Dark City

57.

March 4, 2004

Today I met Liam's little fencing student. I had no idea he was teaching the Stockton girl and naturally I was pissed to find out. He said I was being crazy, but he's the one who isn't thinking clearly. These fencing lessons are a dead end. We're making way more dealing. I think the fencing thing gives Liam a sense of elitism. It makes him feel like he's not just a dirty drug dealer but some kind of fallen nobleman like Robin Hood. After all these months we've been together, you'd think he'd care about my feelings on a particular student, but no. He says she's very talented, and has a lot of potential to go pro, which could really jumpstart his career, get him out of slinging dope. Not that he'd ever give up the kind of money he's making.

July 9, 2009

Liam is making a lot more money than I thought he ever would. More good news. I think I finally figured out how he feels about me.

Baphomet gave me strength to find him a girl at the poorly lit end of the boardwalk next to the water ice shop. It's the corner where underage hookers hang out. The boardwalk in summer brings out every kind of slut you could imagine. I picked out the blonde who looked the youngest. She wasn't pretty exactly, but she had a cuteness about her. Maybe it was the pink bow in her hair. It had a skull in the middle, but it was still cute.

I took her to Liam's house, said that I was taking her to a very powerful man, that she was very lucky and that she would be well compensated. The drive out to the country made the girl nervous, but when she saw the house, she fell in love with the place. It belongs to Liam's aunt, but she lives abroad and lets him stay there from time to time. She'd probably scream if she knew that at any given moment there are five to ten people living there. It's our home base, though we still use the apartment in Asbury for local dealing. The dark city is hungry for heroin.

When I showed him his present, he was excited. He took the girl's hand and led her over to the couch.

I went into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of merlot. I didn't need to see him playing with her hair or giving her instructions not to look at his face. Liam likes to make girls pretend they are sleeping when he makes love. It's an interesting quirk of his which I call his sleeping beauty fetish.

I turned on some music, drank my first glass all at once and poured a second, telling myself I didn't care, I wasn't jealous. This is the life of a drug dealer's mistress. The dark one made me strong. I knew it shouldn't be a big deal. I was in charge. But the tears came rolling down my face in spite of myself.

Liam came in and asked if I was okay. He stood behind me on the other side of the breakfast nook, shirtless, his pants undone. The girl pulled on him, scratching down his chest with her French manicure. He told her to stop and asked again if I was okay. I pretended my eyes were just dry, but he wasn't convinced.

He said the girl meant nothing to him, and he shoved her backward. She fell, crying out in pain as she fell and hit her head on the hardwood floor. She started to get up and he hit her. Her cheeks swelled with purple lumps and the blood trickled down her face. I know it's sick, but my heart filled with joy. Every blow he delivered to that girl's face was a profession of love to me. I wanted him right then and there. My glass slipped from my fingers and rolled across the floor, spilling a stream of red wine. I raised my arms, and he came and took me up like a child, kissing me and showing me how he adored me.

The girl was in pain, so we gave her heroin and patched her up with the first aid kit. Liam said I was a cute nurse. Then, for the first time ever, he asked me if I wanted to try heroin. I reminded him that we don't use our own product, but he said this was a special occasion and warranted a celebratory indulgence. I won't lie. After all those times seeing the girls' faces as the plunger sunk into their veins, I'd always wondered what it felt like. Do you fly to heaven in your mind? Do you taste sweetness and sex and hydration all at once? The three of us snuggled up in Liam's bed, all cozy and happy under the covers, and together navigated the soaring ecstasies of what is no doubt the greatest drug in the world.