Letters To Liam (Liam Payne)

First Letter: When Everything Started

Okay, so here's the thing: I have had this idea rounding in my head for a while already. It's going to be something short, probably 5 chapters. They are letters from Phoebe to Liam while they were in the tour with them (Backfire) and when she meets Lucas (beginning of Misconceptions). You've always wanted to know something more about them and how Phebs felt about all this, now it's your chance. I've told you many times, Liam and Phebs are not meant to be, now you'll see that from her POV.

At the sidebar, a picture fo how I picture Phebs to be... more or less.

I really hope you like it. In the series, this story would be book 1.5. 

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First Letter: When Everything Started

Dearest Liam,

It’s been a couple of days already in the tour and I feel like I’m choking in my own feelings all the time. That’s why I’ve decided to write you some letters, just to tell you what I can’t say out loud. Of course, you will never read these letters. I’ll probably burn them down when we get home. Can you imagine then a plot twist when you, somehow, find these? That would be my end.

I want to tell you that I love being here on tour with you all, it’s so incredible and fun. You all are amazing and I’m glad we got to meet, but it’s not always easy. You see… I love you, Liam. I love you in a very different way from how I love the other lads. When I see you my heart races, I feel my belly packed with butterflies and it seems like the whole world goes into slow motion when you walks towards me. I know this is very straight forward, but I’m doing what I can’t do in person.

Truth be told, I started to fall in love with you since the moment I saw you and you smiled at me, since you talked to me the first time and you made me laugh with a silly joke. Something inside of me changed the day we met. I used to listen to your music and I never thought I would feel like this for you. Honestly, I never thought I was going to meet you. But things happen, right?

So you see, we’re in this tour together, I get to see you all the time, we can hang out and that should be heaven for a girl in love, right? But it’s not because you have your special someone already, and that girl is not I. You have Danielle and I know you love her in that way I wish you would love me. But don’t worry! I won’t do anything to jeopardise your relationship. I love you, I would never do something that could hurt you. That’s why I’ll never tell you about my feelings, because I know you would feel bad about it. I rather you stay in blissful ignorance that treat me differently for what I feel for you. So it’s better off as a secret.

I won’t make anything to hurt you. Never. But I need to express what I feel, even if it’s just in a letter.

When I know you’re with her, hugging her tightly, kissing her the way I would kill to have you kissing me, I feel like I’m dying inside. Like every part of my body is being torn apart and I just want the torture to be over, but it never stops. Even when I’m sleeping, my heart aches. Alex says it’s because I feel to intently, but I can’t help it. I can’t ignore my own feelings when they consume me completely.

I wish things could be different, I wish I could tell I’m not in love with you anymore. I wish… oh how I wish you could look at me the same way I look at you, but I know you’re happy with Danielle and I guess that’s all I could ask for. For you to smile. At the end, when you smile at me with your eyes sparkling every time you talk about her, with that cute smile of yours, I don’t mind that it’s her who makes you happy instead of me. I just love that you are happy.

They say when you love someone you have to let them go, if they come back, it’s because they belong to you. What can you do when they never were yours? I can’t just let you go because you never were with me and you’ll never be. I just have to stay behind and see you fly away with someone else.

And that kills me.

You know… I’m crying right now so this paper looks hideous; stains all over the page, salty tears making the letters blurry. I’m sorry, I’m a mess.

I guess the moment I start hiccupping means I should stop writing and get a shower, just to breathe again. Even if it hurts, writing this took a lift off of my shoulders. Even if I know you’ll never read it, telling you all this helps.

In this precise moment, you’re with Danielle somewhere, having fun, while I’m here crying in my room. I’m pathetic, I know, but I can’t help it. The cons of being so sensitive, I guess.

Liam… I love you. I just wanted to say that. I love you and I know I can’t have you, but I’ content with your friendship and if keeping all this secret is what I have to do to have at least that, keeping this secret is all what I’ll do.

Despite all the tears and pain in my chest, I’m glad I got to meet you, I’m glad you’re part of my life now. I’m glad I love you, because even though it’s painful, it’s beautiful. So I guess I should say thank you, for making me feel all this.

You know, I love reading and I always wanted to feel like all these characters. I have dated a few guys, but I never felt like this with any of them. I have never been in love until now and I’m glad I fell for you and no one else. It’s a pity you can’t feel the same way towards me, but I got to know what all those characters talk about, and that’s very precious to me. So thank you, Liam.

Well, before I keep ruining the paper with my tears, I shall say goodbye. I’ll write you again soon, my dearest Liam.

Truly yours, Phoebe

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I hope you all liked it.  Thank you for reading, please let  me know what you think. I don't know when I'll update the next chapter. Hopefully, it will be soon. I just have to write it (:

Bel, xx