Trust [Lams AU]

24

Trigger warning: abuse mention, death mention

A/N: Lots of emotions in this chapter oh boy

Alex couldn't stop thinking about John.

He was sitting in his room, writing the perfect ending of his story.

At least, he was trying to write the perfect ending to his story.

He just couldn't focus on what he was writing. His mind kept drifting away and the words he wrote were bland and flavorless.

Sure, his sentences were grammatically correct. Sure, they conveyed the point he was trying to make.

But they lacked that "spark", the imagination and creativity that transformed stories from just a bunch of words on a page into something that seems to come to life, something that touches people's hearts and transports them to another world.

No matter what, his mind kept returning to the same thought: John Laurens.

He kept thinking about what John had told him that day during lunch.

I doubt you would ever be interested in someone like me.

You're attractive, intelligent, and people like you, and you are probably going to get into a prestigious law school, make a ton of money and spend the rest of your life living in a fancy mansion with butlers who bring you tea at random intervals throughout the day. And I'm just a weirdo who can kind of draw decently.

You're too good for me.

Hearing John talk about himself like that broke his heart.

He remembered the look on John's face, the sad look on his eyes, that sad smile he always got when he was talking about something that upset him but was trying to play it off like it was no big deal. The strange wistfulness in his gaze as he looked at Alex, as though Alex was something that he wanted but could never obtain.

Alex had wanted to grab John and hug him as tightly as he could, to tell him that he was more than good enough and that the other students were morons for not realizing how amazing he was. He'd wanted to kiss him and tell him that he loved him no matter what.

But he couldn't.

He'd been forced to sit there and listen to John say all of this and offer nothing but empty words to comfort him.

Because John Laurens didn't date.

John Laurens didn't love.

Whether it was because he didn't think himself capable of loving someone else or because he didn't think himself worthy of being loved by another person, Alex didn't know.

But he did know that he couldn't tell John how he felt.

Not that Alex was entirely sure how he felt.

He knew that he cared about John. He'd known that since the day they met.

He knew that he wanted to be with John and help him and make him realize how wonderful he really was.

But in terms of liking John romantically, Alex was hopelessly confused.

His feelings were a jumbled mess. He couldn't describe how he felt about John, not even to himself. He couldn't find words to describe his feelings towards John. Or maybe the words to describe them simply didn't exist.

It was a strange feeling, to not be able to put his feelings into words. Alex had always prided himself on his way with words, on his talent for taking words and manipulating them to flawlessly describe a person or a scene or an emotion. But when it came to describing his feelings about John, he drew a blank.