Sammy Speaks
Blog entry – May
Pornography addiction
In this hi-tech society we live in, we can easily access to information from across the globe with only a flicker of our finger. Where we are accessing countless useful information there are many who are accessing information / multimedia content that is dangerous to the mind, human body and relationships.
We have all heard of pornography but we feel we are very far from it. This is where we are mistaken. Research has shown a staggering 70% of young teen boys have been exposed to pornography even before they reach 18 years. Furthermore, 1 out of 6 woman is fighting against the porn addiction. With personal digital devices, it has become convenient for anyone to click on such sites whether in seclusion during broad day light or in the darkness of the night.
Forlornly, this addiction is not only restricted to single men and women but many married people are into its grip. I have personally experienced where my husband was addicted. It was a nightmare. But we fought against it. It was a fierce battle where it is hard to even identify your enemy. Porn has become a silent killer of marriage, love and intimacy.
Many of us think, it is horrendous. No way are Muslims involved in such sins but reality is bitter out there. In many Muslim nations, porn is very popular where predominantly men access to explicit videos and other content.
You may think it is better to ignore such an issue. But ignoring the problem will never solve it. I have learned this the hard way. I nearly ended my marriage. We need to fight this addiction.
It's difficult but not impossible.
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Blog entry – June
It's NOT your fault but HIS
The first thought a woman has, is perhaps there was something lacking in me. This is a common perception of the wife whose husband is indulged in porn addiction. We start analysing our looks, behaviour and sadly even how we were with him in bed.
The truth is it's not the wife's fault but rather the addiction is solely due to the man's reasons – whether it is an addiction since he was a single man or one he developed after marriage. It may start off as a curiosity and it grows eventually becoming a need without it he can't remain sane.
The fact that he's not interested in any intimacy with you has nothing to do with you but rather scientific research has shown that watching porn feeds the brain where the body only identifies explicit images that would arouse him. It's an impact of watching too much porn.
You are beautiful. If he doesn't see it that is because he is blinded by the artificial beauty he is seeing on screen. Nothing can compare with what is natural beauty.
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Blog entry – July
Believing in your Du'aa
When I first found out about my husband's addiction, I was furious, upset and in that one moment I had lost all my self-esteem. I felt cheated and disgusted. For many days, anger slowly simmered inside me until I had exploded in front of my husband. But that was no solution.
The months' separation with my husband taught me one important lesson – to be consistent in your supplications. When I was lonely during the grey days and bleak nights I would raise my hands and cry to my Lord. There were nights I would stay awake all night just praying out to Him. I couldn't force my husband to stop a habit. He was no little child that I could punish. I couldn't force him to love me passionately as he once did. My only hope was Allah and this is the only ray of hope we should cling to all our lives. In the mundane activities of our lives, we tend to forget how important it is to seek Allah's help. We forget the power of du'aa.
Days passed by in blur, nights spent in tears and when Allah did listen even I was stunned to see the man who I had pampered for the last ten years of my life was ready to do anything so that I could come back to his house and make it our home once again.
It is only Allah who can change the condition of the heart. With perseverance continue to make du'aa and one day you may see the change you wanted.
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Blog entry – August
Help him walk on the straight path
God fearing man will never watch porn because he knows that Allah is watching him at all times. His taqwa (fear of Allah) will be very strong. Our relationship goals should focus on together working towards a better akhirah (hereafter). We should strive to remind each other of the religious duties. Most of us would wish for a very pious man devoid of any capability of committing sins. But men are humans and with many flaws. We shouldn't be disheartened rather we should calmly remind him about the duties to Allah. He may not listen once, twice, thrice. But perhaps, the fourth time he would listen.
Be gentle - A way to a man's heart is being gentle. We can never force anyone to love us. Many times, through our conduct we can make others fall in love with us. It is gentleness that will win his heart and eventually bring the change. Our religion teaches the same.
Be honest – tell him about your feelings, your fears and your hopes. When there is an understanding, this brings him closer. When he will know about the sincerity towards Allah he will eventually follow.
Be open – communication is the key to overcoming any misunderstanding. Talk to him, tell him what is troubling you. But remember to be gentle. Accusing, shouting and being angry will never help us win this battle.
Be hopeful – even the slightest change in your husband is a sign that he wants to be with you. Take that sign as hope and be consistent in reminding of Allah. If not today, tomorrow or perhaps the day after changes will be visible.
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Blog entry – December
My life today
It has been nearly seven months since I had reunited again with my husband. In these months, we have come closer than we ever were. But this journey wasn't easy. During the first few months, he suffered a lot. The porn addiction just didn't disappear. He had immense urges. There were times we worked through it. Other times, he slipped up. But we never gave up. As months passed by today, there are occasional urges for which he knows well how to keep himself occupied. We have nearly did it.
It has been all due to the mercy of Almighty, great determination, strong will power and support of each other. We have worked it through and learned a lot about each other during this journey.
There may be some urges in the future. But I am not worried as I was in the past. I know we will be there for each other and we will conquer it inshaa Allah (God willing).
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This was the most difficult book. A story that talks about a very private matter between husband and wife but it is an issue that needs to be addressed. Many marriages are suffering and many women are enduring in silence.
I hope I have done justice to the subject.
Thank you to all my readers, be it the silent readers, the voters and those who even commented. All of your support has helped me to write this challenging book even though during this book I was accused of being shameless but it is your love that encouraged me to go on and today after nearly a year I was able to complete this book. Alhumdulilah!!
Epilogue will be updated in a couple of days inshaa Allah.
Until next time,
Assalam u alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu.
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