Solitude

A Solitary Discomfiture

Intimacy was a prospect to me that I couldn't find myself participating in. I stayed away from men and I didn't have any interest in being physical or emotional with anyone in my life. The thought used to, both, disgust me and cause me severe anxiety. I hated the thought of someone seeing my petite and thick body. I never cared about my body, I wasn't overly insecure about it but when I thought about someone else seeing it, I wanted to cover up like a nun. I practically was one.

That was before. Now, with Alex, the thought didn't repluse me. We had been intimate. After kissing and removing most of the anxiety and hesitation when it came to the physical side of a relationship, it didn't repulse me as much. Instead, I found myself wanting intimacy with Alex just as much as he wanted them and considering our relationship and my disorder, it didn't take that long for us to open that door.

However, just because that door was open and I was fully in the room, didn't mean it was open for discussion.

I was embarrassed and uncomfortable to talk to Alex about it so when Morgan brought up the topic five months after Alex and I became an item, I wanted nothing more than to dig myself a hole in the ground and lie in it.

I was, indeed embarrassed about my actions with Alex, but I wasn't ashamed. I loved our time together. I loved him and he loved me too. But that didn't mean I was going to talk about it.

"I'm really happy for you and Alex." Morgan commented as we sat on my sofa. We had adjusted our agreement to meeting two days a month. She nearly burst my eardrum when I told her. "He's a really good guy for you, he's helped you so much with your anxiety and confidence."

"Are you just saying that because he encouraged me to see you more than once a month?" I ask her, biting my lip to stop smiling.

Her smirk is the answer. "It is a factor but I've seen you together. You're happy, happier than I've ever seen you in your whole life and I'm happy for you." Her smile fades and a solemn look replaces it. "Yours and Alex's relationship. It is normal isn't it?"

"Is there such thing as a normal relationship?" I question, confused by her term.

Is a relationship between a recluse who loves her dog more than anything in the world and a workaholic who has a screaming match over the phone considered normal?

She exhales and she leans closer, an uncomfortable look on her face. "Is intimacy a problem for you guys?" I stay quiet, shocked by her question. She mistakes my silence for confusion. "You know... do you play a game of hide the sausage? Does he park his Lamborghini in your garage? Is it a Lamborghini or is it more if a Ford Ka?"

"Um... I am very uncomfortable right now." I scoot further away from her. I'm pretty sure he didn't have a Lamborghini. He said it was an audi. Why would a billionaire own a Ford Ka?

"Oaklee." She smiles calmly. "I've been your closest friend for years and I still am, as I hold that position in your life I'm allowed to ask. Are you and Alex having sex?" My eyes widen at her question and I immediately downturn my gaze, away from her. I curse myself internally when I feel all the heat from my body travelling upwards, flaming my cheeks. I hear her gasp and there's a slight bounce on the sofa. "Oh my god you are! You bad girl."

I quickly stand and head to the kitchen, needing a bottle of water to cool and calm myself. Sex wasn't a conversation people should talk about so openly. I wish I was confident enough to talk about it but I wasn't. I wasn't confident and the thought of talking about it caused a rush my panic.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of!" She called out, following me to the kitchen, standing a foot away from me. "It's perfectly natural."

"It might be perfectly natural but it's not perfectly natural for me to talk about." I splutter nervously, inhaling a sharp breath and squeezing the bottle of water in my hand.