Captive{ated}

Forty-Two: Forgiveness

I was kind of nervous to post the previous chapter. Thank you all for being so supportive. Here it is. The end :')

Last week, I had the most bittersweet dream. I dreamt that I woke up back in our home, but the bed was empty when I reached over to tell you good morning.

God, I missed doing that.

I rose from bed, the floor boards creaking beneath each step. Wearing my nightgown and smelling fried eggs in the air, it was as if I never left. To make it more surreal, I smiled, not a single thought of leaving here crossed my mind. I was happy in our home.

A golden glow was cast everywhere. I made my way from our bedroom, my steps slow and deliberate. Being as content as I was, I was in no rush. I walked passed the room that was mine when I first woke here, the terror I felt now such a distant memory it felt like a dream; passed the little, dark closet, the loneliness that consumed me there now absolved from my life. My heart was too full, too complete.

As I went down the stairs, I began to hear your voice. It was ever so soft, gentle. Each word you spoke held the utmost sincerity.

When I rounded the corner to the living room, I paused at the scene. The glow was even brighter here, warmer, and it was all emitting from you. Your disheveled hair appeared bronze in this light, your hazel eyes fixated on the little pink swaddle in your arms. You sat on the couch cooing at our daughter, her thin, light hair poking over the blanket. At your feet, Joy laid content. My heart swelled just as my eyes did. You held the biggest smile on your face, and I could've sworn, she was the only person in this world you loved more than me. You were the proudest, most elated father.

When you glanced my way, somehow, your face lit up even more. You looked as young and carefree as the day we met. No guilt, no being torn between your heart and your duty to your village. You had what you always wanted. You had your family, and I had mine. We had one together.

You gestured for me to join you, carefully making space for me as I walked over. You opened your arm so that when I sat down, you could wrap your arm around my shoulder and pull me close. I molded against you, taking in your earthy scent as I rested my head against your chest. You moved Stella so she was between us both.

I moved my arm so I could support her as well, and together, for a moment that I wished lasted forever, we sat in comfort as our little family.

When that moment came to an end, you gave me full support of Stella. You looked down at me with so much devotion in your eyes, but you spoke no words. You didn't have to. With your now free hand, you pushed some hair from my face as you always did. Your touch was delicate. I wanted more as I smiled up at you.

You cupped my face and pressed a longing kiss against my cheek. When you pulled back, a single tear trailed down your face. Why were you crying? It made my eyes burn, too.

My mouth opened, saying three words, but they weren't ones I heard. Why couldn't I hear them? What was I saying? And when you opened your mouth to reply, I was ripped from the scene.

I woke, hearing the hum of car engines outside instead of the insistent buzz of cicadas in the night. Street lights poured in my window instead of the glow of the moon and millions upon millions of twinkling stars. Instead of the being in our warm home, I was in one that didn't feel much like home anymore even though this is where I grew up. You weren't beside me, the space so cold and empty.

The emptiness was consuming.

When I woke up from that blissful dream back in my parent's house in Chicago, my whole body shook as I let out an ugly cry. A wail. I found it difficult to breathe, as if my body wasn't mine. Not long after, Stella started crying, and following that, my parents crashed into my room. They asked what was wrong, but I had no answer.

Was I hurt? No.

Was I scared? Not really.

Did I have a bad dream? No, not at all.

The answer was one I couldn't tell them, one swelling inside me until it suddenly burst in that dream and all my emotions came crashing like water from a dam.

Against all reason, sense, and logic, I missed you.

All I wanted for the months and years that I was with you was to be laying where I was right now, but now that I was here, my heart yearned for nothing more than to be right back with you. Back in the Village, a place of horror and terror yet one that held an indescribable beauty. It'll never stop haunting me. It was the place I felt so scared in so often. The place where a man held me captive, breaking my heart. The place where he put my pieces back together again, and just like raising a baby bird back to health, let me go when he realized it was time. You. You freed me when you found out there was no life left there for me.

You saved my life, Caleb.

And because of that, though I'm free now, part of me will forever be trapped within the now empty fences of the Village.

The place we called home.

The dream made me realize something else, too. I still had something to tell you, but I didn't know what it was. I laid awake the rest of the night thinking about it. The next day, I took an old journal and started writing my whole story down. I had to decipher the complex code that was my mind. I had to get to the root of my distress. What did I so desperately need to tell you?

But for some reason, when I began to write, it turned into a letter for you. It's where my voice took me. I had to let you know how I felt every step of our journey together, how I feel right now. I had to let you know my story, and now that I've done that, I can see what I needed to tell you as if it was displayed on a billboard before me. It is something that's hard for me to accept. A truth I still don't know how to tell you.

Trying to write it causes my hand to cramp.

At the beginning of this story, I stated I wished I never met you, and after recounting all my time with you, I no longer stand by that. When I started writing, I was bitter. Hurting.

But now I feel like I'm healing.

I now realize that I can't wish that we never met for many reasons. At the center of all of them is our daughter. I'd never wish her away. So, instead of wishing for that, I realized I must start forgiving.

It hurts, Caleb. It still hurts thinking about all of it. All the time I lost. All the terror I felt. All the pain you caused each time you chose the Village before me. But I forgive you. I really do. Or, at least I'm working on it.

When we parted ways, all you asked of me was forgiveness.

And now, I think I can grant that. I forgive you, Caleb. I do.

But now it's time for me to let you go. I must turn the last page. Through my tear smeared pages, I must close this journal one final time. Our story is over now. Despite my feelings, this is now a truth I can accept, an end I don't have to dwell on forever. I have my closure. With this, I hope you find yours.

Before I leave you, though, I have one final message for you. My truth. It's one I'll stand by till the day I die. Because of it, I promise I'll tell our daughter our story when she's old enough to understand, and I promise she won't see you as a monster or some cartoon villain. She'll see you as the man who loved her mother, as a father who would've loved her with each breath he took. Because of it, I promise she'll think fondly of you.

Just as I do.

So here it is, but I'm sure you've already read between all the lines by now. You've probably known this, but I wanted you to hear it from me.

I love you, Caleb, with all my heart. I always have. I always will.

Yours,
Evelyn