Not Good Enough (Falling in Reverse and Escape the Fate FanFic)

22. I'm sorry. (But I'm Really Not.)

Carter's POV: 

Okay. Okay. So there it is. My entire life's undoing. No big deal, right? Right. 

It's there. But it's not too scary. I can handle it. All I gotta do is pick up the bag, walk to the bathroom, open, and flush. 

FLUSH!? 

Yes. Flush.  

Okay, I can do this. 

Pick up the bag, check. 

Walk to the bathroom, check. This is a piece of cake. 

Lift the lid, check. So simple. 

Open the baggie, check. All so easy. 

Dump the baggie, no check. Not so easy. 

2nd attempt to dump the bag, again, no check. Not as simple as I thought. 

Run from the bathroom, check. 

Lock bedroom door, check. 

Find back up razorblade I bought, check. 

Find flat surface, check. 

Pull dollar bill out of wallet, check. 

Roll that dollar bill up, check. All too easy. Brings back memories. Bad ones, good ones, foggy ones. Focus on the fun ones I guess. 

What else can I do? 

Crush a pill, check. 

Line it up, check. 

Ow. Forgot how badly that burns. 

Slip into my own peaceful little heaven, check and check. 

What have I done? I'm not so sure, all I know is it was fun. And I feel good. Better than good, it's great.  

I guess I'll sit here until it wears off. Don't want to go to my date with Ronnie high. 

Ronnie! 

Oh no. 

What have I done.... 

If he finds out it'll ruin our relationship. Wait, what relationship? Has he said, Carter, you're my girlfriend. Or maybe Carter, don't do drugs. I don't want you to. No. No he hasn't. So really, does he have the right to be mad? Absolutely not. Do I have the right to do drugs again? Of course. My body is my body. Not anyone elses. Mine. My life. I'll screw it up if I want to. 

So, Ronnie, if you've got a problem with my drugs, you've got a problem with me. And we can't be together. I'll tell him just that if I need to. At this point any emotion I had for anyone has faded. And if Max even tries to say anything I'll punch him. He still does drugs. Even after rehab I know he does. As a matter a fact I caught him doing some the other day. He's getting better though, and I'm proud of him. I was proud of myself, but 4 months clean just went out the window. Shouldn't be surprised. Mom always told me I was a fuck up. So why not live up to her expectations? Why not give everyone everything they want? A world with one less fuck up like me. That can be arranged. And hey, I'm not being selfish. I'm thinking about everyone else's world, and how it'll improve without me. Well, all but those who love me. There aren't that many, Max, Ronnie, Craig, Jacen, Dylan, Monte, Robert, Nasty, that's pretty much it. 

And Adriannah. What would she think? Eh. Who cares. She's dead. I might just join her soon. 

Wait, what? I hope this is just the drugs talking. If not, I've got more problems then I thought.  

"Hey Carter, you in there?" followed by a knock on my bedroom door. Oh no, Ronnie. 

"Yesh. I'm in h-here." I answered trying to collect myself and scrambling to clean up my desk and hide what I'd done.