Letters To Liam (Liam Payne)

Third Letter: Danielle Is Here

Sorry it took me so long to write the third letter. Many things have been happening to me and I haven't had the time nor the mood to write. I'm sorry.

Bel, xx

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Third Letter: Danielle Is Here

Dearest Liam,

So your girlfriend is with us now and can you imagine the pain in my chest? One thing is to know about you two, other way too different is to see you two together. When you look at her, the way you smile at her, how you hold her in your arms, how your hand always find its way to her, how you’re somehow always conscious of where she is. All those things cut deeper than any dagger. And I can’t even hate her! Everything would be easier if I could, at least, dislike her; but I can’t. She is nice, she is sweet and she loves you. She always smiles back, she touches you with the same tenderness I wish I could, she kisses you how I want to kiss you. And she is nice to me, how can I have something against her? It’s not her fault that I’m not the girl for you and that I have these feelings.

And you two are always together! Alex is trying to help me, to keep my mind busy but it’s so hard. She even bought me so many books and they help, but somehow my mind always comes back to you. For instance, I was reading Delirium, that for some stupid reason I hadn’t bought yet, and I wished so bad to be able to go under this procedure so I would never fall in love again, so I would never go under this pain again. But then I finished the book and, again, I appreciated all this. It’s a painful experience, yes, but it’s beautiful at the same time. I can’t forget that.

But the tour is almost over. I can do this, right? Summer is almost over and after the tour ends, you will walk out of my life and I’ll be just a memory for you. In your busy life, I won’t be more than a girl you met during summer, the friend of your best mate’s girlfriend. And you’ll be the first boy I fell in love with, the one who was always kind to me but never returned my feelings. You’ll be the most beautiful yet painful memory of this summer.

It is kind of weird to think of what it comes for us after this tour. While we’re here it feels like another world, don’t you think? Well, maybe for you this is normal already, but I never imagined I would be hanging out with a worldwide boy band. It wasn’t in my bucket list but now I added it and scratched it. But still, after the tour is over I’ll go back to my normal and boring life. I’ll be in uni, studying hard to finish my major, hanging out with Alex and Belle… oh, that is gonna be awkward. Again, I’ll be the only one single. Belle and Dan have been together for so long but now Alex has Niall and… yeah, it’s gonna be awkward because every time I see him, I’ll know he is your friend, that he spends time with you, works with you. Niall will be the constant reminder that this whole adventure did indeed happen.

It won’t be easy to forget you.

But I will. I’m optimistic about it. Once my classes start again, I’ll focus only on that and everything will fade in the background. Summer will be just a season that passed, but many more will come. Autumn is at the corner, just waiting for me and as the leaves will fall from the trees, I’ll let my feelings for you go away.

I got really deep there, uh? I’m sorry, sometimes when I bottle up my feelings for too long, I let them out in every way I can and with metaphors is one way.

Can you believe that the tour ends in three days?  And you know, I’ve seen Alex pretty sad too. She doesn’t want to tell me why, but I see a longing when she looks at Niall, almost like when they weren’t together, which is really weird. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she always changes the subject. She is the only one now with whom I can talk about my feelings somehow so it’s not that hard for her to make me speak of how I’m feeling instead of confessing what’s wrong in her life.

Sometimes I wish I could be as tough as her, as strong. I wish I didn’t feel this way, I wish I didn’t have to tell what I feel to be okay. I wish I could just ignore what is happening to me and focus on other’s problems. How does Alex do that? She can ignore her own problems and feelings when her friends need her. She can put her own feelings last if that won’t make someone worry for her. We’ve always told her that she worries us more by remaining silent, but I’m sure we don’t always know when she is feeling poorly. And I wish I could be like that sometimes. I wish I could just smile and say “I’m fine, don’t worry”. But I can’t, they can always see through me.

I know you can see through me. I know you’re worried and I’m so sorry for not hiding this better, but I’m just not good at that. I know you know there’s something odd, but I can’t tell you. At least that I can do. I can’t make you feel bad for something you don’t have control over.

Three more days and this will be over for you. You won’t have to worry again and I’ll be fine. Someday, I’ll be fine. I can promise you that.

Oh, you’re coming to see if I’m okay… again. I better hide this.

Truly yours, Phoebe