To Zion

17

I did not feel good about myself. There was nothing else I could have said to make things better, but that still didn't make me feel good. I felt like the world's biggest jerk, and yet...if I had lied to Miller and said I wanted to try a relationship, I just would have hurt them more.

I tried to reassure myself with that, but all of that dissolved when I saw them next in class. They looked miserable, and it was my fault. Why did they even like me so much? Why the hell did anyone like me?

"What did you do to Miller?" Was the first thing Cooper asked when I sat next to him. He looked angry, and I knew why. Miller had stayed with Cooper's family for the first time last night, and they had probably been upset.

"I didn't do anything to them." I buried my fave in my hands, leaning my elbows on my desk. "I don't like them as much as they like me, and I can't help that."

"Why not? You've acted like you like them. Hell, you even kissed them!"

"They kissed me." I reminded him, peaking out from behind my hands to see if he still looked mad. He did, so I hid my face again.

"But you let them. I thought you two were going to like, be a thing after that."

"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your dreams. Miller isn't the secret admirer, and until I find out who that is, I'm not going to get involved with anyone."

Cooper huffed in annoyance, brushing his curls off of his forehead, and glaring at me through his crooked glasses.

"It's been so long since you even got a note from your admirer, and Miller is an actual person who likes you and who I know you enjoyed kissing."

"Why do you care so much?" I sat up now, starting to get angry with the way he was badgering me. If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't even be friends with Miller. Besides, I was Cooper's best friend, and Miller wasn't. Cooper should be hearing my side of things and not just assuming just because he felt bad for Miller.

"Because." Cooper looked unable for answer for a minute, and he glanced over at Miller. I didn't turn around, waiting until Cooper looked at me again. I fixed him with an expectant glare.

"Because, they are miserable." 

"And I'm sorry that they are, but I can't help that."

"You could if you weren't so caught up in this stupid, secret admirer thing."

"Since when has it been stupid? I thought you were helping me with this." I was angry. Angrier than I'd been in a long time. It wasn't my fault that Miller liked me.

"It become stupid when it became all you think about."

"What should I think about instead? Miller? No thinking is going to make me like them as much as they like me, and if that bothers you so much, why don't you go sit by them? You two have obviously gotten very close in the last few days."

Cooper glared at me for a few seconds. I was sure that he'd tell me to not be absurd, we'd sat next to each other all year, but he shook his head in annoyance, grabbed his books, and got up. I didn't watch him leave. I knew where he was going.

I buried my face in my hands again, feeling the heat from my cheeks against my cold palms. What the hell had just happened?

It was still a few minutes until class started. Why did I even get here so early? I felt stupid, sitting alone in the front row. I glanced over my shoulder to see who had witnessed our argument, and caught Jason's eye. He was frowning, and looked like he was trying to decide what to do. When he met my eyes, he smiled slightly, but I couldn't smile back.