ELAYNE

Rewind

Ina was nine years old when she lost her younger brother. She couldn't spend a lot of time with him but she could remember some memories with him in the corner of her mind.
She always wanted to stay with someone, she always wanted something to hold on to.
It's been nine years since the tragedy happened in her family. Her brother was paralysed due to a disease that affected the fluid in the brain. It was incurable and hence they couldn't do much for him.

This morning was different for her. She wasn't suffering from the usual headache. Instead she was almost in a state of bliss. Wandering through the streets, she caught herself staring at a milkweed, almost like a white feather on the ground.
The girl was wearing a skinny jeans with layers of clothes, a hot cup of coffee in her left hand along with the sling bag which was stuffed with the book she was reading.
She read almost the first quarter of the book but never really understood what any of the things in the book meant. She was now going to the library to replace the book with a different one.
The librarian was friendly to her as she was a regular.
She replaced the book but was confused when the librarian called her back.
"Yes.. Mr Phil."
"Miss, this book is not from this library. I don't recall this book. You must have made a mistake."
"I knew it. It was laying on the floor and didn't even had a name on it.
Maybe somebody might have left it here. Can you please return it if you find the real owner?"
"... Err.. Fine. I'll let you know if we find the owner"
She nodded and headed straight to a café nearby where she was supposed to meet some of my old classmates.

..

I pretty much find it way difficult to say 'no' to an invitation but I had to.
I could see a familiar head among the many people in the cafe .
I walked over to the desk and knocked on the surface. The lowered head of the man now looked straight upto me,slightly widening his eyes. He greeted me with a warm smile. I settled myself in the booth.
"Hey.."

"Wow.. You look completely different now. How many years has it been?"

He asked me softly

"Almost a year and a half.. You look different too." I smiled at him

There was a moment of silence and then he ended the awkwardness by placing his hands on mine which was resting on the table.
His sudden gesture was unexpected.

"Ahhhh... Haha I'm okay"

I wanted to tell him that I wasn't okay but something about vulnerability makes me hate it a lot... A lot that I wouldn't dare to allow myself to show it to others.
His eyes met mine. He stared at my eyes like he could see through my walls. He let out a sigh and held my hands tighter. I gazed down to the floor and to my surprise, a single tear drop fell on the ground from my left eyes.

"How long are you going to keep hiding? We are all friends for a reason... You can always open up to us. We won't blame you... Believe me Ina.."

He then took his hands back as the waiter brought 2 cups of coffee.
I quickly took one of the cups and started sipping the coffee even though I never liked drinking caffeinated drinks. All I wanted was to hide my face which was now red and slightly swelled.
He requested the waiter to not disturb us for the next couple of minutes to which he bowed and left.

Soon after the waiter left, I was ready to spill what was on my mind. Even though Lola was my bestfriend these days, I had a soft spot for my old friends who were with me during my most memorable days. I've known Clave for the past eight years. We grew up together and spent most of our teenage and childhood years in the same classroom.
His one approach was enough for me.

"Umm... So.. Clave.. Where are the others?"

"Ohh.. Lina and the others went to buy some extra decorations. They wanted to meet you so bad but I thought it would be better this way."

He smiled with his eyes.

" It sure is... " I chuckled

Staring into my eyes with a serious look and repeated himself once again

"Ina... You can trust me with your feelings. Don't be afraid."

"Umm... I miss him Clave. I can't accept any of this. I know that it will never be the same but I can't get myself out of this feeling. I've tried to run... Run too far, neglecting my feelings for him but only to know that I can never see him again"

I couldn't stop myself from sobbing. I gazed into Clave's eyes which was fixed on my face, sympathizing with me.
I knew it was hard for him too.

He held my hands again, tighter and softly squeezed it as I was crying.

"He is still here Ina... He always wanted to see your smile. He would want you to stay happy."

I could only cry more hearing his words

"Ina... Listen" he continued

"Whenever you guys fought, he always blamed himself for not understanding you. He knew what you wanted and why it all fell apart. He wasn't mad at you. Infact, he wanted the best for you.
He was also looking after himself and never wanted to give you additional worries. He knew that you would never leave him if he told you about his condition. It was his choice Ina...
It's not your fault.
It's not any of your fault.
I could only comfort you with my words but I can feel him right now. He is with you Ina. He can't leave us just like that."

He then handed me his phone and asked me to open a particular folder in the gallery named as 'Iniie'.
As I opened the folder, I suddenly felt a relief. Numerous selfies of Tyler was found. His smile warmed my heart. He looked happy even during the last days of his life.

"He asked me to show these to you only after he was gone. He really loved you Ina. I hope you will stop being so hard on yourself."

He looked into my tear filled eyes once again and passed me a smile of reassurance.

"It's ok Ina... Everything will be fine."