ANYTHING BUT ENEMIES

34. a horrible realization

THREE DAYS.

That's how long I've spent in the daily company of Dane Anderson. It doesn't get much more surreal than this.

Sometime, somehow our conversations have transitioned from antagonistic to focused, and besides the occasional squabble about a certain character quirk or piece of description, everything's been coming along pretty solidly.

Besides the fact that I can't stop thinking about kissing him.

"I think you should change around the wording here—make it more vague." Dane's reading over some last-minute description I'd scribbled down before bed last night. "It'll make it sound more foreboding, you know?"

We're sitting in the lobby before workshop starts, and I'm curled into a ball on the armchair next to the sofa he's on. He's so close that I have the primal urge to lean into his neck, maybe lay my head on his shoulder to breathe in his cologne scent.

And it's grossing me the hell out.

Our fingers brush as he hands back the paper, and I can feel my heart rate spike, body grow warm. "Okay, yeah, I'll work on that."

"Great." He leans over a bit, intruding into my space, and I move back.

"What are you—?"

"Do you feel alright, Cleodora?" His hand comes up, cool back of his palm coming to rest against my forehead. "You're kind of warm." When he pulls his hand away, the glimmer of an evil grin flashes across his face. "And you're not bitching as much as usual."

"Hilarious."

"I thought so."

He pulls the rest of his body away then, the coolness of his palm ironically leaving my face flaming.

Thank god for my melanin.

"But seriously. You usually have more to say. What's up?"

"What, can I not just take in the advice offered to me at my own pace? Is that a crime now?"

"Okay." He raises an eyebrow at me, those goddamn hazel eyes scanning as if trying to find a malfunction. "No need to get worked up about it."

"I'll get worked up about it if I want to," is my response, heart threatening to beat out of my chest.

I feel like I might throw up.

Workshop passes like a ticking time bomb, seemingly lasting forever. Halfway through I excuse myself to go to the bathroom.

In the bathroom, my reflection looks back at me in the mirror. I stare her down, daring her to make a move. She doesn't flinch, but that does nothing to rest my nerves.

I can't stop thinking about the first day of workshop (since apparently the only thing on my traitorous mind is him). Messing with my eyelashes, Dane waiting outside to grill me like the stalker he is. Messy hair, scary smile, calculating eyes, sharp tongue, soft lips—

Goddammit.

Frustratedly, my hands rake through my hair, pulling apart some of the curls. This has got to stop. These urges—these feelings—that have been banging around my chest the past few days.

And all for what? For Dane?

Hah, I refuse to believe that.

I must be touch-starved, emotionally-deprived, if someone with the emotional repertoire of a toaster oven can make me feel things like this. Can make me wish his hands were on me and his mouth. Can make me feel this stupid, fucking thrill from an arguement.

I splash some water onto my face, desperate to get rid of some of the heat, completely forgetting about the fact that I'm wearing makeup. Then cursing up a storm as soon as I remember.

The door suddenly swings open, making me jump.

"Cleo?" Ruby's hair is done in two long braids down her shoulders, and she messes with the band on one as she stares at me. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine," I say, not missing the look she tosses my eyeliner-streaked face.

She walks over, turning the faucet off, and facing me. "What's going on? For real."

"Nothing's going on."

"You've been having a mental breakdown in here for the past fifteen minutes."

I press my lips together, grabbing a towel before patting at my face. "I'm not having a mental breakdown."

"You've been having a mental breakdown all day."

"Am not."

"Spill."

"Would it be totally messed up if I liked Dane?"

Ruby's eyes widen, a smirk immediately playing on her lips. "Oh, so that's what this is about."

"It's not...I don't...What even is liking someone? I'm sure this will go away soon. It's not like me and him—we're not..."

The smirk on her face grows even wider, and I toss her an accusatory glare. "This is stupid."

"Okay, let's take this as pros and cons."

"Pros and cons?"

"What are the pros of liking Dane?"

"Literally nothing."

"Come on, be serious."

I lean back against the sink next to Ruby, staring up at the ceiling as I try to come up with a good answer. "He's observant. Sometimes he's funny." I shudder at the admission, coming to a halt. "This is fucked up, Ruby."

"You've spent so long convincing yourself you hate him. Of course it's gonna feel weird. Come on."

"What about you? You don't like him either."

She shrugs. "He's cold...and kind of mean, but I don't think he's totally hopeless."

"He's so...difficult," I say. Difficult to read. Difficult to agree with. Difficult to talk to—

"Any more pros?"

"He's clever. Which honestly I'm not sure is a pro. But he pushes me to be a better writer, I think. I don't know."

"Okay, and what about cons?"

"He's judgemental. Half the time he's an asshole. We disagree on so many things. He's selfish and makes everything into a competition. And he's sarcastic about everything."

Ruby glances over at me, smiling slightly. "But do you like him?"

Do I like him?

Deep down inside of me I know the answer to that fucking question.

"Talk to him."

"I talk to him everyday."

"About this."

"No. Absolutely not. You don't talk to guys like him."

"Guys like him? What kind of guys would those be?"

"The ones that think the world's at their mercy."

Ruby snickers at that. "Are you scared?"

"No, Ruby I'm not scared. He just doesn't deserve me."

"Huh, is that it?"

"Yeah." I tap my foot, mary jane echoing throughout the bathroom.

"Well, there's no rush." She says calmly, "Just do what you feel you need to do when you're ready."

"There won't be a time when I'm ready."

And that's because I've already made up my mind.

He's gonna be the first to crack.

***

wow these past few days have been so chaotic how are y'all doing?

i hope good :)