Our Little Night Sky. [KHR FANFIC]

Shot 27: The Rain Is Falling (End)

YAMAMOTO POV

I ....wanna die.

was what I thought when my family and I had dinner yesterday, My brother was laughing and talking interesting about my dad and dad also Responded happily and I smiled and join too but deep down....I actually feel like I shouldn't be there.

like... Why do I have this negative thoughts when I have such a great Family, Academic result, sport and life that anyone could've wish for but why do I feel pain inside when just a little bad thing happen.

I overthink of such a lil thing and that just make me sad the whole day.

when I was a kid I laugh it off when One if my friend said I'm the reason why my mom died.

I killed her.

She died because of childbirth and She chosen me over her life. Dad actually didn't want me, That's what I thought, He rather not have me than let my mom died but....Mom still chose me.

So... I've tried my best to be like my mom, They said she was a cheerful person, a happy go lucky person. I wanter to be just like her so I smiled and laugh...
even if I don't feel like.

my dad is a very responsible person, he took great care to me and my older brother but he sometime... pay more attention to my older brother.

they get along so well.

I'm jealous, I wanted to ask him why do he pay more attention to brother or maybe something like do you not like me more than brother? why can't you treat me like how you treat brother but I was too scared and just get along with it.

Years pass and instead of forgetting this negative thoughts it become worse...

This mask of mine feel so ...heavy.

This smiling mask face is so heavy...

I wanna cry so bad.

I want someone, anyone just to find me. I wanted to tell that someone I'm actually not happy at all, I don't wanna smile...Im tired of pretending.

Tried to open up my pain to someone before, a team mates of mine but instead of understanding he look at me in doubt, and said

"Are you kidding me Yamamoto? Your so lucky and Happy everytime it's impossible for you to be depress over something right? "

"Yeah he's right, That's just on your head you know stop overthinking we got a game today!"

"Mah mah your right hahahha sorry for troubling you"

"That's the Yamamoto we know let's go!"

dull pain passed my heart and I clenched my fist in anxiety.

yeah why do I even try. They won't believe me anyway. they've known me as a funny person so it's weird for them to see me weak.

so I hidden myself more and didn't let anyone to see the real me.

I become the ace of the baseball club. I wanted to be known into something. I'm great at baseball make me forgot everything negative and just hit and run. I'm different from my brother Asari, his good at any music instrument especially the flute my mom given him when she was still alive back then and also he inherited mom good singing voice is what I always heard them say.

I don't hate my brother.

nor my dad however

I...Im scared for them to know the real me who's actually apathetic, who really doesn't want to smile if not happy, who's afraid of their disappointment...