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Chapter 3: "Do you like me?"

"Gege, what's up." Nie Huaisang fans Wei Wuxian nervously.

"The sky dumb ass," Wei Wuxian snaps. He darts his eyes to Nie Huaisang who has been sweating for the past five minutes. Nie Huaisang hunches his back to meet Wei Wuxian's gaze.

Wei Wuxian wrinkles his face. "You're acting weird."

Nie Huaisang straightens himself, smacking his fan closed. "What, no I'm not. Psh, no way." He chuckles.

Wei Wuxian uncrosses his legs, standing from the stairs where he had been seated. He brings his face closer to Nie Huaisang's, analyzing every inch of his expression. Nie Huaisang backs his face up as Wei Wuxian comes closer. He could feel Wei Wuxian's breath graze his skin. "Do you like me?" 

Nie Huaisang scoffs loudly. "Oh shut the fuck up." He flicks his fan on Wei Wuxian's head.

A soft "ah" parts Wei Wuxian's lips. "Eh, then why are you acting like a homo?" Wei Wuxian whines. He stomps his foot on the ground. The area Nie Huaisang's fan landed on throbs slightly. Seems like Wei Wuxian got hit a bit too hard.

"No reason. I just want to be with my best friend. Can't I do that?" Nie Huaisang pulls Wei Wuxian into a headlock. He tightens his arm against Wei Wuxian's neck. Wei Wuxian stumbles as his oxygen is blocked by Nie Huaisang's biceps.

"You know what," Nie Huaisang sighs. Wei Wuxian is still headlocked into position. "Here's a sad fact... actually a really really sad fact..." Wei Wuxian's veins are already popping out of his forehead. "I used to have a teeny tiny crush on you. Too bad you're in Mo Xuanyu's body now. You were totally my type." Nie Huaisang smiles horizontally. "You were really hot, not gonna lie." There is a moment of silence.

Nie Huaisang knits his eyebrows together, confused by the lack of response. He looks down to Wei Wuxian. He had already gone limp from the lack of air. "Gege!" Nie Huaisang hurriedly removes his arm from Wei Wuxian's neck, causing him to drop to the ground. "Ah, I'm sorry!" He brings his fists to his head. He looks to Wei Wuxian, sprawled on the floor. "What do I do!" It was all a mess.

𒊹︎𒊹︎𒊹︎𒊹︎𒊹︎𒊹︎𒊹︎

"Where the fuck is Huaisang," Chifeng-zun asks everyone in the room. They were all busy finishing up the preparations for Wei Wuxian's birthday celebration, causing their attention to be divided.

Zewu Jun is doing the calligraphy for Wei Wuxian's birthday banner. "I asked him to distract Wei Wuxian for the time being," He replies. Zewu Jun clicks his tongue when he messes up the characters for "birthday".

Chifeng-zun widens his eyes. "You gave that kind of task to Nie Huaisang?" His neck elongates. Chifeng-zun aggressively blinks in disbelief.

"What's wrong with that?" Wen Ning asks. He sweeps the floor. Dust travels up his nose causing him to sneeze. It resembles the sound of a sneezing kitten.

Jin Zixuan chuckles mockingly. "That's a wuss sneeze."

"That's a wuss dick, you should name it Peanut," Wen Ning retorts. This shocks everyone. The response was unexpected, especially coming from Wen Ning.

Silence fills the room. Wen Ning wrinkles his forehead. "What. I can be brutally honest too y'know." Wen Ning resumes sweeping, as if nothing out-of-the-ordinary had occurred. "It's like one fucking inch, get a grip." Wen Ning mumbles under his breath.

Jin Zixuan is left flustered. He looks to Jiang Yanli who simply averts her gaze. He resumes fixing the party decorations with a pride that had been greatly damaged.

Chifeng-zun decides to break the silence. "Anyway, why would you even entrust that to Nie Huaisang?" Everyone hesitantly resumes their tasks. "The boy pissed his robes 'till he was seventeen," Chifeng-zun continues. "We even considered attaching a pot to his penis."

"It was that bad?" Zewu Jun raises his eyebrows.

Chifeng-zun nods. "He's like a peepee hose."

Zewu Jun is filled with concern. Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng are simply having trouble suppressing their laughter.

Suddenly, the doors burst open, revealing Nie Huaisang with someone draped on his shoulder. "Guys, we have a problem." Everyone recognizes the unconscious person's robes. They were Wei Wuxian's.

"What the hell happened!" Chifeng-zun exclaims. Nie Huaisang fails to reply. He was too disoriented by the situation. The rest of the people occupying the chamber huddle around the scene.

Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng rush to Wei Wuxian's aid. Jiang Cheng kneels, signaling for Nie Huaisang to put Wei Wuxian on his back. "Give him to me!"

Nie Huaisang complies. Jiang Cheng carries Wei Wuxian to the bed which had belonged to Lan Zhan's mother. He carefully lays Wei Wuxian down before speaking.

"What in the shitty hell happened!" Jiang Cheng yells at Nie Huaisang.

Nie Huaisang panics, spewing whatever nonsense comes to mind. "Extreme headlock. No breathe. One-sided confession. Dick now hard."

Lan Zhan arrives just in time to see the conundrum within his mother's chambers.

"What the fuck did you do."