Frozen in Ice

Chapter 36

Luke's POV

Brynn offered to come home with me so that she could be there if Mom came home to talk to me. I seriously thought about it but I decided that it was better if it was just me and Mom. I didn't have work so I headed up to the apartment for the first time in weeks.

It was cold and empty and I knew that Mom had been here in the same period of time. I dumped all my stuff in my room and headed into the kitchen. I pretty much had to throw everything out in the fridge because it hadn't been eaten.

I knew that Mom wouldn't be home until after five so I had time to go and get groceries. I couldn't be bothered making a list so I locked the apartment again and headed out. The grocery store wasn't that far away and I had time to think about what I wanted make for dinner.

I headed up and down almost every aisle until I had what I wanted. I wasn't the worlds' greatest cook but I wasn't bad. I had had to learn with Mom being out all the time and I had to make food that was good for hockey.

I knew that it wasn't a big deal but with the amount of hockey that I played I was hungry a lot and it was hard to play if you were eating shit. I paid for it and headed back out and I was glad for the distraction. It kept me from thinking about my conversation with Mom the whole time.

The apartment was still empty when I headed back inside and I started music playing as I unpacked all the bags. I was softly humming along and had just put the last couple of things away as I heard the door open.

I stuffed the bread into the cupboard and wasn't surprised to turn around and see Mom standing in the doorway. I turned around and we both took seats around the table and for a couple of awkward seconds neither of us said anything.

"How come you did it?" I asked.

"I didn't mean to. Chase is amazing and I just fell in love with him," she said.

"I really don't care. What I meant was why did you never come home?" I asked

"I wasn't sure how you would react."

"Is that how lowly you think of me? That I wouldn't like you having someone to make you happy?"

"It's not like that."

"It's exactly like that."

"I had other reasons as well," she protested.

"And what were they?" I asked.

"You aren't particularly innocent in this. You are never home either."

"Do you know why though? I got so committed to hockey so that I had a way to make friends since we move so fucking often and to keep myself occupied so I didn't have to think about going back to the empty apartment that didn't feel like home."

"I didn't..." she started before I cut her off.

"Of course you didn't know. This isn't a one off thing. No matter where we are you are never home so I found reasons to be out of the apartment as well. I started getting more focused and serious about hockey but you wouldn't know because you never come to my games or ask me about it."

"I tried Luke, but I couldn't do it anymore."

"Do what? You were never there when I needed you anyway," I said.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"You think that every place that we move that it is easy. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to. I thought that I was ready to have this conversation but we aren't getting anywhere. You can go back to Chase and just leave me alone," I said.

She stood up and didn't say anything before she left. I didn't move for a minute as I sat there and calmed myself down. It was clear that Mom thought that she wasn't completely to blame and we weren't getting anywhere.

I had a couple of messages from Dylan, Justin, Brynn and Jamie but I ignored all of them. I didn't want to deal with anyone else at the moment, no matter how nice and understanding they are.

There was only place that I could think of going at the moment and I grabbed my hockey bag and headed out. I knew that the rink would be empty and I had a key so I unlocked the door and turned the lights on.

At first I didn't even grab my stick or a puck. I just tied my skates and started to skate. I had headphones in so that I was distracted from my thoughts. I started pushing myself harder and skate faster.

My thighs started to burn but I welcomed the pain. I grabbed my stick and started to shoot pucks. It helped me relax. I started playing hockey from a young age and I have always loved it. I got more and more serious about it and as I told Mom it was a way to distract me.

I knew that there were a couple of people watching me play but I moved too often to get into a system or a Coach. I don't really know if going pro was something that I could ever do. At the moment I just like playing.

I didn't know how long I was there until all my muscles burnt and I needed to sit down. I still didn't want to leave and go back to the apartment yet, even though I knew that Mom wasn't going to be there.

I sat on the ground and stretched my sore muscles out before realising that I needed to leave and sleep. I didn't grab my phone out and decided that I would respond to everyone later. I kept my headphones in but the music was just background noise now.

As soon as I got back I did head to bed but it took me ages to actually fall asleep. I had my earlier conversation with Mom running through my head and I couldn't stop thinking about what she had said and it brought back some of my insecurities.

She had pretty much said that the main reason that she wasn't here was because of me. That thought was rattling in my brain and that sort of thought makes it hard to sleep. I was right. I wasn't ready for this conversation.

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The Wise One