Worlds Beyond Reason

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Deep breath

I'm Joyce Bridges.

But I'm afraid this isn't an introductions. This is a conclusion, a conclusion to my story. I'm ready to close the chapter, to close the whole book, to end the story.

I'm eighteen years old and a senior student at Maylands High. There, I—

Pauses

I'm a nobody.

Pauses

There are people who are good at studies or sports or arts or they're outspoken or well loved or talented. And me? I'm none of them. I'm just another average student that no one knows about, no one cares about.

I'm just a shadow of everyone else.

And if I leave, no one will even notice I'm gone.

Don't—

Pauses

Don't try to argue with me on this. We all know it's true.

But it doesn't matter, does it? By the time anyone listens to this, I'll be long gone. Too late to make amends. To late to right the wrongs. Too late for regrets.

You see, that's the thing. Regret. It's one of the reasons I'm doing this. There are so many regrets. I have so many regrets, things I wish I could change but can't.

My hands are tied by expectations and society and perception and I can't break free, no matter how hard I try.

But, I guess, that's partly my fault.

I'm scared. I'm scared of change. I'm scared of judgement. I'm scared of being in the spotlight. I don't want to walk around with this huge sign that everyone but me can see, that I'm different, that I've changed. I don't want that.

I have an image, however insignificant it is and I'm scared to change that.

Pauses

I don't know.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say right now.

Sighs

I just—

Pauses

Sighs

I've reached that point in my life where I don't even know where I'm going, or what I'm doing, or what makes me happy anymore. And I know everyone keeps saying that things will get better, that things will look up, but tell me, does it really?

I mean, this is as fun as life gets. It's bleak and dull and grey and everything is just a routine and set in stone and we can only do what we need to, what we're forced to do, not what we want.

And after high school, I'll be off to college and then work and then I'll retire and by then it's too late already. It's too late. Tell me, how does life get better?

What's the point of it all? What's the point of living a life you hate? Might as well end it now, while I still can.

Deep breath

Mum, Dad, please don't blame yourselves for this. I love you two so much. But I can never be the perfect daughter you deserve. I can never live up to Dom's achievements and success.

I can never be your little princess.

I don't deserve it.

But it doesn't matter anymore. You don't have to be disappointed in me anymore. You don't have to be angry at me for skipping school r not making my bed or getting bad grades or not going out enough.

I'm sorry Mum, Dad. Please don't be angry. You couldn't possibly have know what I was going to do. I never told you. I never told anyone. I was so careful to keep it to myself. So don't blame yourself. Don't blame yourself that you should've looked harder.

Please don't.

Sobs

I love you. And I hope you'll be happier without me.

Pauses

Dom.

Pauses

I know we always argue about the most ridiculous of things. About who's turn it is to wash the dishes and take out the trash. I know I always say that I hate you, but, Dom, you're my older brother, and I love you. I've always looked up to you more than I dare to admit.

But, I'm also jealous. I'm jealous that you can always get what you want. That you do everything so easily and flawlessly. That you can find it in you to get out of bed everyday and have a good time. That you're brave and smart and such a great son and person and friend and everything I can only hope to be.

Dom.

Sniffs

Dom.

Please don't beat yourself up over my decision. I promise you, Dom, it's far from your fault. I love you, Dom. I'll always be your baby sister.

Pauses

And lastly, Yvonne.

Pauses

Vonne.

Sniffles

I love you, Vonne.

And don't worry about me. I won't be here to tie you down. You don't have to worry about me anymore. Now, you can really shine without me to hold you back. You deserve that and so much more.

Vonne, your journey to Julliard is just about to begin. Be excited. Dance your heart out. Do it with all your strength and all your soul. I'm sure you'll do well. You'll shine through the masses. Never doubt yourself, Vonne. You dance with more passion and fire than anyone I've ever seen.

Don't miss me, Vonne. Don't think about all the what ifs. Don't dwell over me. Move on and live the life you deserve. Promise me, Vonne. We are bound to say goodbye someday anyway.

Thank you for all the sleepovers and stupid jokes and laughs and crazy moments and dinners and movies and being my shoulder to cry on and being the one person I know I can always turn to. Thank you for making high school bearable and helping me through it for as long as you did.

Thank you for all the precious moments that we shared.

I love you, girl, so much.

Sniffles

I guess that's it from me.

Please, promise me one thing.

Promise me that none of you will blame yourselves. It's not your fault. It's none of your faults.

This decision was mine and mine alone to make. It's the only choice I've ever— I'll ever make for myself. But, I guess, maybe this has always been my fate from the very start. After all, everything has always seemed to be pointing in this direction.

Pauses

So, I guess, this is it then.

I hope all of you will live a better and more fulfilled life.

You're all better off without me.

Sobs

Goodbye.

Sniffles

I'll miss you.

End recording

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A/N: Hi guys!  Yes, I know I'm on a hiatus but I just had to write this. I hope you all enjoyed this. As weird as it seems, I really enjoyed writing this. It's a different kind of style than I usually write but I hope you enjoy it all the same.

To be honest, this short really hit home for me. I got the idea because I wanted to do something like a recording sort of thing (does this make sense lol) and a suicide note made so much sense. And as I started writing this a lot of Joyce's feelings are ones that I myself have felt before.

And, obviously, not all is the same but still. It really means a lot to me.

Love, Angelyn