and over again [SEQUEL to over and over] [[Jacob Black x OC]] ..twilight..

9

even though I was surrounded by people who loved me, I felt terribly lonely. Bella spent a lot of time sleeping. Jacob spent a lot of time talking, planning, researching, plus running errands for his father. Edward was by Bella's side at all times, and if he wasn't, he was having secret discussions with Jacob, Carlisle and Alice. Carlisle didn't even have any time to talk like he used to. he gave me some phone numbers of psychiatric colleagues I could talk to in the mean time. I didn't want to talk to them. Alice and jasper didn't make themselves available much. often, I spent time lounging around the reading room, taking long baths in the oversized jacuzzi-style bath tub, sleeping in bed at home, or mindlessly walking through the woods in the back yard. it was all very lonely.

Bella was getting worse everyday. it's unlike any pregnancy I'd ever seen or heard of. in just a week of conception, she seemed to already be three months pregnant. this was well beyond my comprehension. she was sick all the time, writhing around with back pain. I couldn't stand to see her like this.

walking through the woods, I carried a book with me for pressing flowers and other foliage. heavily sedated, I moved at a snails pace, taking my time to look all over the forest floor for the perfect pick. I was thinking about what Bella's pregnancy would be like and how long it would take. at this pace, I thought it would be less than a month. I really hoped she would be okay. already, her body was struggling to support such fast growth. it was... disturbing.

I came to a clearing with few trees and a long stream of rushing water. I trudged through it, searching for frogs, bugs and flowers. there wasn't much, just a few mushrooms and a little orange salamander near the rocks by the water.

under a tree by the stream, I saw a bright orange fox. the color reminded me of Victoria's hair. she was so beautiful, her hands were gentle and loving. I imagined what life would've been like for everyone else if she had gone ahead and killed me that day. maybe she would've gotten away. I wondered if Bella and Edward would've gone on to get married when they did. maybe Bella wouldn't have gotten pregnant. Jacob could've been nearly finished the grieving process. jasper would've never come so close to hurting me, he wouldn't be so upset today. sure, Charlie would be heartbroken. mom would've cried at my funeral. they would've gotten over it.

I knelt by the deflated fox, eyes searching for a cause of death. her little beady eyes were open and staring back at me. I could see myself in the reflection of her black eyes. I frowned and opened the book I was carrying. I laid all of my flowers around her, especially at her paws and near her face. little papery white and purple flowers, small ferns, blue bells, and pale magenta clover. I walked around the clearing a bit and found some gorgeous forget-me-nots. I kept a couple for my book and the rest, I laid among the fox. when I lowered myself close to the ground to place the flowers over her, I saw a dried up bite mark on her neck. it looked a lot like the one on my neck. I wondered which Cullen it was that had done it. crouching there, I imagined jasper standing in my place, sinking his teeth into the whimpering thing until it stopped moving. when he tossed her down here, beneath the tree, he wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and ran off to find his next kill.

tears were stinging my eyes and my throat felt tight.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to the fox's body.

I loved animals. it was a terrible thing to know someone I loved probably ended her life.

or maybe, I thought as I started to walk back to the Cullens house, she saw death the way I had when I was in Victorias clutches. in jasper's hands, or whoever's, maybe the fox anticipated death's comforting haze. as the blood drained, and her heart slowed, she may have known the first real moment of peace in her life. being a fox out here, in these woods, it couldn't be easy. bears and wolves weren't exceedingly common, but surely, they were around. the weather was damp and sometimes extremely cold. I can't say that the fox had a hard life, who knows? I just hope the end wasn't too painful.