Trauma

a long needed talk

"Now, please, let's talk" , begged Steve and Bucky didn't hesitate. For the first time ever since they had met he didn't want to lie, to cover things up, to hold back.

"It's so painful, Steve. Remembering everything. I murdered so many people and I can't get rid of the memories. I may not have been in my right mind at the time. I may have been brainwashed and forced  into something. But the memories are mine now and they won't back away. I can't stand them. They show me how few control I have over my very own life. How weak I am. How unbelievably weak. I am a horrible person, Steve. I don't get why you are still here. I couldn't believe my luck when you told me that you loved me. For years and years I just waited for you to turn around and leave me because you finally realised what a failure I am. How weak I am.

"I've never been worthy of you. Of anything I have. I am a parasite. I live off your love and I can never give back to you what you so willingly give to me. I am a failure, a weak little creature that doesn't even deserve to be alive. I just really want to contribute something, to pay you back for what you've lost, what you've given to me, to give the world what it deserves and to make myself feel worthy of your love and affection. To finally feel like I belong!

"Don't get me wrong, I love you so much. I couldn't breath without you here and god am I weak for being like that. I am an outgrown man, I've fought in the army, I've been to war and through things a lot worse than just living a life. But here I am, struggling with that very thing. I struggle with getting up everyday, I struggle with the world. I try to avoid leaving the house! Man, if I could I'd lock myself away, eat and drink when needed, beat up some walls and return to bed. Let go of the anger and the pain and the mess which I call my damn past.

"I am severly damaged and I never wanted you to know. I wanted you to feel good. I didn't want to bother you with my worries, my problems. I didn't want you to know how weak I felt, how useless. Because I feared that you may just leave me if you knew how bad I am" , Bucky blurted out, his hand shaking, his voice shaking, everything shaking. The whole earth seemed to be unrooted, torn out of it's holdings and falling. Falling into a deep abyss, the ground not yet visible.

Bucky didn't dare to look at Steve. He was afraid of what he may say. He didn't want to see the pain in his boyfriend's eyes. If he was totally honest he just expected him to get up and leave, never to return. For now he knew.

Steve didn't get up. He didn't leave. He didn't move. He didn't even speak for a moment. Bucky wasn't even sure if he was breathing. He didn't even know if he himself was breathing. Time seemed to have stopped. And then it raced on, not caring about the two men sitting on their little couch and their struggles.

"I... I knew that you were hurting but I didn't know how much. I... damn, Bucky! You are worth a lot more than I'll ever be! You've been through so much and here you are, on this sofa, with me, alive. If I had been in your place... man, I don't know if I'd still be alive. You are so strong, my love. You give me everything I could ever ask for and more, even though you can not see it. I love you more than anything. I couldn't breath without you, I could never leave you. Tou deserve everything and more" , Steve burst out. His voice was shaking too. He was shaking too. And then they embraced each other again, pressed against the other's body, a shaking mess of affection and pain. And trust. Finally trust. Bucky felt strangely free, happy. He was at peace with himself for the moment.

Everything was so different from what it had been like just hours before. The air felt cleaner, fresh and promising. And maybe, just maybe a therapist could make him feel even greater. Maybe he should give it a try. Maybe it wasn't that bad.

Bucky smiled a little and then he kissed his boyfriend with all the affection he could muster and that was a lot. His heart belonged to Steve and Steve should know it. Judging by this kiss he did.