Figuring Out Catra

Guilt

Catra went into her cell and closed the door behind her. She leaned against the sturdy wall with her back and slowly made her way to the floor. The floor was cold, but she didn't mind at the moment. Right now, she wanted to figure her emotions regarding the recent interaction with Adora. She did this while sliding her fingers through what was left of her hair. Never once was her hair this short, and she hated it. She resented everything that had led up to this point. Prime tried to break her, but not even he couldn't control the "rebellious nature."

"Rebellious nature," Catra huffed to herself at the thought, "She made that up. That's not even a thing."

She preferred her messy hair. Having it long and messy was like reflection of herself. Complicated. Unpredictable with a hint of hot-headedness... actually a lot of hot-headedness. Even Prime himself was attentive enough to take away this small bit of joy she prided herself with. All  she was left with now was a bad haircut and being forced to look at Adora's poof, that didn't seem to provide any protection against headbutting. 

Her thoughts wandered to Adora and thought about how easy it was for the two of them to be themselves. " I swear Scorpia has been trying to set the tone like that the whole time I've known her, and it only took us a few snarky remarks to get the ball rolling." Catra smirked to herself at the thought.

As quickly as the thought arrived a wave of guilt hit her.

Scorpia.

The only person who genuinely had her back at the Horde. Scorpia was so good of a friend that she followed her to the Crimson Waste. Everyone knew it was a death sentence, but jolly 'ol Scorpia thought it was best to join her. Facing a death sentence didn't seem to ruin Scorpia's cheerful mood, if anything it was amplified.

Catra suspected Scorpia wanted something more than friendship, and maybe it could have happened if she had let her, but during that time with everything happening around them, it  wasn't Catra's priority. She admitted to herself that she was so consumed by power and establishing a place for herself,  she didn't want to let herself feel something like love. 

In the end, she did everything she could to avoid being alone with her out of fear Scorpia would blurt out the option that had been in the back of her mind the whole time:  to just stay together and rule over the  Crimson Waste forever.

Catra shuddered at her turning point. It wasn't that the option was a terrible idea. Everyone seemed to worship and respect her at the Crimson Waste. She should have been happy she was finally in a  place that validated her abilities. 

The option Scorpia presented to her only consumed her with dissatisfaction. 

The idea of being at the Crimson Waste with Scorpia seemed second-best at most. To Catra, she felt there was unfinished business tied with Adora. So she did what she always found herself doing. 

Choosing Adora.

Besides, if she was being perfectly honest, Scorpia's way of demonstrating love was distasteful. It was always approached as awkward and usually followed a crushing hug, or being asked 'hang out'. They literally 'hung out' all the time when they were going on missions, and who in their right mind even enjoys playing board games when there are only two people? Catra slightly growled at the memory. Still, she admitted, it was nice to feel important to someone, even if it was for a short while.

It always seemed that when she began to love or care for others they left her. She began to name her disastrous 'friendships'. Scorpia. Double Trouble. Ronnie. Rogelio. Kyle... She decided to stop listing more names  to save herself out of her own embarrassment at failed friendships.

Considering the way Scorpia disappeared at the end, maybe she made the right call.

Adora, on the other hand, was different. She left and came back in a way that made her feel like she was never gone. This time it seems like she wants to pick up where they left off, but the only trouble was that Catra wasn't sure she was ready. Sure, being with her was sweet and all but how could Adora just be fine with her after everything that had happened? 

"I literally almost destroyed the world, and idiot Adora is fine with acting like I'm this completely changed person." Catra's ear twitched. She allowed her fingers to slide through her hair and finally paused to shake her head in disagreement. 

"I don't think I can be the person she wants... I'm not OK. This guilt I have built up stops me from allowing myself to create a healthy friendship, let alone a healthy relationship." Catra whispered aloud in a low raspy voice.

Catra felt a sense of gratitude now that she was off Horde Prime's ship. Being alone was impossible, especially with Big Brothers' watching over her every action. Never once was she able to sit alone to self-reflect. She resented everything about Horde Prime: he was suffocating, and his ability to control others using a  Hive-mind network was unforgivable. 

She remembered the stupid green chip on the back of her neck and reached over to scratch it off. The scratching motion led her to create a flashback. 

In an instant, she saw herself reliving the ceremony where she was dunk in a pool of acid-like green ooze. In that memory, she remembers looking at Horde Prime's twisted smile, while she stared back feeling emptier than ever. The affect of the ritual was so binding that it was easier to let herself feel nothing than to fight it, she knew no one would come back for her. Why would they? Her actions only hurt people. Trying to feel anything was taxing under his control, so she simply gave up and let herself be controlled by Prime. 

Catra exited the memory and began gasping for breath. Her hands were on the floor as she shook uncontrollably at the memory. After repeating to herself that she was safe now, she was finally able to calm down. 

She whispered to herself as her attention focused on her once best friend. "Adora, found me empty and brought me back to life." She clenched her hands into a fist as she made her decision.

She stood up feeling an ache from being on the ground too long and walked over the sleeping area. She stretched a bit before curling herself under the blankets letting her tail wrap around her. Her final thought before bed was, "I can't be with Adora when I'm like this.  Being with her is not an option for me. I have to pretend nothing happened between us. That will send the message." Satisfied at her position, she closed her eyes and let herself recover from the long day she had.