Being gay is a curse when the homophobia you grew up with was so bad that you're homophobic yourself. Especially when you're into unavailable guys like your roommate, whose girlfriend is everything you're not (though appearances can be deceiving). S...
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I had never cried so much in a day in my entire life.
I was too afraid to look at my phone, but I didn't have to read the messages and listen to the voicemails to know that my parents were not happy, so I didn't. Unfortunately, I had to look because there might be invitations to job interviews, and I had to get a job as soon as possible. I had to get myself out of this shithole of a situation I'd landed myself in.
But right now, I didn't feel like doing anything but cry, and I hated it. I absolutely hated feeling so helpless and pathetic. Jackson kept telling me Nate didn't mind me staying here in their dorm room in the meantime, but I felt terrible anyway. I didn't want to be a bother to him, or anyone else, for that matter. I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. Only better.
With my breath stuck in my throat, I turned on my phone and waited for the loading screen to fade away and make place for a keyboard so I could enter my password. After I had entered the four numbers, I was connected with my mobile network and the first thing that appeared was: 7 missed calls from Maihan Qizilbash, 4 missed calls from Rushan Qizilbash, 3 missed calls from Home.
And then the text messages came in.
Rushan Qizilbash: تو شرمااور هستى
My screen only showed the first line, but that was more than enough.
You're a disgrace.
I was so angry I wanted to throw my phone at the wall. I had made some stupid decisions, but I wasn't a fucking disgrace. I couldn't stop my eyes from filling with hot, angry tears again and Jackson immediately wrapped me up in his arms and hugged me so tightly I could barely breathe. I had forced myself to attend all my classes earlier today, despite not being able to conjure up a single fuck to give, and I had even gone to the dorm office, as requested, and now this?
The man that worked at the dorm office didn't even know what to do when I could barely keep myself together when I came in to bring him my key. It was horrible. He wordlessly took the key and then brought me to the room to retrieve my clothes and anything else I might have brought and I almost started crying in relief and quietly thanked Allah when I saw that Milou was not there. I don't know what would have happened if she was.
Nothing good, that's for sure.
So now all my possessions and I were in Jackson's room.
"Hey, it'll be alright," he whispered.
"I'm sorry," I sobbed into his shoulder. I normally didn't cry very often and now I couldn't seem to stop, and I was keeping him from doing anything. His coursework lay abandoned on his desk all because I had been stupid enough to think I could go against all the rules and lie about it to everyone without getting in trouble for it. I hated myself for everything I'd done, and I hated myself for being so fucking useless when my web of lies had collapsed. I'd ruined everything for myself.
