Too Young and Blind (High School Hamilton)

Different

Trigger Warning: Depression and Abuse

Lafayette

I don't know when it all began, but I've felt this weird emptiness inside me and sometimes it felt sickly, as if a knife was in my gut and somebody turned it like a key in a lock. It hurts me, it makes my head hurt, I bite my lip and tear up.

The worst part is I don't know exactly why, it just happens. One moment I'm happy and normal and the next I feel hollow. I've tried to hide it and it has worked, fake smiles and slipping into French go a long way. I pretend to be lost in conversations sometimes as an excuse for my not speaking, I pretend I'm starving and eat a lot at once so my mouth is full, I have learned to turn away and cry out of sight...when did I become such a mess?

Most days I find myself in my bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling nothing. I didn't know what was happening to me but I didn't like it, everything seemed to be slipping. I had no motivation to text my friends, no reason to, I didn't do my homework or my classwork, I want to! I do! But I just...can't bring myself to and when I do, it's forced. I don't even change my clothes anymore and my room is a mess. When was the last time I ate? I don't remember...my best guess is on my last date with Herc last week.

Herc, mon amour, my love. I know I love him, without him I would suffer, but I can't bring myself to treat him like he deserves. Hercules deserves good morning x and goodnight x texts, Herc deserves flowers and a surprise date, Herc deserves spontaneous, Herc deserves it all, Herc deserves the world. But...he's got me. God he chose me, he's so perfect and he chose somebody like me, somebody so broken.

I turned my head as the door creaked open, "Alex?" I asked after I blinked the light away and focused on the boy in the doorway. Why was he here? There is no reason? I did not call him in and he did not knock.

"Why does your room look like a tornado went through it?!" Alex asked and I cringed at the volume of his voice, "Why is your light always off?!" He flicked the light switch but nothing happened, "Oh it's dead."

"Oui." I actually hadn't noticed the light had burnt out. When did that happen? Could have been yesterday, could have been weeks ago.

"I'll get a new one, be right back!" Alex then ran from the room before I could stop him. He really didn't have to, I had no need for a light, no reason to get out of bed to flick the light on only to go back to bed.

In a few minutes my light was replaced and on, the light invading my eyelids so I closed them, holding back a groan of annoyance and discomfort.

If only they knew that I'm not who they think I am, that I'm not who I used to be, that I'm changing. They come to me for advice, they come to me for love, they come to me for everything and I wish beyond everything that I could give them what they wanted, that I could do more than feel like a shell of a man and step up-grow up and care for my friends instead of feeling a distant warmth when they hug me. I love them and I care for them but I can't force myself to be more than this mess that I've become. I've just become too different, I'm no longer me.

James Madison

I sat between Thomas and Aaron Burr in the men's locker room. Aaron was slowly trying to worm his way into out friend group for reasons I wish I cared enough to find out but he was slowly becoming a meme for teasing between Thomas and me like, 'That's so Burr!' and 'Bet if I do this Burr will too' and things such as that.

We had already changed into our gym uniforms which were basically just a white shirt and whatever color shorts-Thomas was in dark purple shorts, I was in gray, and Burr was in black. Thomas was ranting about a lot of shit right now but then he said a few things that caused me to care too much, they hit too close to home, they were too personal.

"-Then his gay ass asked me what I wanted to drink!" He rambled and I looked down, I mean liking him doesn't make me gay but...he'd see it as gay...he'd never see me as the girl that I am, "I could tell he sucked dick by his lips! All gays have the same lips don't'cha know?"

"Definitely." Aaron agreed, as he always does, he's a kiss ass.

"Don't let them near your girlfriend, Burr." Thomas warned and I looked at him with the same confused look as Aaron, "What? Oh-right, you don't know. Her Lyme Disease thing doesn't it damage her immune system?" He asked.

"Yeah it does, she gets sick a lot." Aaron replied sounding a little sad. At least he has the person he likes...at least the person he likes is nice!

"Don't want her catching the gay disease." Thomas said, and fluffed his hair casually.

"Oh-right." Aaron nodded dutifully. Is he actually taking this to heart? What the hell? He's such a mindless follower.

"You know what's worse than the gays?" Thomas asked but continued without waiting for an answer as usual, "The tranny pussies." Oh.

My stomach dropped, "I feel sick." I put a hand over my mouth and Thomas stopped his ranting instantly.

"You okay Jemmy?" He asked and put a hand on my shoulder, I shook my head, "You need the nurse?" I nodded and he helped me up, walking me down to the nurse. I knew it was useless, I wasn't physically sick, but if I heard one more word of that hate I would actually die.

He'd never accept that I'm different.

Maria

"Get up." James ordered and I did, holding my injured cheek. He'd punched me and I'd fallen to the floor because I failed to get anything he could use as blackmail this week, "What do we say?" He asked, tilting my chin up as I forced myself not to flinch back. If I flinched he'd hit me again.

"S-Sorry..." He nodded approvingly which made me happy.

"And?" He asked, not letting go of my chin and holding it tighter which hurt.

"I-I'll do better next time." I added, dropping my gaze from his eyes. I'm such a fuck up, I should've done better.

James nodded again though I didn't see it and he dropped my chin, "Don't disappoint me again." I balled my hands at my side to stop myself from massaging the area he'd hit, that would make him angry again. Why do I keep making him so angry?

"I wo-on't." I kept my gaze to the floor, I wasn't allowed to look him in the eye unless he let me.

"I don't like disciplining you." He replied, putting his hands on my shoulders, "But you leave me no choice with the way you keep failing at everything." I need to do better, for him. I keep messing up, it's my fault.

"I know." He's really kind, he is! He just gets angry when I mess up. It's a lesson, he's teaching me, it's fine. He doesn't like to do it, I make him. He's the only person who'll ever love me, I have to keep him happy.

His grip tightened, "So do better." He growled. Is he angry again? Did I make him angry?

Quickly I let out an, "I will." I don't want him to be angry, his fingers began to dig into my skin, "I promise." I added, hoping that would make him happier.

"You'd better." He tilted my chin up again and I looked into his eyes, "You're beautiful, Maria." Oh yay, he isn't angry. He only compliments me when he's happy because I only deserve compliments if he's happy with me.

I blushed, I love him so much, "Th-thank you-you're handsome." I didn't want to make him angry again and I wanted to compliment him, he's really handsome! I did good with my love life to get somebody as rounded as him.

"I love you." He smiled and I felt my heart flutter, he does love me he's just trying to make me see that I have work to do if I want to be at my full potential. His smile is intoxicating, it makes me grin.

"I love you too." I told him honestly and kissed back when he set his lips onto me, pulling me closer with his hands on my hips. I'm happiest when he's happy and when he's showing me affection.

"Then act like it." He murmured against my lips. I need to do better, for him.

I nodded slowly, fighting the tears, it's not James's fault that he has to hit me sometimes or say mean things, he only does it because I'm so different and don't do things right. He's just trying to get me to do better, I'm so lucky to have him.