Moments (Being Edited)

Sixteen

*one week later*

I took a deep breath as I lowered myself into the front row of seats, nestled between Harry and Zayn who were dressed head to toe in black, just like everyone else. My parents were in the row behind us, and the other boys' parents were scattered around. It was difficult trying to figure out who to invite to the funeral, because Lacey's mother was dead, her father was in prison, her ex boyfriend beat her half to death and her only friends were me and the boys.

Doctor Potts was somewhere among the small number of people, and I wondered what must have been running through his mind, knowing that he almost completely skipped over Lacey's tumor.

"I'll be right back," Harry said suddenly, getting to his feet and hurrying towards the back of the funeral home where I saw a face that made my stomach churn.

At the back of the room stood Gavin, neatly dressed in all black with a somber expression that changed to one of desperation when he saw Harry.

I couldn't make out what they were saying, but after a few moments, Gavin took a seat at the very back of the room, looking down at his hands.

"What did you say to him?" Louis asked as Harry returned to his seat.

"I told him what I thought of him, and said if he really wanted to stay that he better stay down the back," Harry said, folding his arms.

"Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention please, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Lacey Maree Jackson, who was taken from us all far too soon. Unfortunately, none of Lacey's family is able to be here today, but we have five young men who took on the role of her family when she became ill with us, and I would like to invite one of them now to come and speak to you all. Niall," the funeral director said, his eyes finding mine.

I nodded slowly and got to my feet, walking towards the large podium beside the closed coffin where Lacey's body lay. Gently I smoothed out the piece of paper I wrote my speech on, and rested it on the stained oak before looking up at the people in the room.

"I met Lacey on the beach only a short time ago, and it was love at first sight, without a doubt. I knew, that no matter what happened, I had to have her. One night, myself and Harry went swimming in the ocean, and something happened that night that brought Lacey into our lives for good. We found out she had a tumor, in her chest, which was cancerous, and which quickly spread to also give her breast cancer. There was no way to completely remove the tumor, and any operation that could have been carried out was too dangerous, so Lacey made  the brave decision to live it out. We thought she'd have months, but she only had weeks. The time we had with her was short, but to all of us, it felt like we'd known her our entire lives, and she became a part of our family . . . the night before she . . the night before we lost her, we got married in our back garden. It wasn't legally official, so don't freak out, mum, but it was real to the both of us. I loved her, and I still do. It was love at first sight with Lacey, and I know that if I'd had the chance, I would have spent the rest of my life with her . . ." I trailed off, my throat closing up as everything started to rush back at me.

I stood there, frozen, unable to move, or speak. Louis hurried towards me and took my hand, directing me back to my seat.

"Niall just needs a few moments to collect himself, then he'll finish what he has to say, but in the meantime, there's something I would like to say. I know that none of you really knew Lacey all that well, with some exceptions, but Lacey Jackson was one of the most kind-hearted people I have ever known. She was so gentle, and warm, and she was never anything but sweet to people, unless she was being sarcastic, but even then you couldn't take her seriously, because her eyes would just scream apologies at you. Lacey was the kind of person I think everyone should aspire to be. She cared so much for the people around her, and also for herself in a way that I've never seen, and to watch Lacey live was something that will stay with me until the day I die. She inspired me, and gave me strength and courage, and because of her, I'm not afraid to go after the things I want in life. Lacey is a breathtaking person, and there is no sadness greater than knowing I'll never see her again," Louis said into the small microphone, his words echoing through the silent room.

He let out a breath and glanced at the coffin before returning to his seat. I reached my hand across Harry to take Louis' hand, and I squeezed it in a silent thank you.

I hadn't realized just how difficult it was going to be, getting up and speaking in front of everybody about her, but it was unbelievably difficult, especially because there was only a scarce number of people in the room that knew Lacey, and one of them was the reason for everything bad happening to her. 

The funeral director looked at me from his seat behind the podium, and I nodded slowly, getting back to my feet. 

I could feel everyone's eyes on me, burning through my black shirt. Before we left the bungalow, at the last minute, I'd slipped on my pink tie, because all it held were the memories of marrying Lacey.

My parents were watching me with sunken eyebrows and sorrowful eyes, which did nothing but make me slightly angry. They never got the chance to meet her, none of our parents did, yet they were all still taking up seats at her funeral. I looked across at Harry's mum who had her head down, and I assumed she was looking through the small booklet that Louis and Zayn had organized. 

My speech was still resting where I'd left it, so I found where I was up to and read the first line in my head. Something seemed wrong about it, and I realized how stupid I felt, reading from a piece of paper when I should have just been talking from my heart, so I screwed up my speech and looked at Harry, Liam, Louis and Zayn.

"Nothing will ever make sense again, and in a way I don't want it to. Lacey was the clarity in my life, and now it's like I'm watching everything unfold through a stained glass window. I can see, but not very well. Lacey changed my life, and it won't ever be the same again. I love her, and I miss her every moment of every day, I miss holding her, kissing her, making her smile, making her laugh. I miss everything about her down to the way her cheeks flushed and how her fingers were always moving, whether she knew it or not. I uh, I wrote something, like a song or a poem and I'm gonna read it, then I'm done," I said strongly, feeling around in my pocket for the slip of paper on which I wrote a brief collection of words.

My fingers wrapped around the bit of paper, and I pulled it out and rested it on the stand, looking at Harry who gave me a sad kind of smile. He'd walked in on me writing it, when I was in the weakest, more raw form of myself that I had been for a few days, and he knew how much it was going to tear me apart to read the words out loud, but it was something I needed to do.

"Shut the door, turn the light off, I wanna be with you, I wanna feel your love, I wanna lay beside you, I cannot hide this, even though I try. Heart beats harder, time escapes me, trembling hands touch skin, it makes this harder, and the tears stream down my face. If we could only have this life for one more day, if we could only turn back time; you know I'll be your life, your voice, your reason to be, my love, my heart is breathing for this, moments in time, I'll find the words to say, before you leave me today," I said slowly, my body trembling as the last words slipped from my numb lips.

I was suddenly filled with a burning cold of heartbreak and sadness, and like there was nothing that could ever warm me up again. The sun had been ripped from my world, leaving the sky as empty as my shattered heart.

Harry stepped up to the podium and braced a firm, reassuring grip on my shoulder, and that was when I completely lost my composure. In front of the people that I loved, I broke down, dropping to my knees and screaming, the only way I could let out the abundance of pain and sorrow that I felt.

I hardly noticed Harry crouching down beside me until I felt his tight grip around my shoulders as I screamed and cried, my body shaking.

Louis hurried towards us, and helped me to my unsteady feet and back to my seat, where I pulled my knees up to my chin and buried my face. I hadn't meant to lose it like that, but this was the final time most people would ever think about Lacey, and soon her body would be six feet underground, where there would be no way of me ever seeing her again.

"It's okay, just let it all out," Harry told me gently, and I did.