In Waves | ✔️

62 | too far

Whenever I've traveled before, I've been organized to a T. But packing for New York is seriously making me question my organization skills.

I'm folding and unfolding clothes, stuffing them away and getting them out again. I must have picked out a dozen sweaters and coats by now. I just can't pass up the opportunity to bring them all for the cold weather, even if I have to rotate them by the hour in order to wear each one.

"Knock knock," Mom sings as she walks in. "How's the packing going? You need any help? You want to show me some outfits?"

I give up on my mission to perfectly fold a knitted sweater, stuffing it in my suitcase. "I'm good, thanks. Nearly finished, anyway."

That's a lie. I think I've been lying more these days. I notice every time it happens, sort of like a tic in my brain. I guess that's the feeling of my morals glitching out. But hey, I probably wouldn't be allowed to go if I hadn't lied either. My mom knows we're staying in a hotel, but not that we're sharing a room. And not that we'll be heavily unsupervised.

"Doesn't look like it." Mom hums, scooping up a pair of blue jeans to fold. "You're not stalling, are you?"

I falter for a second. Just a second. "Why would I be stalling?"

"Well, traveling with his family. The gala, the city. You must be feeling some nerves. Not to mention how you might be hung up on something you're leaving behind... someone."

"I'm not hung up on anything."

Lie.

Not only was it shameful having my mother find out about my cheating from Derek, but having her interrogate me about feelings and emotions was unbearable. Even telling Rachel was unbearable. When it comes down to it, merely talking about Nate is unbearable.

Thinking about him, too. In the quiet moments, that's when my mind drifts to us in the kitchen. His hands roaming my skin, the taste of him. Entwined in moonlight. I have to catch myself before I completely drift away, tethering myself to reality.

The reality of us having had no contact since Matt found out. The reality of Matt being paranoid about every notification I get on my phone when I'm with him. His trust in me is completely shattered, and I need to stick the pieces back together. I need him to trust that I can be friends with Nate. That there isn't any underlying feelings. That there isn't any want for more.

On both sides.

"Really..." Mom says doubtfully, neatly packing the jeans. "So you're not overcompensating with this trip? Going the extra three-thousand miles?"

I internally screech when I see she's picked out the infamous Rachel lingerie, examining the lacy bra with interest. I snatch it clean from her hands and bury it in the depths of my suitcase.

"What happened with Nate was a mistake." I regurgitate for the millionth time. "I'm not overcompensating. I told you about this trip weeks ago, it was already in the works."

She raises her hands in defense. "Okay, okay. Just checking. Because I know how crazy you are about Matt, and I know you two are getting serious. But I wouldn't want you taking any big steps out of guilt. Going on a trip with someone is a big step in any relationship, farfallina. But especially at your age... when a lot of experiences are a first."

I can already predict where this conversation is headed, but what I don't predict is her sliding out a strip of condoms from her pants pocket like some sort of sex magician doing a trick.

"Mom!" I splutter, my face instantly made of burning embers. "That's—I'm not—"

"I don't know if you're at this stage yet, I don't know if you've already done it, although I hope you'd tell me if you did, but I just want you to be safe. I said the same thing to your brother and now it's your turn. You're more responsible, but it doesn't make you exempt."