AWAKENING

I'm Not Alone

It's been two weeks to the day since I discovered I was carrying Severo's child. Now I sit here in this cramped waiting room waiting for my name to be called. This was the second appointment I had made to abort Severo's child. I chickened out and never made it to the first. I tried not to look at the other women sitting here waiting just like me. Some with bigger bellies, some flat as a pancake, then some like me that just barely had a bump. Basically right now i could pass my pregnancy off as have aten a large meal.

I wondered if they was battling the same mind war as me... keep it or not. I also tried not to look at the women as they walked from the back just having the procedure done. Some were crying, some wore lost expressions and I'd tear my gaze away. I couldn't let anything change my mind, I had to do this. There's no way I could bring a tiny human into this world in the shape I'm in. It wasn't fair to the baby to be made to live this fake life I'm living right now all alone. Fake names, fake everything. The child could never know who the true father was.

I'd always be stressed when it came time for him to go to school or anywhere for that matter. Severo's men could eventually catch up to me and kill me leaving my child orphaned or worse.... kill the child simply because it's apart of me. No, this child would never be safe. This was what was best. Not only that, what would I tell the child when they were old enough to start asking questions like where's my dad? Why don't I have grandparents? I would always have to hide the truth from them, never letting them know that their life was built on lies. No, this was the best choice. I must do this.

The door opened and the nurse stepped out reading from a chart. My nerves tensed as I wondered who would be called next. "Rachel Moore". She called in a droneing tone.

Whoo, I thought. Not me I said relaxing as I glanced around to see who would get up. "Rachel Moore. Is there a Rachel Moore present". The nurse called louder.

Then it struck me, that was me. I was Rachel Moore. I haven't yet adjusted to my new name. "H-here" I stuttered standing up hesitantly. She motioned me over and I followed her back on legs made of jello. We entered a rather small room and she shut the door getting straight to business. In a uncaring manner without even looking at me she said. "Get undressed and put this gown on. Once you've done that take a seat on the table and the doctor will be here shortly".

That was it, all she said. No emotion, no how are you, no comfort. I wanted to scream look at me, I'm a person to that has feelings. I assume she's been through this so many time's it simply doesn't effect her any more. Stepping from my clothes, I slid the paper gown on and positioned myself on the cold table. I tried not to look at the tools that would be used to rip this baby from me. I couldn't back out now.

I kept repeating to myself that this is the right thing to do. Suddenly the door opened and in walked the doctor. He was a rather short, older man with bushy eyebrows. Frown lines sat deep around his mouth. He spoke rather loudly. "So your a bit over two month's?"

My throat was to dry to speak so I nodded yes then my eye's settled on a chart that adorned the wall. Images of the baby at every stage smacked me in my face. I placed my hand on my belly and thought my little baby is not much bigger than a bean. No, stop it, I scolded myself. Stop thinking of the baby. This is the right decision. The doctor's voice penetrated my mind's argument. "Now just lay back and place your feet in the stir ups".

I did as he instructed. Staring at the ceiling I thought how terribly alone I was. All I  needed someone here for me just to hold my hand, tell me everything will work out. Silent tears slid from the corner of my eye's as I heard the doctor preparing the tools. The light above came on and shined down brightly. "Okay Miss Moore, your going to feel some pressure accompanied with a smidgen of pain".

I braced myself by gripping the table. I felt the tip of the tool near me and I shot up. "No, I can't do this. I'm sorry, I just can't".

The doctor sat the tool aside. "It's no problem, it's your decision to make. Now if your sure, I'll let you be so you can dress and leave".

I nodded my head yes. There was no way I could do this. After he left I let my emotions take over and I cried while cuddling my belly. "I'm so sorry little one. Your safe now my angel. Mommy will never let anyone hurt you".

Once I pulled myself together and dressed, I left that ratchet place and knew I'd never be alone. No, me and my baby could do this. I could make a place for us in this world. I knew it would be hard but hard is all I've known lately.

Another thought occurred to me and that was protecting my child from Severo and his men. I would never allow anyone to harm my baby. Yes, I love Severo to the end of the earth and I hate myself for what I did, but it's done and I have to live with it.

One thing I'm certain of now is I'll never be that naive, trusting little girl again. From now on to hell with being kind, screw the world. That's right, Avery Tanner no longer exists. I am now Rachel Moore, biggest bitch you'll ever meet.

Purchasing a gun on my way home, I made a point to learn how to use it and once my baby was born I will take self defense class. If Severo's men come, I will be ready. No more weak girl here. No more tears over my fuck up. No more being bullied by anyone. No more love.