Sarah Paulson & Characters x Reader - Mental Health One Shots

Breakdown - Cordelia Goode

I'm sorry this is very dark but I needed to write. I just had I bad mental breakdown and I needed to find something to do instead of someone to call so I wrote. (I just wrote it right now and I think it's bad and full of mistakes but I don't really care rn)

Take care, i love you and I'm proud of you x

The reader looks for Cordelia as they have a really hard time and Cordelia is here to help them.

TW : Bad thoughts, Suicidal thoughts, Mention of Self-Harming & Skipping Meals...

-- words count : 1100 --

I've been spiraling all evening. I barely ate anything at dinner as I ate so much the previous meals. I binged yesterday and ate a full meal at lunch but it was too much. Now I just want the pain to go away. I feel like a need to cry but the tears aren't falling. I tried everything to cry, to feel something but it's just pain and pain again Pain in my heart, in my head, on my arms which are screaming for me to cut them. But I can't, I don't want to spend the rest of the Christmas holidays hiding my wounds.

I'm having some kind of panic attack, I can't breathe but I can't cry neither. I bite my pillow so hard it makes me want to throw up. So I run to the bathroom and put my fingers down my throat, nothing comes out. I don't want to feel sick so I stop and come back to my bedroom. It's been like an hour I try to stop the urge to cut but it's too much. The thoughts are too much, I am too much. I want to sleep but I can't, I want to stop feeling this pain. I want everything to stop but I can't do that to my family and my friends and I can't even more because it's nearly Christmas. I can't do that.

I take my blade from my nightstand I look at it. Then I look at my left wrist. My cuts are nearly healed and some are totally faded. If I don't do it, I'll be able soon to stop hiding my arms. But I want to cut, I want to cut so badly. I don't want to seek help because I don't want to worry someone or to be, again, the person with the problems, with the bad mental health. I feel like no one can hear me, no one can understand me so I stay like that. I put back my blade on my nightstand and I look for something to do instead. But I have no way to stop those thoughts. I need to do it. One last good thought comes across my head, what if I look for help ?

So I stand up and I walk to my door. I take a deep breathe and I go downstairs. I knock at Cordelia's office and I hear a small "Come in."

I open the door and as soon as Cordelia raises her eyes, she can tell something wrong. She stands up without saying anything and hugs me. She holds me tight for few minutes as I just breathe. I can breathe. She slowly let go and looks at me with her comforting look.

"Do you want to talk about it ?" She asks without mentioning what.

I nod and she takes my hand.

"Come on upstairs. We'll be more comfortable."

As we reach my bedroom, she opens the door and sits on my bed. She pats the space between her legs and I sit in front of her, my back laying on her chest. There is nothing sexual or anything between Cordelia and I. She just wants to make me feel as comfortable as she can.

As she strokes my hair with her hand, I'm playing with my fingers. She takes my hands with her free hand and allows me to play with her rings. I don't know how to talk to her, I don't know what to say but she notices it so she speaks first.

"Did something happened ?"

I shake my head.

"You weren't feeling okay ?" She says quietly.

I simply nod as I can already feel tears forming in my eyes. Finally, I say to myself.

Cordelia wipes the first tears streaming down my cheeks, even if she can't see my face.

"What were you thinking about my sweet girl ?" She asks softly. She has always this perfect tone which makes me feel loved and safe.

"I don't know. I was okay and then I wasn't." I sigh. "I was thinking of all the bad things than happened in my life, and how I wanted to come back and changed them. I could have told the persons what was going to happen, I could have help the person who needed help without noticing it. But I know I can't and now it's too late."

"I know baby." She whispers but I'm not finished.

"And then I was scared, I don't know for what but I felt so bad, my heart was hurting so much and if I could I would have ripped it off my body." I stopped crying to take my breathe.

"I wanted to make the pain go away, I try to throw up, to cry, but nothing happened. Then I took my blade, but I didn't cut. I wanted to, so much you can't even imagine. But I fought Cordelia, I fought and I came to see you. It was so hard to stop my brain from hurting me and to come seek help. So, so hard I don't even know how I managed to do it."

"But you did. And you can't imagine how proud I am. You're such a fighter (y/n), you're so strong. I'm glad you came because everyone should have someone to called if they're feeling like you were ten minutes ago. And I'm this person for you. I want you to understand that and to memorize it for the rest of your life, I'll always be here for you, always. No matter what. Do you understand ?"

I nod.

"Say it (y/n)."

"I do. I understand and I thank you a lot." I turn to face her. "I don't know what I would to if you weren't here Cordelia." I start to cry again and Cordelia wrap her arms around me. I cry a very long time in her embrace as she is rocking me back and forth. I feel again so loved and cared about, and I understand that I'll always be able to count on her because I know she means in and I can't be more thankful to have found the person that makes me feel like that, and who is ready to do everything to make me feel like I deserve to live.