049×035 oneshots

Lunchmeat

IN WHICH HAMM???? IS ALIVE???? And both 049 and 035 really like him.

A.N.: I'm bad at pranks. So... I guess you people get a guilty pleasure ship instead. Lucky ducks!

WARNINGS: Polyromance, Hamm/Doc/035, goofy aa nicknames, Silly old men, anal sex, tentacle sex, cum (Corrosive? facial), bad flirting, bad space puns, Dr. Hamm is delicate please be careful with this man, weird anatomy, past mentioned medical procedure.

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Dr. Raymond Hamm woke up to a gentle hand brushing against his shoulder. He made a soft, acknowledging sound, and rolled to face the looming, dark figure staring intensely down at him. Instinctively, there was a moment of fear, a moment where he didn't quite recall that all was well and that he was in no particular danger beyond, perhaps, an unintentional poke or two from that sharp beak "Morning," he greeted blearily.

"Good morning, Raymond," was the warm reply, the sound of his own name in that gentle, resonate murmur enough to send his heart ablaze. "You can sleep some more if you'd like... I was just wondering if you wanted me to start some coffee for you."

"You're a peach, Doc. Thank you," Hamm said, catching on quite swiftly to the confusion from the ancient bird-man looming above him, "The unsarcastic kind."

"Ah, I see. Thank you," the Doctor realized, thinking for a moment, "I would say you are some sort of nice, sweet fruit as well. Perhaps a ehm... a cantaloupe? Is that an acceptable thing to call someone?"

Dr.Hamm couldn't help but smile. How such a dangerous anomaly could be so damn adorable, he was sure he'd never know. "Sounds fine to me."

"So be it, then. I'll be just down the hall if you need me, alright?" The surgeon took a step back, prepared to head off.

"Hey, before you go-" 

That quiet one-man procession halted, returning to Hamm's side with some concern. "Yes?"

Raymond sat up, cupping the back of the Doctor's head and bringing him down a bit to kiss his beak. "Alright. Go do your thing. I'm goin' to get dressed."

 And yet, the Plague Doctor didn't leave quite yet, suddenly seeming flustered and a bit... shy as he gingerly brushed his fingers against the spot that had been kissed. A fascinating juxtaposition considering Dr.Hamm's ass was still aching like hell from the night before.

"Are you okay?" He wondered, still not quite sure as to how such an utterly filthy man could be made so near nonfunctioning with a simple peck on the beak.

"I... Yes. I'm alright. I wasn't expecting that, is all... Might I have one more for the road?"

"Hm...." Raymond feigned hesitance quite unconvincingly, already subconsciously tilting his head back and to the side a bit to the Doctor could get that kiss more easily. "I guess.... but only because you're pretty."

"I- Oh- Go ice your tea, American man!" the surgeon huffed, apparently unable to think up a more witty response as he went in for a far more prolonged kiss, his tongue slipping past the former researcher's lips and claiming Hamm's mouth as his own so thoroughly that it had Raymond panting when it was over. The Doctor finally pulled back, lips still barely parted a breath away to such a point that a mere tilt of the head had them brushing against silvery stubble "... I love you very much."

He still wasn't used to hearing that. After a lifetime of having accepted that he would be forever a bachelor, there simply wasn't room for it. Now, though... now that he heard such honeyed words whispered like a secret in the surgeon's gentle tone... it warmed his throat and set his heart ablaze, the foreign words melting him from the inside out better than the possessive mask EVER could now that Dr. Hamm had been Cured. "I love you too, ducky," he said softly, the outdated petname earning a smile from the Plague Doctor as he finally turned and walked swiftly out of the bedroom as though the coffee machine was late for a vital surgery.