ELAYNE

He was Once mine.

I had many obsessions. All my life, i have been obsessed with one thing or the other. I love how a certain interest can help me escape my painful reality. But all my obsessions were temporary. I always knew that they are gonna go away after I replace it with a new one.

..

Am I ok?
...

I am not.
For the first time in my life, I miss an obsession that I once had. I didn't know that it would stay even after I tried to stop myself from it.
My obsession towards him.

We met when we were too young. I never had the intention to fall in love with him.
He was an angel. Thinking about those ocean eyes still gives me chills all over my body. I was in love with someone else but I couldn't stop thinking about him. I started and ended the day, talking to him. We started getting close even though both of us were in different relationships. We were there for each other when things got rough. I loved helping him while he fought with his girlfriend. My blood used to boil whenever she made him feel bad. I always wanted him to be happy.
He was treating me as a good friend, almost like a sister he never had. I started finding comfort in his words and actions. I've always been abandoned by others but with him.. It just felt so safe.
Things went downhill between us after we confessed to eachother. Everybody in our life kept changing, but we were constants in each other's' lives. This was when we started developing feelings for eachother.
I followed him around like a puppy. I was codependent on his care. As time passed, almost everything in our life changed, everybody in our circles changed. It was just him and I.

Every thing that seems magical would have to go through rough patches. I went to hell and heaven with him. It was like fire and Ice, strong yet way too different to coexist.
I could see myself turning into a toxic woman who wanted everything to be perfect. I no longer found sparkles in those ocean eyes. There was anger in his eyes.. More like frustration.
I couldn't notice his beautiful face, his innocent gestures, his heavenly body, his strength, his love, his care, not even the pain I was causing him.

I knew...
My obsession has come to an end.
I found myself yawning in our conversations. I stopped getting interested in our conversations. I was keeping him in my life just to escape from the void I was experiencing.
I know the pain I've caused him.

I don't know if he is mad at me. Will he ever walk back to my heart? Did I make a mistake? Will I ever touch him again? Will I see his face again? Will I ever be able to feel his love that he only once saved for me again?
My thoughts were spiralling .

"Ugh! My head hurts."

I stood up from my bed and made myself comfortable. I let out a deep sigh - "I'll try my best to forget you. I'm sorry" i could only ask for his forgiveness.
I would've hurt him if I stayed with him. I never wanted to leave him but I will never hurt my baby. I want him to find the love that he deserves. I don't want him to be with me, who is not even sure about the feelings I have for him. I want him to have the best things in the world.
Fake love? No... I just loved him a little too much that I expected the same from him.
The more I thought about it, the more complicated it seemed.
I was hurt too, maybe a bit more than him.

Tears were streaming down my face. I was holding myself from making any noise. The night was getting colder. My body was getting numb.
My vision was blurry, the running nose and the slight headache made me weak.
"Where are you?"
I spoke to myself. "Where is the strong girl that you were proud of?"
It took me a few hours to finally close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep.

...

"Where's my bag???" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
A girl with straight fluttering hair, shorter than me with beautiful dimples on both her cheeks came rushing towards me with a silver bag in her hands.
"Stop rushing... We still got time."
She commented.
I gave her a look of disbelief which led her to pass me an awkward smile.
Lola is my roommate and one of my many good friends. She moved in a few weeks back and I immediately got along with her. She is pretty kind but stubborn. She's attractive but her obsessive beauty consciousness is a huge turn off ... Atleast to me.
We got out of the house and went to the car which was parked outside the house. "Lola, you drive... I can't with my headache."
She got into the driver's side, giving me a slight smile.
I suddenly saw a cardboard box inside the car which was wrapped with a red ribbon. I raised my brow and asked her about it.
Lola was quick to say that it is a gift she bought so that they don't have to go empty handed to a birthday party.

Her reasoning satisfied me as I completely forgot about buying a gift.
We reached a place after about 15 minutes of drive. It was decorated pretty well. It looked almost like a wedding celebration. A lot of people were entering through the front door.
I found it annoying - the huge decorations, exaggerated events, huge place just for a birthday.
I often forget about my birthday let alone celebrate it.

Entering the huge place, I found myself getting tingles as well as a fair share of anxiety. I immediately felt a heavy feeling on my forehead. It felt like snow fell on my head while my chest was popping out of my body.
Not too long after, I saw a pair of eyes watching me. Turning around to look who it was, my jaw slightly dropped and my heart started beating faster like it was some sort of race. Tears streaming down my face almost instantly at the sight of him dancing with another girl. He was so close to her, his hands were wrapped on her waist. I couldn't see her face but I could see the love in his eyes. He was staring into her eyes like he did to mine. He was laughing with her. Lola was beside me but it felt as if the room was filled with nobody but the three of us.
"Why is it hurting too much? Why is he even here? " i started sobbing. I went outside the hall without taking an another glance. "I don't want to know who she is! I will never see him again."

..