Sarah Paulson & Characters x Reader - Mental Health One Shots

Dark Place - Cordelia Goode (part 1)

Suggestion by @justnoicantthinkof1 : (Y/n) has been really closed off and hasn't talked to anyone because they are suffering with sh, depression, and ed and is pushing away everyone until they finally have no mental strength to fight on their own.

Thank you so much for your suggestion x

TW : Depression, Eating Disorder, Self-Harm

-- words count : 900 --

I live in the academy for few years now, after I realized I could move objects with my mind. I asked my parents about the academy and they were okay with me to go to it. At first, I was totally fine. I enjoyed the time with the girls and I quickly became very good friends with Zoe. The other girls were so nice too, except Madison who is a total bitch to everyone. But the most wonderful person here is Cordelia, the headmistress and Supreme. She is always so caring about her girls, and she notice immediately when something is wrong. But she never suspected that I wasn't okay.

Lately, I started so isolate myself. I'm sleeping most of the day, trying to avoid eating. I still got up for my classes, but I don't bother doing makeup or dressing up. Before, I was always spending so much time in the bathroom, wondering what I was going to wear, or if I should put my hair in a ponytail, a low bun, or let it fall gracefully on my shoulders. But since a little while, I don't dare look at myself in the mirror. I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate everything about me.

I'm peacefully resting on my bed. The curtains are closed and I'm trying to enjoy the quiet of the academy, since it's the holidays and everyone is with their families. As my parents live in Europe, I rather stay here than doing a very long trip, as I'm very scared of taking the plane.

I try to fall asleep again as I hear three soft knocks on my door. I rapidly pretend to be asleep, when I hear the door crack open.

"(Y/n), sweetheart are you awake ?" Says Cordelia in a low voice.

As she doesn't get any answer, she just steps out of my room. I think she must have notice that I spend all my days in my bedroom, but she doesn't seem to care at all. But a part of me wants her to care, to help me through this hard time I'm having, for no reason. As I'm thinking too much, I feel an awful pain in my chest. Loneliness, sadness, results in pain. I slowly stand up and feel immediately dizzy probably from the lack of food. I carefully reach the bathroom, and like every morning, I step on the scale. The number are low, but not enough. I'm mad at myself because I know I should exercise more in order to lose more weight. The pain in my chest increases and I feel like I need a way to make it stop. I turn around in the bathroom and I suddenly see Zoe's razor. She must have forgot it when she packed for the holidays.

I look at it for few seconds until I take it and break it. I just find the way to make the pain go away. I never did this before, but I know it can release my pain. I sit on the toilet and start to draw lines on my wrists with the blade. They aren't very deep, but they are numerous. But I can still feel the pain in my chest, so I pull my pants down and cut new lines on my thighs. And it feels so good. As I wipe the blood, I hear again, three knocks on my bedroom door.

"(Y/n), dinner is ready."

Dinner ? Already ? I thought it was only like 11 am.

"I- I'm not hungry Cordelia." I stutter and put back my pants.

"It's been a while since I saw you eat (y/n). Is everything okay ?" Cordelia asks.

"Y-yes, I'm fine."

"Can I come in ?"

"NO ! I mean, I'm in the bathroom, I was going to take a shower." I lie.

"Okay..." Cordelia's voice seems concerned. "Well, join me downstairs when you're ready." And I can hear her footsteps getting away.

I sigh because I hate lying, above all, lying to Cordelia. And I know deep down that she can tell when someone is lying to her, but I can't help. How am I suppose to say the things that are crossing my mind and clouding my thoughts ?

I finally decide to take a shower and after it, I put some comfortable clothes. I go downstairs, and I see Cordelia washing the dishes. I clear my throat and she raises her eyes to meet mine.

"Take a sit (y/n). Let me just finish cleaning that."

I sit and I can feel the nervousness growing inside my body. As I start eating my nails, Cordelia sits across me. She stares at me for few seconds before asking :

"How are you feeling honey ?" With a worried tone.

"I'm good."

"You doesn't seem good." She states.

I just look at her as I can already feel tears in my eyes.

"Talk to me please. I noticed you not eating with us anymore, and you isolate yourself from the other girls... And from me."

"I- I'm fine, I promise." Is all I can say without breaking down in front of her.

"If there was something, you would tell me ? You know I can hear everything."

I simply nod and I excuse myself, saying that she doesn't have to worry for me.