Sarah Paulson & Characters x Reader - Mental Health One Shots

Not a Big Deal - Xandra

Suggestion by ilovehotactresses : (Y/n) has depression and Self harms and reader don't see the problem and thinks it's fine.

Thank you for your suggestion love x

TW : Depression, Self-Harming

-- words count : 1150 --

I've been self-harming since a long time now. Few years or so, but it's okay. I know a lot of people who used to self-harm but since I moved with my uncle and his girlfriend, I don't talk to this people anymore, and I don't know if they stopped or no.

The weather is pretty hot here, and I'm wearing shorts and a crop top. It's been a week since I arrived at my uncle's house, but he is not here, he said he had a business trip or whatever, so I'm just staying with his girlfriend, Xandra. She is nice but we don't share a lot of things. She is tanning outside, next to the pool as usual. I step in the kitchen to eat something and Xandra notice me. She motion her finger to tell me to join her outside, and I sit on a chaise longue. We doesn't talk but I enjoy her company, she's isn't looking at me but she starts to speak.

"Why don't you put on some swimsuits and tan with me, you're so pale."

"I don't know, I rather stay inside." I answer quietly.

"Did you make any friends yet ?" She asks.

"No, but I'm fine with it." I reply, eating my chicken wings.

Xandra turns her head to face me.

"You don't want any friends ?" She raises one eyebrow.

"No, I'm okay by myself. I don't like to talk to people."

Xandra sighs and turns again to face the hot sun.

I come back inside and lay on my bed. I stare at the ceiling until I hear some knocks on my door.

"Come in." I say weakly.

"Gosh (y/n), you spend the whole fucking day in your bedroom again ?!" She seems angry.

I simply nod my head, not knowing why she is mad.

"You can't just stay here doing nothing ! You're seventeen, go make some friends or dress up and go out !" She says, and bends to take an old sandwich laying on the floor.

"Shit what is that ??"

I turn to look at it. "I wasn't hungry."

"Fuck (y/n) it's disgusting ! Your bedroom is disgusting ! Tomorrow you better clean everything and come spend the day with me. You won't stay another day here, doing nothing." And with that she leaves my bedroom.

I can feel tears streaming down my cheeks, I don't like being yelled at. I drag myself to my drawer and take my blade. I slide it few times on each wrists and thighs, and then I wipe the blood. I don't bother put some bandages and I lay on my bed again, waiting for the slumber to come.

The next morning, Xandra is drumming at my door. "Wake up (y/n) ! Put a swimsuit, you come swim with me." She says sternly.

I don't move and she comes back, few minutes later. She doesn't bother knocking this time and just slams the door open.

"Gosh (y/n) ! get your lazy ass up now !"

As she seems very serious, I stand up. I remember what she says few minutes ago and even if I really don't want to go to the pool, I take my swimsuit.

"Can I have a little privacy while I'm changing ?" I asks quietly, rubbing my tired eyes.

Xandra nods and leaves my room. I put the swimsuit and go downstairs. She is already tanning and I look at the clock, 11 am. 'Early', I thought to myself. I usually sleep until 1 pm. I rather staying asleep than living, life is exhausting.

I step outside and Xandra looks at me. "Finally." She whispers.

I sit on a chaise longue next to her and she suddenly sit up.

"What is that ??" She asks concerned, pointing at my fresh wounds on both of my thighs.

"Scars." I murmur, feeling a bit embarrassed. No one had never confronted me about them.

"(Y/n), you cut yourself ? Does it happen often ?" Xandra seems worried and I never saw her like that.

"Yes, but it's not a big deal."

"Yes it is !" She takes my arms in her hands. "Oh my god hun..." She says as she discovers more cuts on my wrists.

"What happened ? Why did you do such a thing to your body ?" She demands, tears filling her eyes, and I don't understand why she seems so upset.

"Nothing happened. I do it since a while now but it's fine. I'm fine."

"Oh no baby, you're not fine at all." She stands up and sits next to me. She then covers my cuts with my towel.

"I don't want the sun to mark your skin even more."

"Xandra, it's okay, really !" I start to become angry.

"No, it's not. Come inside, I'll clean your cuts babe." She grabs my hand and I accept it. 'Is it that bad to self-harm ? Is it really a big deal ?'

I don't realize that I just said these thoughts aloud, until Xandra replies.

"Yes it's a big deal. People who are okay don't hurt themselves. And they don't spend their days locked up in a dark room, staring at nothing." She sits me on the couch and grasb a first aid kit.

"It's going to sting sweetie, I'm sorry in advance."

She cleans my cuts and I wince at the pain.

"Sorry babe." She simply says. When it's over, she sits on the couch and pats her lap. I find it weird at first, but I sit on her lap.

"Now talk to me. What is happening in your head for you to do such a thing ?" She asks as she cuddles me.

"I don't know..." I sigh. "I don't feel anything, and the pain of cutting is the only feeling that I express, I guess." I say unsure.

"I got it little one, but you need to understand that you can't do it. It's not a healthy way to feel things, not at all. And when you'll be a grown up woman, you'll realize that it was a mistake. For now you think that it's okay to do it, because you think you need it, but you don't."

"But what can I do to feel something if I stop cutting ?" I ask.

"Well, you can go out, make some friends. You're seventeen, at seventeen you need to sneak out at night, and feel excitement about it, but also fear that me or your uncle will discover it. At seventeen you start to drink and smoke, but you don't truly like it, so you're supposed to feel disgust about it. At seventeen you can do piercings, or tattoos, and that's when you feel pain. But it's good pain. Not the pain that you're giving to your innocent body right now. Do you understand ?"

"I do." I say nodding, tears filling my eyes. Xandra notices it and hold me tighter.

"And at seventeen, you experience your first breakup, break down, and you feel sadness, and maybe emptiness. And that's normal, because you're seventeen. But please (y/n), don't hurt yourself ever again."

"I- I'll try." I answer, now crying my eyes out.

"Good girl." Xandra replies, kissing my temple.