Finn

Chapter Thirty-Two

Tears were streaming down my face as I finished rereading Turin's letter. I couldn't seem to process his words, no matter how many times I read over it. The thick paper was already splattered with several tears, and Cillian's t-shirt was soaked.

I wasn't really sure which part I was crying about. My chest ached at the fact that Turin left his home because of me, and the way I had been so unaware of his feelings for me. Reading his letter made me realize just how much I had missed him, and it me cry even harder when I thought about him out there all alone. I knew he could take care of himself, but wolves weren't meant to be solitary. Turin was away from all of his friends and his pack.

I sat on the floor for what felt like hours, reading the letter over and over again. I memorized every stroke and every word he used, wishing at some point I'd wake up and this would just be a terrible dream. Eventually, the pain in my legs from sitting on the hard wooden floor brought me back to reality.

I shifted onto my knees, finally tearing my eyes away from the paper as I moved to stand up. The boxes of Cillian's things were still scattered across the floor from my search for a book, and I don't bother trying to fix it. I stared down at the box where I'd found the letter, my tears slowly drying as I looked at it. I felt anger rising in my stomach as I began to accept the part of the letter that I wanted desperately to ignore. The part that upset me the most, and made me want to scream and yell.

Cillian knew the entire time, and kept it from me. He hid the letter Turin wrote me. He listened to me cry about him leaving. He watched me doubt myself and doubt the pack. He listened to my constant questioning if he knew anything. Cillian looked me in the eyes and promised no more secrets.

And then he lied to my face.

I felt a mangled sob escape from my throat. I stumbled away from the boxes and out of the office, my vision blurry as more tears fell. I was so, so angry at Cillian, but this time was different. The other times I'd been upset with him, a part of me knew we'd work it out. This time hurt so much more, because deep down I knew there wasn't a way to come back from this.

And as angry as I was at him, the idea of losing him made my heart split into pieces. I felt another sob escape as my stomach turned, bile rising in my throat. I rushed to the bathroom across the hall, barely making it as I heaved my cereal into the toilet.

I pulled myself off of the ground, avoiding my reflection as I put my hair in a bun. I still had Turin's letter clutched in my hand. I held it like a lifeline, as if it somehow connected me to him. But I knew it wasn't true. He was gone, and I had no way to find him.

Shaking my head, I folded the letter up and shoved it in my pocket. I washed my hands and face before brushing my teeth. I forced away anymore tears that threatened to fall. I couldn't be a crying mess right now. If Turin was out there, then I had to find him. I didn't know how or what I would say to him, but I couldn't stand the thought of him being out there on his own, thinking I just let him leave like that.

But first, I felt like I owed it to Cillian to give him a chance to explain why he kept this from me. As infuriating as he was, he had taken me in and kept me safe. He put his pack on the line to hide me from Howard. I had to believe he had some reason for lying to me.

And if he didn't, then he'll have to tell me to my face, and stop hiding behind secrets. If he had truly just kept this from me out of spite, then I knew I couldn't be with him. Whether or not he was my mate, I would never be able to trust him. And as much as I hated the idea of leaving the Lonn pack and leaving Rory, I couldn't stay with a man who would lie to me.

I somehow made it downstairs and into the kitchen without shedding anymore tears. I was shaking and couldn't sit still, but at least I had stopped crying. The clock on the microwave told me that I had, in fact, been sitting upstairs crying for hours. It was already almost dinner time, and my stomach was yelling at me to eat.