Shift | Complete ✔️

18 | Imposter Syndrome

"Well, I guess that was positive news."

I placed the portrait of my mother on the buffet cabinet in the entryway. It felt a little odd putting something so personal in Phelan's house. I didn't want to run upstairs to my room to do it when I felt that we had shared such a personal and profound experience with Magdalene.

I didn't want it to appear as if I was running away from what we were told. Instead, I followed Phelan to the kitchen.

"Do you have to go to the pack house and do anything before the end of the day?"

His smile was reassuring, as if he knew that what I really wanted to say was, I don't want you to leave. 

"No. I've been in touch with Gunner. Everything is fine," he said as he tapped his forehead with his index finger.

"Oh, of course, the mind linking thing. I'm still getting the hang of your superpowers." I quipped.

I trailed my fingers across the mahogany table before following him as he gestured to the kitchen. "I don't need mind linking to hear your stomach rumbling though... what do you feel like?"

What I wanted to say was, watching you take your shirt off... but momentarily thankful for my hybrid status, those thoughts were mine alone as I stated "whatever you're offering" instead.

Ambiguity was part of my charm after all. 

Helping Phelan prepare a late lunch, I enjoyed the chance to just do something normal together. My time here so far had been one ongoing saga after another, and if I wanted to explore what could possibly be between us, I had to spend time with him to make it grow.

For me, I couldn't simply fall in love. I wasn't a wolf. I was more human than not, and while I wished that it were easier, it simply wasn't the case.

I couldn't deny that he had me at his mercy. I had never been so attracted to anyone in my life, and I felt at constant war with the signals my body was sending. But... there was still an element of caution. Caution because, I had been burned once before. And also, because I was still grappling with human culture; murdering is bad. Violence is bad. The end never justifies the means. I had to try and undo the conditioning I had been brought up with. 

This was an entirely different world. A world ruled by tooth and claw. The survival of the fittest. A hierarchy where the strongest dominated, and where there was always someone else or something else, lying in wait to pounce and take control.

Excitement and tension reigned because there was always something to battle, and something to learn. But what I realised was that without Phelan, there was always going to be something to fear.

I knew I was weak without him. I knew that others perceived me as some kind of wannabe. I couldn't butter a piece of toast without tearing the bread let alone defend myself. I was still holding onto those feelings of being an imposter.

How on Earth could I be a Luna? A leader? 

Phelan pulled me from my thoughts. "You need to start training with the others in the pack."

I laughed hysterically. "Are you insane? You do realise the only thing I have ever beaten are scrambled eggs, right?"

He placed his fork down on his plate, before looking me square in the eye. "I'm deadly serious. The pack needs to get to know you, and you need to learn to defend yourself."

"Defend myself? Against a pack of werewolves? Gee, what could possibly go wrong?"

"You're not made of porcelain, Edie. You need to get used to it."