The Ex

CHAPTER TWO

Paul and I sit with the same look of mortification.

How did I not know that he was going to propose? All the signs were there; he gave me a beautiful bouquet of red roses, we got all dressed up and he took me to my favorite restaurant. When the little black box was presented to me, I still didn't realize what was happening.

Oh my god, the ring! I look down at the ring box in front of me, immediately thinking back to that night. Shutting my eyes, I forcefully push that memory away. I refuse to think of him right now. I will not compare this proposal to my last and I will never compare him to Paul.

I look up at Paul, the sweet man who planned every single detail of this perfect night, although judging by the shocked look on his face, my reaction was not part of his perfectly laid plan. Paul clears his throat and regains his composure. A new sense of panic washes over me when I recognize his decision to follow through with the proposal.

"This may not have been how you wanted it to go but..." he says as he makes to stand.

I grab his hand and stop him. I can't help it. I'm just not ready to hear those four words out loud. "Is this really what you want?" I immediately regret voicing my first thought.

He opens his mouth to speak but hesitates, taking a moment to consider the question. I've caught him off guard once again tonight. I hold my breath in anticipation and silently pray that my fear and apprehension is not written all over my face.

"Of course it is, it's been almost three years. I'm so close to getting that promotion and the restaurant is going from strength to strength. This seems like the most logical next step in our lives," he says, finally finding his words.

"Logical next step? This is a big commitment that should be made because you can't live without a person, not because it's the logical thing to do." The tone of my voice betrays my annoyance at his response.

He rubs the nape of his neck, "Charlotte, do you think I would ask if that wasn't the case?" His eyes widen in disbelief as a thought occurs to him. "Is this not something that you want?" 

My stomach turns over on itself at the flash of hurt in his eyes. I look down at my lap and notice the white-knuckled grip I have on the emerald satin of my dress. I release the delicate fabric and regard the creases with a furrowed brow. Is this what I want? I imagine what our lives would be like. The same comfortable routine with the same reliable man in the same conventional relationship. It is a safe decision that most wouldn't refuse. But here I am, hesitating.

The memory of being lulled into a false sense of security makes my blood turn cold. I can't have my heart broken again.

"Paul, I honestly don't know if we're ready to take this next step." His look of anguish causes me to quickly add, "of course I see a future with you but we're twenty-six years old, we don't need to rush into this."

I don't think we're ready to take the next step right now but a few years down the line, why not? I was never this cautious when it came to decisions in my life. Jump first and think later was my motto until spontaneity led me to the worst heartbreak of my life. A heartbreak that no matter how much I try to forget, still remains with me.

Leaning back into his chair, he studies me intently. "So you want to pretend that this didn't just happen?"

I reach over the table, place my hands on his and give him what I hope is a reassuring smile. "I want you to be certain that you want to spend the rest of your life with me. If that means allowing some time to make sure that we're ready for a lifelong commitment, then so be it. Paul, we have nothing but time."

His brow is furrowed as he contemplates my words. As much as I want him to agree with me as he does in all aspects of our life, I wish that for once he would downright refuse. That he would show me that I was all he wanted; that I was enough. My thoughts are interrupted by his sigh.

"You're absolutely right." He finally meets my eyes and says, "I think we should take a break."

"WHAT? You're breaking up with me?" My eyes widen in disbelief as I remove my hand from his.

"No, I think that it's best for us to spend some time apart to see how we feel and if it makes us realize that we're meant to be together, we will be."

"Spend some time apart?" I repeat slowly.

His eyes soften as he holds my gaze.

I take a shaky breath when I finally comprehend the meaning of his words. This was my opportunity to downright refuse and tell him that he is all I want, that I can't imagine my life without him. Why am I hesitating?

Paul and I have been together for so long that I wonder how it would feel to live without my safety after taking him for granted all these years. I teeter on the edge of the unknown and I can't help the spark of excitement that this elicits within me. This long-forgotten feeling prompts me to jump for the first time in a long time, "I guess you're right, we should spend some time apart."

He nods in reply, "I'll stay at Dan's to give you some time to pack."

I can't meet his eyes as disappointment crashes through me. The long silence that follows adds to the awkwardness. It is then that I realize that the silence extends to the entire restaurant. I look around the room and see that all the other diners and wait staff have their eyes trained on our table. As they notice my attention turning to them, they all carry on as though my love life had not just been their source of entertainment. The now silent band swiftly retreats from our table. Feeling my cheeks redden, I abruptly get up from my seat, mutter goodbye to Paul, and run for the exit.

Stumbling out the door onto Madison Avenue, I take a deep breath. I hail a passing taxi and jump in when one finally halts. As we pull away from the curb and begin the short journey home, the events of the night hit me. The perfect man just proposed to me and I said NO. NO! What was I thinking?

Exciting the taxi, I make my way to the elevator and onto the seventeenth floor. Still in complete disbelief, the need for a glass of wine and a nice warm bath is my only thought as I unlock the door, walk in, and reach for the light.

"CONGRATULATIONS PAUL AND CHARLOTTE!!!!!!!!"

It takes a minute for the initial heart attack and subsequent shock to wear off before I realize that a group of our closest friends stand in our apartment. The familiar smiles in the room seem to take just as long to disappear as they realize that this supposed blushing bride-to-be is missing her groom.

Thank you for reading The Ex: Chapter two!
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