Too Young and Blind (High School Hamilton)

Realizations

Angelica

We got back from Disney about a week ago and I paced my room, thinking through my actions in the past few years, specifically with Thomas Jefferson. He bullies my youngest sister, yet I have sex with him. He berates women rights, yet I have sex with him. He insults the LGBT+ community, yet I have sex with him. He argues with anybody and everybody just to have the last word, yet I have sex with him. Honestly, what is wrong with me?! I should be bitch slapping his ass and telling him what's what, and how he's wrong-because he is!

I stopped pacing and grabbed my cellphone, it was time. I held it, bobbing it in my hand as I decided what to do, how to phrase it, how to make it conspicuous. He couldn't know what I was planning, why I was planning it, because if he did he'd do something stupid. Thomas is an allusive man, I wouldn't put it past him to throw acid in somebody's face for not liking him. Even though we aren't dating this probably still counts as a break up, doesn't it? We aren't exactly friends so we aren't friends with benefits but we've both made it clear that we aren't dating so I don't know what we are.

Either way, I couldn't remain with a pig like him so I texted him an address to the public park and went there. The weather was beginning to turn, weather is subtle, isn't it? Slowly, the trees will change color, the wind will become nippier, slowly we begin dressing with more layers without realizing why until snow begins to fall and suddenly it's Halloween. For me August to October happens in a blur that's hard to decipher but easy to fall into.

I sat on a park bench, waiting for Thomas. I was in my signature dress, literally my only fashion statement, but I'm not stupid enough not to throw on legging and a coat. It may be sunny but it's still chilly, I really like it when it's windy but not too hot or cold and the sun is out but that's rare. New York basically has muggy weather, sunny weather, and cold as fuck weather so there's usually no Autumn breeze.

"Ah Angelica." I looked up to see Thomas in his God awful purple coat, he took a seat next to me and I decided that I had to do this now before I go on another tangent about something weird like weather.

"Thomas." I made sure my voice was chipped, like a warning. He dropped his suave persona and listened, "I'm ending whatever this is."

"What?" He looked shocked and oddly...hurt? "What do you mean."

"I mean-it means I'm essentially breaking up with you." I noticed slight confusion seep into him so I added, "Even though we aren't dating we do have sex and I'm ending that. Everything we have, or rather, had is over. Good day." I got up and left before I could see his reaction. It's best to leave when they're too shocked to react because if they decide to act violently, that's the last place anybody wants to be.

I didn't take my time on the way back, I hurried. I wasn't afraid of Thomas but I didn't want him to come after me in anger, I don't think he's stupid enough to do that or anything else extreme but you never know. I just wanted to avoid any and all confrontations if at all possible. As soon as I got home I took my coat off and sighed, something felt lifted-I felt lighter.

Everything felt lighter, it made me happier. I always had this weight on me, this secrecy, something I couldn't tell anybody. Why would I ever let Thomas fucking Jefferson make me feel this isolated? I lied to cover up for him, for us, and I never should have. I knew a part of me screamed and begged to admit to my friends what had happened, what I'd done, I wouldn't be truly free of my guilt if I didn't admit I'd been lying and two faced but I was afraid.

I was afraid my friends might think of me differently, they mostly all hate Thomas and anybody associated with him, and I was basically his side bitch. I didn't want my friends to hate me, to be angry, maybe they'd pretend to like me for the benefit of my sisters but even they might start to dislike me considering how he treats Peggy...I'm an idiot, that's for sure.

I shook my head and made my way back to my room, there's no reason to dwell on the past. What's done is done. I'm choosing to learn from it instead of grieve over it happening. There are two kinds of people; people who decide to act sad but not do anything to change or to grow, and people who decide to learn from their mistakes. I made a huge mistake, now it's time to learn from it.

What's the first thing I'm going to do?
Destroy anything that he gave me or left in my room. I don't know why I kept these things, I hold no inherent affection for Thomas but I guess sometimes I feel sentimental enough to keep useless things and that's what happened here, but never again.

I just hope Thomas doesn't blabber about this to people now that he's got no reason to stay silent.