(OLD VER.) When Mermen Run From Their Demons

back where we started

This is the last chapter I wrote for this version of the story, I never finished it but figured I might as well publish it

Tape #21 - back where we started

Caleb

When we made our way back, I kept having to remind myself of why I had to go back. For Kylie and Sofi. For Jili. I have to protect them. I hate my life as it is, and if something were to happen to them, I'd end it all myself and leave Trevor alone. I can't have that.

     So I sucked it up and got my shit together. Trevor and I will have to figure out how to protect ourselves, and we're relatively defenseless hiding out in a motel. If they found out our whereabouts, we'd be fucked. So off to Camelot we went.

     I've come to realize that this all isn't even about protecting the world anymore. I used to withhold my trident because I didn't want the demons invading, to cause suffering and destruction. Now, it's about pride. About not wanting them to win, not wanting them to defeat Trevor and I. Maybe I'm just numb. Trying to make myself feel better of the death of hundreds or thousands. About how much more lives may be lost by my hands.

    Whatever, I'm far too busy with surviving to do all this shadow work.

    But if I'm going to be hunted, I might as well have a nice bed to sleep in. In hindsight, it would have been easier if Trevor and I made it back discreetly instead of in the morning, but it was too late now and we were already going through the portals.

     As we passed people, they obviously stared. But we ignored their various attempts at interaction and Trevor flew us to my dorm where we got inside and locked all the doors. We unpacked our stuff and we both had some sort of silent agreement that Trevor would be staying with me now. Where the ocean was nearby and we could escape into at any given moment.

     I had told Kylie and Sofi about our arrival and they said they'd be in the dorm in the afternoon as soon as they were done with some lectures. We had a lot of schoolwork to do, we were both failing all our classes now. Maybe if we explained the situation to the teachers and the headmistress, they'd give us some leniency.

     Of course, we should have gone to them as soon as we found out about the danger, but at the time I didn't want any one else involved. For fear of their own lives. But now it seems to be in our best interest.

The sound of Trevor tossing his bags next to the couch took me out of my thoughts. I wonder where we stand right now, him and I.

     The emotions, the feelings, and the desperation for any sort of touch were running high the past week. We could easily not have ever been in love. Whatever connection we'd formed may very well be severed now that we're back at Camelot.

     I feel a pang of hurt, at the idea. But I know it wouldn't be fair of me to hold Trevor to anything we did when it was only us in the cold, lonely, dark motel room.

     But before I question how Trevor feels, how do I feel?

     My brain frantically searched for a new topic.

     "You're fine with sleeping on the couch?"

     "Yeah. Where the fuck else would I sleep?" He asks in response, I shrug. I wanted to invite him to my own bed, I wanted to tell him to kiss me and to let me lay down on his lap on the couch until Jili or Kylie or Sofi knocked on the door. But I couldn't. The words never seemed to make it past my lips.

What is wrong with me?

Now that the small break I had from my responsibilities and my life is over, the idea of loving him and staying with him and being committed to him scares me a lot.

Now I'm wondering what people would think even though if you'd asked me that last night I'd say "Fuck people!"

Now I feel the need to put on the mask that I had to put on everyday in my kingdom and in Camelot. It's this moment that I realize that really only my family and Trevor have seen the real me. Not the perfect version of me that everyone else sees.

It's upon this realization that I know, I know that I truly am in love with this man. But is the love I feel for him enough?

And is Trevor fighting a similar battle that I am? I'm not sure. I've always been used to the façade that I put on for everyone to see, I've always been used to hiding the real me. So much as though that I forgot who the real me even is. Trevor never seemed to have cared about what anybody thought of him, except maybe me, maybe now.

Maybe I should just shut my mind off and throw myself into his arms and kiss him. Because all this internal dialogue must look awkward from his perspective. I'm just standing here staring at nothing.

But what if he rejects me? I don't think I'd have the heart to sing my siren song for him. I want his feelings for me, whatever they are, to be real.

But that's the thing about sirens, isn't it? You never know if whatever they feel for you is real. You never know if they love you, or if they think they love you. It's why half the time you try to make friends just to lose them later. Because hate is distrust are the only feelings from them that you can trust.

It's why I did half the things I did, and said half the things I said to people.

"Trevor, will you kiss me?" My voice sounded overly formal, but that's better than the words never being said at all.

He looked shocked at what I said. Whether it was the way I said it or the fact that I said it, I don't know. To his credit, he only hesitated once before he strode on over to me and slowly raised his hand to the back of my neck. And he was even slower as he leaned in. I guess giving me enough time to shove him away in case I decided I didn't want his lips anywhere near me.

Then I felt his breath on my lips, and we both closed our eyes as his lips connected with mine. It was light at first, as if we were both playing a game of chicken and we were waiting for the other to finally back off.

Then we kissed again, and again, until some sort of desperation crept into our bodies and suddenly neither of us could pull away. He wrapped both arms around me and held onto me tight and I tugged on his hair with my hands until I managed to pull his head back and I kissed his exposed neck.

It was at that moment that I calmed down and pulled back, but not nearly satisfied. But that was enough for now.

Well, at least it was decided. He's probably sleeping in my bed tonight.