Budapest

Chapter 4

Natalia Romanova never slept. Her mind was fully active, planning and evaluating different scenarios. Her insomnia was sometimes so bad that she would go eight days straight without sleep until she finally collapsed. She couldn't sleep, not with the thought of nightmares hanging over her head. She saw it as a major weakness. You can't have weaknesses in the Red Room. Weaknesses aren't allowed. Every girl in the program had a weakness, and this was their downfall.
Natalia refused to give in. She would not fail like the others. The others were weak. She is far from weak, but she still has secret fears, secret anxieties and secret wantings. Some of which she doesn't even realize herself.
She never got a childhood. She wasn't normal. She was close to being classified as insane. But it was her insanity that made her ruthless. This is why she survives. This is why she is the Black Widow. The Black Widow is without guilt. But is also without pleasure.
With her skill set, she was bound to have enemies. And at the moment, she had a very interesting American SHIELD agent watching her.
He was her actual assignment. The others are just ploys. Decoys. Victims. She has to take out the American. If she accomplishes, she would climb the Red Room ladder to the top. She would be number 1.
She couldn't fail this assignment or she would be reset. She hated being reset. She wanted to keep her real memories, no matter how bad they were.
Last time she was reset, she woke up in a room littered with dead bodies. That was a week ago. She still can't rid her mind of the image. They were rotting and the blood from the bullet holes had already dried up. She was holding the gun. But she was without recollection of shooting any of them.
This was her punishment. Her punishment for being weak. For failing a mission.
Her ledger was full of red.
Some of the victims were complete innocents. Children even. But she had to shoot them. The Red Room will punish anyone who does not comply. And their punishments were deadly. Natalia had the scars to prove it.
Not just physical scars, but mental ones too. Her memories were jumbled. Being reset worked for most agents but it never worked fully for Natalia. Instead of losing all her memories, she just gained new ones. Ones that weren't hers. She has many memories. Some are lies. Lies are her life. She remembers lies, is fed lies, speaks lies, is a lie. Natalia Romanova's life is a lie. Lies are all she knows.
She wants to know something different. To escape. To remember what her real past is. But she needs help. Even though she would never admit it, she needs and wants help.
She is vulnerable. But her trainers say vulnerability is a weakness. And she refuses to be weak. To not be vulnerable is to not be human. Natalia has always been taught to detach herself from true feelings. This is how she achieves her name, her status. This is how she kills without guilt. But what she doesn't know is her human self remembers every scream, every face, every plea for mercy. And her human self is still present. Never will she escape this being like she believes she wants to.
Not even if she runs.
•
The Black Widow is without guilt, without vulnerabilities, without weakness, without dreams, without nightmares, without pleasures but The Black Widow is not human.
Natalia Romanova is human. And humans remember faces. Natalia Romanova is enhanced. She is more skilled than most humans. She remembers each detail of each murder The Black Widow performs.
Natalia Romanova is with guilt, with vulnerabilities, with weakness, with dreams, with nightmares and with pleasures, she is human.
•
The Red Room works to destroy all weaknesses, for weaknesses compromise missions.
Natalia Romanova is the weakness of The Black Widow.
All weaknesses are destroyed in the Red Room.
They will destroy Natalia and free The Black Widow
What's left behind is cold and heartless but that's what they want.
•
4:56am
Natalia gets out of bed and turns on her light.
"Time to wake up Agent." She mumbles, knowing full well that the American will be alerted of her movement.
'Time to begin the real chase'
The Black Widow opens her door and walks out of the building. 2 minutes until her room and the hotel explode and go crashing down.
46 more victims to be added to Natalia's ledger.
To her record, to her memory.
Natalia Romanova will continue her fight for survival.