In Waves | ✔️

53 | the after

With Mom and Derek on an early morning grocery run and Rob sleeping in, I take advantage of the quiet as I make breakfast. Thinking about Nate and everything he told me.

His life before Oceanview. The pain and resilience. I almost feel like going over to his house and thanking his mom. He might not be alive today if she hadn't acted when she did, and not knowing Nate Miller is a thought I don't even want to think. After everything he went through; loss, recovery, addiction, he came out the other side in one piece. A fractured piece, but nevertheless one piece.

The best piece in so many peoples' lives.

I jolt when the doorbell rings. I've been so deep in thought that I've buttered a hole right through the toast on my plate. I open the door just as the bell rings a third time. Matt stands opposite me, awkwardly balancing two cups in order to press the button again. I move to shut him out like I've shut out all his texts, but he jams his foot in to stop it from slamming.

"I deserved that." He winces, readjusting the cups. "I know you're mad, and I don't remember a lot about last night, but I know I was a jerk. A seriously, seriously huge drunken jerk. And I am so sorry for how I acted, Lia. It's fine if you want space, but I just needed you to know that, and I wanted to give you this hazelnut gelato. Not that it can make up for what I did, maybe it's even too early for gelato, but yeah. I know it's your favorite. So..."

My eyes flick down to the cup he holds out, the rest of me not moving an inch. A stony few seconds roll past before he gets the hint, drawing the cup back.

"Okay, I guess... I guess I'll see you at school, then."

He turns away, leaving the porch with hunched shoulders, and the sight of him reminds me of a sad little puppy being chased into the cold. Even though the sun is out and shining.

"Wait," I sigh, stepping through the doorway. He spins back with hopeful eyes. "It's never too early for gelato."

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He hasn't stopped apologizing since we sat on the porch swing, and even by the time I'm halfway through my gelato, the apologies just keep on coming.

"Matt." I dig my spoon in the cup. "I'm not going to say it's fine, how you acted last night. Because it wasn't. But you obviously feel bad enough as it is. You can stop apologizing."

"But it's not enough. I never wanted you to feel uncomfortable around me, and now you do, and I wish I could just erase everything about last night."

I think about the pressure of Nate's hand on mine in the dark, walking through the aquarium with him. Listening to his heart pour out. I wouldn't erase any of it. I'd only erase my time with Matt.

I watch him focus on his gelato, dejected. The afterparty conversation in Nate's car drifts to mind. Drunk words are sober thoughts. Ever heard that saying? Think it applies to drunk actions, too.

"Are you honestly okay with us waiting?" I ask.

His head snaps to me, brow rutting. "Of course. I only acted like that because I was drunk."

"People say things they really mean when they're drunk. Without a filter. And they do what they really want."

"I haven't hidden the fact that I want to sleep with you, Lia. I'm fine with us waiting. I'm just... I'm never drinking that much around you again." He slumps back into the throw pillow. "It makes me too much like my dad."

"In what way?"

He absently scratches his nails on the cup, denting the Styrofoam. "When he drinks like that, I've seen him get harsh with my mom. And I've been drunk and I've never acted like him before, but I've never felt as strongly about any girl before you, either. So maybe it's in my blood and I can't... I can't love someone without the risk of hurting them."