and over again [SEQUEL to over and over] [[Jacob Black x OC]] ..twilight..

10

when jacob entered the room, i was crying in jaspers arms on the floor. i had no idea how long we'd been there because time wasnt moving anymore, the earth had stopped spinning the moment carlisle told me i was done.
"ada," jacob said nervously, unaware of what he was walking into. "what's going on? what happened?"
i didnt even try to explain. i just shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut. i didnt want to keep going.
with my head against jaspers chest, i felt the vibrations from his vocal chords, but i ignored whatever it was he was telling jake. the sobs shook my chest, nearly choking me, making it hard to breathe. jake knelt in front of me, smoothing my hair, talking. but i wasn't listening.
in time, jasper must have thought it only appropriate to shift me over to jake and give us some time. he tried to redirect my attention and calm me down, but the only thing that gradually soothed me was the pure exhaustion from expending so much energy. i must have been crying for at least an hour. my eyes were tired, my throat hurt, and i was gasping for air, almost gagging. i had no choice but to calm down and try to breathe.
lying on jakes lap there in the dim light of the study, i let him tell me that everything would be okay. i didnt put up any fight. i couldnt, not then.
i tried fighting off sleep, but it snuck up on me before i knew it.

when i woke up, jacob and i were lying in his bedroom at his dads place. it was dark except for the light coming in from the half moon. i sat up in bed and stared out the window for a little before getting up to use the bathroom.  then, i drank some water from the tap, swallowing with an aching throat.
when i slid back into his bed, with two fans blowing on us, i pulled the blankets over myself and curled into his side. i listened to the sound of his breath and felt his heart beat against my face. my heart was broken, even lying next to someone i loved dearly. carlisle completely betrayed me. life was a vicious and nasty thing, and now i was suddenly expected to go through it without the stuff that helped the most? it felt evil. it felt so fucking wrong.
i laid awake beside jacob for an hour or so. i was so agitated that i tossed and turned, unable to fall back asleep. jacob slept peacefully, totally unbothered.
when i did finally fall asleep, i was too tired to dream.

when i woke up, i was alone. the sun was shining brightly through the window and i could hear jacob in the next room talking. eventually, i realized he must have been on the phone. i couldnt make out what he was saying but i certainly didnt hear anyone in the house responding.
i wanted to give up. i didnt want to sleep or be awake or talk or listen or watch or participate or laugh or cry or live or die. i wanted my fucking benzos, painkillers, tranquilizers, whatever.
as i was brooding in bed, jacob entered the room.
"hey," he said gently, sitting in the middle of the bed on his side. "how are you feeling?"
i shook my head, not turning to look at him.
"i'm sorry, honey," he said gently, putting a warm hand on my leg. "i know things are really hard right now. i promise they wont stay like this."
i didnt have anything to say. i just shrugged.
"i have to meet with sam and the rest of the pack today," jacob said, rubbing my leg, trying to be comforting. "i have no idea how long it might be. i'll probably have to go to the cullen's afterwards to tell them how it goes. i'd like it if you stayed at their place while i'm gone."
i rolled my eyes, though he couldnt see. "why, so someone can babysit me?" i grumbled.
he was quiet for a moment. that was confirmation enough. they had to toss me around like a baby with no parents.
"its not like that," he said, trying to change the narrative. "it could go for a long time."
"so? i'll probably just sleep anyway," i whined. i was being annoying. i wanted to shut the fuck up.
"i dont want this to turn into a fight," jacob warned me. "lets just make this easy."
i sighed and we sat in silence for a moment. he wasnt going to let me say no. i was too resigned to misery to fight.
"fine," i mumbled. "when?"
"we should leave soon, really," he said quietly. "20 minutes?"
i shrugged. "okay."
"im sorry, ada. you know i love you so much," he said sweetly, then leaned down and kissed my cheek. it was hard not to let him make me feel a little better. i turned to face him and wrapped my good arm around him in a sort of hug and let him kiss me.

i couldnt believe it. i could hardly bear to see it. bella sat on the couch, appearing to be a severely malnourished woman who was nine months pregnant, drinking blood from a pouch. it looked like a capri sun but it was filled with viscous burgundy blood. i felt sick, i couldnt stand to be around her like this. not only did she look awful, but she was gasping and moaning with pain. it was unnerving and scary. i just couldnt be there for her, so i wasnt.
i hung around the reading room by myself for a little, ignoring any polite visitors that wanted to put on a joyful front to soothe the anxiety of the house. there was nothing to pretend for. things were bad and thats okay.

i took myself out for a walk to get away from patronizing eyes and my sisters... affliction. i was feeling more suicidal than ever. i had half a plan to just go ahead and let whatever wild animal ravage me if it wanted to. there had to be some bear or coyote that the cullens hadnt killed yet.
i didnt mind if i got lost, either. i walked aimlessly through the sweating trees, not cautiously avoiding anything in my way. i walked for hours with no breaks.
i could hear water in the distance and felt a dim determination to find it. when the i stepped up to a space where the trees stopped growing, i found myself on the tallest cliff ive ever stood on. the ground opened up into a vast gray ocean, though it must have only been a river or sea. nonetheless, waves crashed at the base of the cliff.
i knew i couldnt have gotten here if i wasnt fated to stand at this cliff with a decision to make.
the hole in my heart, the pills, the pregnancy that might kill my sister and her baby, the conflict between the cullens and the werewolves, the fact that i was entwined with two groups of creatures that shouldnt even exist, school, the looming threat of the workplace and endless wage-labor....
but there was also jake, bella (if she lived), edward, jasper, alice, my dad, my mom, and animals, long walks, flowers, hot baths and showers, movies...
i didnt know if that was enough. i looked down into the water. i stood there for a very long time. so long, in fact, that the sun was setting beyond the mountains across this vast body of water. would i rather kill myself or try and face the woods at night? woods surely occupied with all kinds of animals and spiders. if i didnt kill myself fast by jumping, did i already set myself up to die through starvation or animal attack?
this decision did not come easy.
i set my book down among the rocks and stared below me. the remaining sun light was fading.
my heart was pounding in my throat. i thought i heard someone scream when i leapt, but it must have just been me.
i braced myself, but still wasnt ready for how freezing cold the water was. i broke through it feet-first and shot through with my eyes closed. when i opened them, i could hardly see anything at all. it was dark and hazy. i could see my hand when i held it close to my face, but not well. it was much scarier down here than i ever imagined.
i could see someone swimming towards me and i screamed, immediately releasing all of my oxygen. it bubbled from my mouth and i sucked in so much cold water so fast. i was choking, but not for long. there was peace.