I know that you're scared because I'm so open
Photographs are beautiful and ageless, because even after the memories have passed and the people have changed, you can look back... and for a moment- a split second, everything is exactly the way it wa...
I laid in bed with the curtains closed as I watched tv with the blankets tucked under my arms. My apartment felt empty and unfamiliar, it didn't help that Sophia didn't know how to keep one single plant of mine alive.
So, My motivation? Dead. Whatever I had with Harry? also dead. My plants? Dead And my cat? You guessed it, dead.
It felt almost too hard to breathe, this...weight on my chest was crushing me and the one person that I wanted to run to, turned out to be... nothing. There was a soft tapping on the door before it was pushed open and Sophia came in with a small smile.
"I figured you didn't have any food so... I brought bagel sandwiches and coffees from your favorite." She said and she set the bag down on the side table and handed me the tray of coffees as she kicked her shoes off beside the bed and lifted the covers to climb under. Once she was comfy she grabbed the tray from me, and handed me my coffee before taking hers, and setting the cardboard tray on the floor beside her. She then opened the bag and checked the wrapped sandwiches, handing me the one she got for me. "So... what are we watching?" She asked and she unwrapped her sandwich and took a bite.
"It's a documentary on John Wayne Gacy." I told her and she nodded slowly and pursed her lips.
"Okay... nice, nice." She said skeptically and looked back to the screen. We watched for a few minutes as we ate our food before she glanced over at me and back to the screen.
"Have you gotten out of bed today?" She asked lowly and I paused for a moment.
"Ya know... Gacy killed at least 33 victims? That's 33 families that suffered, that's hundreds of parents, siblings, friends, grandparents... who collapsed over a loss so unimaginable. And he... he ripped families apart and never even felt sorry... not even up until his last day." I told her, she reached between us and grabbed my hand in hers.
"So you're handling this well..." she said sarcastically and I chuckled and swatted her arm. Silence fell over us as we watched the documentary, but I couldn't stop thinking about everything. I keep having to remind myself that Arlo isn't on the balcony, he isn't waiting on the railing for me to come out and sit with him while I smoked, he isn't sitting on the table beside me while I watched him watch the birds. And Harry isn't texting me that he's on his way to bring me to breakfast like he used to do if we were both working the afternoon.
He didn't want me, he just wanted me until he could find something.... better? More worth his time? Something more exciting? Or maybe just someone who wasn't me, and maybe it's truly just as simple as him getting bored. And it feels even worse, not know what exactly to label this to. Because... he didn't cheat, but he was... with me, I supposed. This still felt the same, this still felt like I was betrayed and stepped on, this was still unfair. And for him to say what he did, like he didn't even care... like it was just so easy for him to rip me apart and just walk away.
This felt like it may never go away- this grief that is shackled to my ankle. It felt like it was impossible to even get up and have to drag it around with every step, how was I going to get on a plane in 3 days and pretend like I didn't feel like I was suffocating?
"What are you thinking about? Come on, share it with the class, you know you do better when you think out loud." She was right, but the normally I would be sitting outside bouncing things off to Arlo, who would sit beside me and tilt his head to the sound of my voice as I talked to him, some days I even swore he could understand what I was saying.
"I just, I don't know how I'm supposed to go back... the thought of having to get back on a plane and fly across the globe again feels impossible and... and just daunting." I said softly and she squeezed my hand and took a deep breath.
"I know this must feel impossible, but you don't have to do anything here..."
"That is my job. I can't just leave them high and dry."
"You're not, you're leaving them with Mackenzie, who is more than capable, and you know it. You have asked her for a "handful of pictures" every night since you've been gone, just so you don't miss out... have you seen any single issue with her work?" She asked sternly and I shrugged and shook my head.
"Well... no."
"And Jeff seemed to be understanding?"
"Well... yeah, but that's because I told him a week."
"Listen Victoria... if you don't want to go back, you don't have to. You can stay here and pick back up what you left, you can come back to the studio, your desk hasn't been touched..."
"So, I assume that means my desk plant died too then?" I asked and she slowly turned her head back to the tv and pressed her lips together.
"And once I get you a new desk plant, you'll have a super cool new desk buddy."
"I just... I have to think about it." I told her, I would feel so guilty if I didn't go back, but the thought of even moving from my bed right now makes me want to sink deeper and deeper into my mattress.
-
I sat up quickly, my chest heaving as I tried to catch my breath. I tapped my phone and let the screen light up the pitch black room, It was 4 am and the room was silent and still. The nightmare woke me up, startling me awake as I tried to calm myself from the mode of panic I woke up in. I picked up my phone and saw a few useless Facebook notifications, some from Twitter, and a text message from Mackenzie from an hour ago. I dismissed the Twitter notifications, deciding to stay off the app for a while to try and avoid seeing some headline or some drama that may just make me feel worse.
From Mackenzie: Guess who got caught being cute:
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Her picture made me smile, I knew Sarah had a crush on him, I tried to get her to admit it just a couple weeks ago and she got all flustered and told me to go fuck myself. I'm glad Mackenzie caught this moment, and I'm even happier that she sent it to me to keep me in on the important details, because to be honest, despite my best friend sitting beside me, I feel so, awfully alone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - HELLO!!!!!
Sorry for the short chapter, but you're getting another soon ;)
🚨🚨🚨🚨Anyways, I need y'all to actually answer me in the comments on this: would you guys be interested if I made a Spotify playlist with all the music used in these chapters??? I know there haven't been a lot but for the ones I've already listed, and the ones to come??? I'll even include songs that were super influential to me for this story! Let me know what you're feeling please please please!
I hope everyone is having an amazing week/month/year ❤️ love you all endlessly
