Birds Of War

Chapter Eight: Where is My Mind?

Sleep is alluding me. I stare up, at the ceiling cracks that look like smiles and all I can thin about is the break down I had in front of Patrik. How humiliating. I cried until my eyes burned and Patrik left making an excuse about an important meeting. Now, I lay in the cold empty bed, wishing sleep, or even death, will take me. 

I think I've lost my mind. What does it feel like to lose one's mind? Or maybe I lost it a long time ago, back when Patrik called off our elopement. My dorm mate joked that I had 'cracked.' She took it back after I broke her nose. 

I've never been a violent person, but something changed that day. That must be the day I truly lost my mind. Not when Father punished me on the cold marble floor of the foyer or the many missions I was taken on, helping the Umbran soldiers "extract information." No, I lost my mind when a pathetic boy broke my heart. 

Maybe, that was a favor though. It's pleasant losing one's mind. It eases the pain of all that I've done. I don't believe Patrik knows the sins I've committed. I'm sure his song and dance of pity and apology will change if he learns the truth. How could a man, so good, love a woman, so evil? 

Father says that he made me to be evil. That I was created in his image. He had the idea to have me heal the men he tortured, just so their pain and suffering would continue. They deserved it though, they were either nutzlos or traitors. Patrik would have my head if he knew. 

Father's men used to brag about me, say that I was more malicious than him. Henry called me his 'Little Red Witch of Agony.' Umbra and Henry understand me, they embrace my actions, my violence. Patrik calls me darling, he doesn't know the true me. 

Although he might now. I wasn't that violent, being stuck in a room without magic was weakened me. But, he's probably currently discussing the best way to execute me.

I would prefer to be beheaded, like the Umbran tradition. 

While I decide what would occur when I die, the door to my prison bursts open. How wonderful, it's Patrik. 

"What do you want" I jerk up from my bed, sitting upright. 

"Please, Princess, I need to sleep." Patrik slurs, walking around my room like a puppet. 

"Oh God, your drunk." I groan, cradling my head. 

"You hate me." He hiccups swaying in the door way. "I understand why." 

"Patrik-" 

"I need you Nilsia, I still care for you. It breaks me to see you so pained." 

"For the love of-"

"Why did I hurt your feeling today?" 

"Because I don't get a period anymore!" I shout at him, deciding that he won't remember this in the morning. Patrik frowns, then stumbles over the opposite side of the bed. "What are you doing?" 

Patrik flops down on the bed, next to me. "I'm tired" the bed groans with the extra weight. "This is a nice bed." 

"Get off Patrik." I stare down at him, his face buried in a pillow. "It's small bed." 

"I will, I will. The room is spinning right now." His voice muffled voice whines.

"Good lord" snores drown out my protests. "Patrik? Patrik did you fall asleep?" I start to poke his cheek, receiving no response. "Dammit!" 

I put both hands on his side and try to push him off the bed. He won't budge and his snoring continues. "God, you are too heavy." I give him one last push, but to no avail. I flop down beside him, exhausted. "You are so infuriating" I whisper. 

I turn away, sleeping on my side with my back facing him. I can still feel his body heat and his presence. His snoring is a foreign but familiar sound that lulls me to sleep.

-----------------

I open my eyes as the sunlight breaks through the distant mountains. A bird chirps merrily in the background. I feel nice, I haven't in so long. My body feels so warm and safe, with the blanket sheltering me from the cold room. Fabric brushes my nose and all I can see is cloth. 

It's Patrik's shirt. I look up and I lock eyes with two green ones. "Good morning." His raspy morning voice greets me, goosebumps creeping up my spine. 

"Um" I start to rise, out of Patrik arms that had been wrapped around me. The coldness of the room outside of Patrik's grasp fills like a slap as it hits me. "Good morning" 

"I woke up and you were having a nightmare, so I tried waking you up but the nightmare seemed to stop when I held you." Patrik rushes out trying to explain how close we were. "There was nothing improper I promise." 

"Other than you coming in drunk to sleep in the same bed with an engaged woman." I snicker. I trust Patrik, and I know that he wouldn't be foul intentioned. He frowns and stares down at my left hand.

"I'm sorry about that, I was coming home from the tavern and I pass your room to get to mine, but I got confused." His face grimaces at the last part. He looks back up at me, "you were screaming a lot, what was the nightmare about?" 

I open my mouth to tell him that it's none of his business, but I see the pain in his eyes and decide it's better to just be civil. "It was nothing." I brush off. 

It wasn't nothing. 

"Please, please, have mercy!" The man begged in the chair, blood dripping from his face. 

"Mercy isn't for traitors." I quip back as I plunged the knife into his chest. The room swirls around in his blood, I'm in the chair, strapped down. 

"Traitors shouldn't receive mercy, isn't that correct Nilsia?" A dark voice echoes from the shadows that sends shivers down my spine

"Father please-" My attempt of wiggle out of the straps are futile. 

"Do not beg, Nilsia, it's pathetic" Father steps into red light. His dark red hair looks pitch back and a wicked grin appears on his wrinkled face. "You are a traitor, are you not?" 

"I-" 

"You went and whored around with the enemy yes?" He walks over and drags a the same bloody knife I used to kill the man up my shoulder. 

"Yes, Father" I cry out. 

"And got yourself pregnant by a dirty snake?" 

"Yes, Father."