All I Want Is This

33

Mark had his head well pressed against the kitchen table while his arms were wrapped around his neck. He was still struggling for a decision.

He rose his head with a sudden movement and stared ahead blankly. "I have to talk to Meredith," he mumbled.

Derek – who had stayed all this time with him- sighed with relief and muttered, "Finally."

From the blank stare, Mark's eyes moved on Derek as he heard his voice. "What if..." he mumbled, but stopped quickly as he didn't dare to form the question entirely.

"What if?" Derek snapped nervously. He thought Mark had finally started judging maturely, but he proved to be still unsure of his decisions. "What if lightening strikes you, what if you screw something in the OR and your career is ruined... there a 'what if' to all the things in this life and if we keep asking ourselves what if we chock with food then we would stop eating. You can't stop eating, you cannot stop breathing because you're scared of pollution. You can't stop taking risks. That's what our life is based on, risks. Give me an example of a time when you risked and life turned miserable?" Mark opened his mouth to answer, but Derek held up his hand, stopping him, as he knew what he would answer. "You trusted her and she betrayed your trust by leaving you. See the half filled of the glass. She left Ally with you. If Meredith will do the same, then you will be alone with two children. You cannot be sure of this and you'll never know how it ends if you don't try."

Mark had furrowed his brows while he listened to Derek's lecture. He was right. Mark ran his fingers through his hair, sighing exhaustedly, and stood up. He checked his watch and muttered under his breath, "It's past midnight," and his thoughts quickly ran to Meredith. Had she managed to fall asleep or how bad the pain felt? He asked himself.

"It is late," Derek agreed. "Maybe you should wait the morning."

Mark sighed and nodded. "I will go check on Ally," he mumbled and walked out of the kitchen.

Mark slowly pushed the bedroom door open and quietly walked inside, heading to Alicia's bed. The first thing he spotted was his mother's silhouette, sleepily lying on the bed. Mark narrowed his eyes as he noticed the empty spot beside her. He touched the place as if he wanted to make sure that his daughter's little frame wasn't lost between sheets, but everything felt flat beneath his fingers.

"Al?" he asked in whisper, looking around the room. Maybe she was curled up in a corner. It was dark inside but he could easily see that Alicia wasn't there. "Alicia?" Mark asked louder this time.

Crystal woke up and sleepily stood up. "What is it?"

Mark turned the lights on and gave a better look to the room. "Where is Ally?" he asked, now bending to look under the bed.

Panic washed over as Crystal looked beside her. "She was sleeping here with me."

As he convinced himself that Alicia wasn't in her room, Mark stormed outside and barged inside his. "Ally?" he asked, looking around.

Alarmed by the panic from Mark's voice, Derek came to see what was going on. "You can't find her?" he asked, also stepping inside and looking around.

"No," Mark froze in the middle of the room, panicked.

"Maybe she's at the bathroom," Crystal suggested.

Mark shook his head. "The doorknob is not working so well and she can't open the door by herself, unless it's already open."

All three of them stormed out of the room and headed to the bathroom. The door was closed, but Mark still gave a look inside. Everyone started searching in every possible place.