Cherry- H.S

Medley.

A/N: THIS IS IMPORTANT PLEASE READ!!!

THIS CHAPTER IS DIFFERENT!! IT IS TITLED  "MEDLEY" BECAUSE THERE ARE MULTIPLE VERY IMPORTANT SONGS LACED THROUGH THIS CHAPTER. IT WILL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT THE SONG IS, WHO IT'S BY AND WHEN TO PLAY IT THROUGH THE CHAPTER SO PAY ATTENTION TO THAT!!!

ALSO THERE ARE A GOOD BIT OF FLASHBACKS IN THIS CHAPTER, IF THERE ARE MULTIPLE SPACES, AND ENTIRE PARAGRAPHS IN ITALICS THAT IS A MEMORY, NOT REAL TIME! THINK BACK TO ALL THE BEGINNING CHAPTERS TO SET YOURSELF UP FOR THIS CHAPTER!!! IT'S ONE OF MY FAVS OF THIS FANFIC!!!

SO PLEASE ENJOY BABIES! *virtual hugs*

Going inside an empty home was really fucking hard. It was worse than I thought it would be. The past few days have been a lot fucking harder than I thought they would be. Being home at all, and not in London has just sucked ass... and I wish it wasn't this way.. At this point now I just want the pain to stop. I want every bad thing to go away... When I look at the bigger picture I know that people come and go.. And sadly the one that left was someone I loved. I know all our friends pass away some way or the other, and Bowie's time was now but that doesn't make any of this hurt less...

It's been days... I've written my colors every single day. I've tried to form my thoughts into words but half the time I stop writing because I can't stop crying... You'd think I would've dried up by now. I haven't though, and I want to be... I've cried over Bowie... I've cried over me leaning over to talk to him when he's not here. I've cried over Harry, and the fact that I know this will never be more than it is now, at least that's what it feels like...

The pain of losing Bowie isn't as bad after a week. It's not bad because I know if that cat could have lived forever, if he had the choice he would've stayed by my side.. The pain with Harry hurts more the more that I think about it because he chose to leave me. He could have stayed. He could have told me he wanted to see other people but kept some sort of relationship.. He chose not to.

So that brings me to today. My bike is sitting in the trimmed patchy grass next to me, and I've read the name "Dean Masters." On the headstone over and over again. I've read his death date, and his birthdate a thousand times.. I'm sitting here, staring at this gravestone... I guess I'm here because I wanted to feel something else.. I wanted to cry over something else. I wanted to feel something other than Harry... I wanted to know that something could hurt worse than what he did, and right now I feel nothing no matter how many times I read this headstone. I have no tears in my eyes at the thought of him. I have tears in my eyes thinking of what Harry would say if he cared enough to know where I was.

"Why the fuck am I here right now..." I mumble to myself... "What am I doing here?" I raise my voice a bit, knowing for a damn fact that this means nothing.. This isn't doing anything for me. I look at his gravestone again, and bury my face in my hands crying out. Fuck. I just wish this was different in some ways.. I wish I had Harry. I wish he was here as much as he's hurt me I know a hug from him would... It would... It would only make this worse. It wouldn't do shit for me... Because I'm fucking helpless.

"Aren't you proud Dean? I'm crying at your gravestone, and I know for a damn fact you'd been waiting for this fucking moment." I let out a dry laugh, and feel my wet cheeks. "It's fucking embarassing is what it is.. I'm talking to you like you're actually fucking here right now, and I know how crazy I look..." I shake my head, and look at the headstone again.

"I know exactly what you'd be saying to me if you were here right now. You'd tell me to suck it up. You'd tell me to move the fuck on, and you'd tell me to stop crying." I suck in a sharp breath, and breathe it out. "That's always what you told me when you were being a fucking asshole wasn't it babe?" I ask sarcastically, and laugh, falling back so I'm laying down. I look up at the sky, and my face goes straight as I stare up thinking about what I just said to myself.