Our last summer as kids

Tracy

Dear diary, 

Idk if it's just me but you ever get this feeling of no matter how much you change, you'll never be good enough, you'll never be good enough for love or even good enough to make your own goals real.

I'm going through that right now. The high of getting better and working on myself is over and now I feel like I'm in this depressive slump. 

It's super weird, especially since a person can go from being the happiest in the world to doubting everything and feeling like no matter the amount of change will make them happy.

I'm trying to stay positive but it's really hard especially when the very people who saw or knew you as this loser of a person is still around. 

Max has been coming to Sweat Grill for the past week now and I really don't know what to do. I don't want to change where I eat and relax. This has become my place, my sanctuary but in a way, it's also became his. 

Max doesn't really talk; well, I also don't really try to entertain any conversation with him. Anytime we make eye contact he would try and start up conversation, but I would immediately shut it down, not wanting to hear anything Max has to say. 

Other than that, he just stays in his own world reading his book in the same seat that I'm at and with the occasional stares that I feel... I take that back he's strange. 

He even compliments me. He gets there earlier than I do, and he compliments the way I look, how I've styled my hair, the way I smell. It's super weird and I don't think I'm going to ever get used to it. 

His behavior makes me feel like I'm going to revert back to my old self, and I'm scared. Him coming to Sweat Grill and showering me with compliments makes me feel something and I hate it. I hate it so much. 

I wanted to change and it's like he won't let me, he's selfishly keeping me, wanting me to stay in this image that he's built for me. I know he's doing it on purpose, I'm not stupid, I know he's trying to make me feel some way. 

I hate how he's doing this. He doesn't get to pick and choose when he gets to come in and out of my life. 

Sometimes I think I may be overreacting, maybe it's all in my head but what if it's not. What if I'm not able to change, what if I go back to my old self, simping over a boy who won't give me as half as much love as I am willing to give him

ugh, no, no, no. I will not let it happen, nope not again. I said I was going to change and that's what I'm going to do. 

xoxo

Tracy