Honey, This Mirror Isn't Big Enough For The Two Of Us ~ Gerard Way

13 - I Don't Want Your Apologies

I walk home, an absolute physical and mental mess. I failed at killing myself. I failed just because the man I love decided to finally come back into my life. Oh, he also had the audacity to call me by an old nickname. He can't just expect me to forgive him, right?

Right then, my phone started to vibrate in my pocket. I took it out and the caller ID was 'Muffin☺️'. I never changed it and didn't ever feel like it. I sigh and answer it.

"What do you want with me?"

"I want to apologize, Y/n."

"I don't want your apologies. I'm fine on my own."

"You sure didn't seem like you were fine. Admit it, you're not okay."

"Why don't you get out of my life? You left almost a year ago. Why couldn't you just stay gone?"

"Well I'm sorry that I was just in the right place at the right time to help someone that is grieving."

"Guess what?!?! It's your fault that I am grieving! You left me for no reason!"

"Hey, uh, look, I'm sorry. I was stupid."

"Looks like you finally realized."

"Listen, I get that you're mad at me and still have this resentment towards me for what I did. Honestly, I would feel the same way if it were me and I-"

"If you would feel the same way, why did you leave? I clearly almost killed myself over you! Do you not realize how much of an influence you have on me?! Do you not understand that I still think about you every night before I sleep and every morning when I wake up? Do you not realize that you were the reason I felt that every day would be awesome just because you were in it?!?"

Silence was on the other end of the line.

"That's what I thought."

I hung up.

He called me back a few minutes later after I had went up to my room.

"What do you want now?"

"Obviously, you won't accept the apology, so will you at least allow me to explain why I did it?"

"Now's your chance. Take it or leave it. You have five minutes and I won't interrupt."

"I just wanted to say I'm so sorry, Y/n. I shouldn't have done what I did and I was stupid for it. Back then, I had met this woman named Lyn-Z. She intrigued me and I was stupid enough to, you know, do it. I regretted it as soon as she took her clothes off. Not because of her body or anything, she was beautiful, but it wasn't you. She wasn't like you. She didn't treat me the same way you did. Not that she treated me bad when I was with her, she treated me well, but she was just different. I didn't really click with her like I did with you. I felt so guilty and even hurt myself too. I starved myself and then threw up almost every meal just to make myself pay for my mistakes. I wanted to die too. I'm so sorry for what I did. I wouldn't ever blame you if you didn't take me back. I'm so disgusted with myself and what I did. I'm so, so sorry, Y/n."

He sniffled and I felt a little bit of sympathy. He really was genuinely sorry. I sighed. I know what my mind wants, but what my heart wants is totally different.

"Ugh, meet me at the old Waffle House tomorrow at 11 in the morning. Don't worry about money, I'm paying."

I hang up without another word. I roll over and try to get some sleep, but then my phone starts vibrating again. This time, it's Ray.

I forgot to delete the message.

I answer the call.

"Ray, can you come over? Please? I really need you right now, man."

"Yeah, do you want me to bring something?"

"What about the homemade ice cream and the pumpkin seeds?"

"Alright, I'll make sure to get it. I love you."

"I love you too, Ray"

He hangs up and walks through the door to my room after a good ten minutes. He immediately sets all of the stuff down on my desk and lays down beside me. He pulls me closer to his chest and strokes my hair.

"If you ever have a problem, you can always come to me. You understand?"

I nod into his chest.

"You shouldn't ever hurt yourself over anything, not even Gerard. It's never worth it. You're worth more than all of the diamonds in the sky, Y/n. I don't want to ever see you get hurt."

He tilts my chin up to make eye contact with him.

"Do you understand? You're worth it."

I have no idea where the impulse to do this came from, but we met in the middle and kissed. A kiss slow and sweet, but not the same. It was more of a comfort rather than a spark, and I was sure he felt the same as I did. He didn't feel that way about me and I returned that feeling. We talk for hours more until we finally both fall asleep.