because I realised the lengths Chad had gone to in order to impress me, and I felt almost sickened about what I was going to do. I just wanted to fall to pieces right there.

Chad misinterpreted my reaction, and give me a warm smile. He opened the door and led me inside, where a waiter took us to the table Chad had booked on the terrace. It was just beginning to get dark, but it was mild outside and I wasn't cold. There were lights draped around the chairs and there were candles on the tables. I guess it was sort of beautiful, in a quaint, corny kind of way.

We talked about nothing in particular; all the while I was thinking about what I had promised to myself I was going to do. We gave our orders, and when our appetisers arrived I chewed absently on something or other that tasted more like the twenty dollar bill it costed. I dutifully ate my way through three courses of this, until, after around an hour had passed, a waiter came up to our table and Chad said something about champagne. I didn't usually drink, which Chad knew, but I supposed he figured it was a special occasion, and I was too preoccupied to justify a refusal. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but thinking back, I remember seeing Chad shoot the waiter a pointed look before he rushed off.

I could sense that this date was coming to a close, and I felt panic hit me, strong and petrifying. If I was going to do something, I had to do it soon. Breaking up with someone on a date is possibly the most evil way of going about it. This was a bad idea.

No, no, I reassured myself. I can't waver now. I told myself I was going to do this. If I don't do it now, I'm never going to persuade myself to do it. Come on, Hayley.

I was literally terrified. I didn't know how I was going to get the words out. I hadn't even thought about what I was going to say. Was I going to tell him about Josh? Just tell him I'd met someone else? Or give him no explanation whatsoever?

How about you just pick up that steak knife and cut out his heart while you're at it? Same difference.

The waiter came back with a large bottle and two glasses, and Chad was saying something and looking at me straight in the eye, and then the waiter poured my drink for me, and the musicians stopped playing, and Chad was holding my hand, and I was looking down and noticing a small something in my glass that didn't belong there, and I was picking it up and looking at it unseeingly for several seconds before I realised what it was. This was all happening too fast.

That was when Chad stood up from his chair and got down on one knee, and everyone on the balcony stopped what they were doing to watch.

Chad took the ring gently from my hand and held it out towards me, looking at me earnestly, with the eyes of a puppy. I felt my breathing accelerate; I was hyperventilating; my heart was thudding uncontrollably inside my chest; my head was swimming. I couldn't think.

"Hayley." My thoughts started to clear so I could hear what he was saying, and I wasn't just watching his mouth moving wordlessly. "I love you. I loved you since we first met, and I'll love you 'till forever. Will you marry me?"

Will you marry me?

Will you marry me?

The words bounced around the inside of my head, getting louder and louder as they did so. I think I might have stopped breathing altogether. This was just too nightmarish.

People were cheering, even though I hadn't said anything yet. Chad was looking at me, waiting.

"I - I..." I choked out. "Chad... I - I'm sorry."

His face fell. "What?"

"Chad..." I couldn't form a coherent sentence. I could feel a sob building at the back of my throat. "Chad, I can't. I'm sorry. I - I can't."'

"What do you mean, you can't?"

Everyone had stopped whooping. They were beginning to whisper.

"I need to go."

Chad, bewildered and hurt, stared at me, along with all the other people on the balcony, as I got up and promptly fled.

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
But turn it off in all my spite, in all my spite
I'll turn it off

And the worst part is, before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall I will realise that
I'm better off when I hit the bottom