afflicted

37

Seeing Azriel and Callie knelt on the grass clinging to each other, Nesta stood wearily in the doorway, tears brimming in her eyes as she shook her head and fought back her emotions. It was so unlike Nesta to show so much vulnerability. But when she looked at Cassian now, it poured out of an overflowing cup. Her pain was raw and real and visible for everyone to see.

Cassian was up the steps and in front of her before he could even take a breath, pulling her to his chest in a crushing embrace, his palm nearly the size of her head as he held her to his body. Nesta's cries were audible and full of pain that seemed to never run dry. Her knees gave out but Cassian held her up and close to him.

"You fucking asshole," Nesta said, her body shaking as she buried her face in his chest. She'd never expected to see him again and hadn't allowed herself to hope. "I'm so mad at you."

Cass rubbed the hand that wasn't holding her head up and down her back, tears falling from his own eyes and making his voice thick with emotion as he whispered into her hair, "I know, Nes. I know."

"You said you'd never leave me," Nesta sniveled against his shirt. "You said- oh god, you said I would never lose you. I thought you were dead and that only made me want to join you. I'd follow you into death, remember? I th- I thought you were gone."

"I'm so sorry," Cass murmured to her. "I'm here, Nes. And I'm never leaving you ever again."

"You broke my heart," she wailed. "I'm so, so mad at you. I'd forgotten how to live without you."

"I'm here," he reassured, rubbing her back softly and kissing the top of her head as she continued to cry into his broad chest, her tears and mascara staining his shirt, but he couldn't possibly care any less. 

"I need you, you can't-" she sucked in air as though she hadn't been breathing, "you c-can't leave me." She pulled back, roughly wiping her hands under her eyes and smudging the black watery remnants of her mascara across her ruddy cheeks.

"Oh my god," she said, eyes bulging as if this was the first moment she'd actually looked at him. "Oh my god. Cassian, oh my god. What did she do?" Nesta's voice was barely more than a squeak between her sobs as she looked at where her mate's wings had once sprouted from his back.

"It'll be okay, I'll be okay," he said gently, like he was forcing himself to be strong for everyone else, just as he always had. "It hurts, but a bit less every day." Nesta wore pain like a mask, twisting her features like there was an iron fist squeezing at her heart.

Nesta hadn't even noticed Vera and Elain peeking out of the door, curious as to what was happening. Vera looked at the way Azriel held Callie in his arms with an immense, yet heavy, appreciation. She had tears of her own welling but was too proud to ever let them fall. Not here. Not with these people. She needed to see Callie alone.

"Let's give them space for a moment, yeah?" Rhysand said, walking past Cassian and Nesta still holding each other on the front porch, moving to shoo Elain and Vera back inside. Vera looked at Rhys like she wanted to strangle him.

"Rhys," Nesta called out after him. He stopped in the doorway, looking back over his shoulder hesitantly. He looked like he'd taken quite the emotional beating.

"We're even now," she said softly between sniffles. "Thank you."

He nodded once and disappeared inside. It took him until he reached the door to his bedroom to understand what Nesta had meant. She'd saved his mate's life during childbirth, and now Rhysand had returned the favor. They were even.

Back outside, Callie finally stood up off Azriel's lap, holding both of her hands down to him to help him up. He took her hands but never put any weight in them, standing on his own. He looked down at her with tearstained cheeks and bloodshot eyes and she was for a moment back in their old bedroom at the House and Azriel was begging her to let him save her. She blinked, brows furrowing.

She- She'd remembered that just now. Nothing else, but at least she had one memory of him, however painful it may be. She closed her eyes and tried to extend the memory, but there was nothing else there. She tried not to be frustrated with herself. Perhaps with time and rest she would be able to heal her mind and regain some of what was lost. It was highly unlikely that she'd ever remember it all, but that one small kernel of hope lit her up inside in a way she couldn't ever remember feeling.

The corner of Az's mouth quirked with the ghost of a smile.

"I see the wheels turning in here," he said, tapping his fingers gently at her temples. "Care to share?" Callie choked out a laugh, not expecting him to be so- well, him.

"I remember you begging me to let you take me somewhere safe," she said, and any semblance of a smile dropped from his face. It made Callie's heart ache. She wanted- needed- to make it better somehow. "I'm remembering you." She gave him a soft smile and he tugged her close, placing his arm around her shoulders as they started to walk towards the house.

"I'm scared that if I'm not touching you, you'll disappear," Az said quietly, only loud enough for the two of them to hear. She laced her fingers through his hand that dangled at her shoulder.

"Not again. Never again," she said, nuzzling into his side. "You'll have to kill me yourself if you want me to ever leave your side now." Az scoffed, and for a moment Callie caught a peek of the dimples in his cheeks. She'd missed those. She'd missed everything. She didn't plan to ever let go again. 

Vera waited eagerly just inside the door, looking ready to pull Callie away from Azriel. The older woman who was with her sat at the kitchen table, watching her with the saddest eyes Callie had ever seen. The dark-haired woman sat beside her and stared down at the table as if she wasn't even there. Rhysand was gone and the rest of them were sat on various pieces of furniture in the living room of the house. 

So many faces Callie knew she loved but couldn't recall. So many hearts to mend and apologies to be said. It felt heavy, but hopeful. Callie refused to let the small spark of hope she'd found disintegrate so fast.

"So would now be a bad time to remind everyone that we still have to kill that purple bitch?" Eris said from where he stood next to Vera, and Vera glared at him, smacking his arm. Eris grabbed where she'd hit with mock pain. 

"For the last time, her name isn't Mauve, you fucking asshat," Mor growled from where she sat on the couch between a silent Amren and a terrified Elain. Callie snorted, and after a moment of deafening silence, the rest of them laughed, too.