All the Colors of Earth (Natasha Romanoff)

2.6

Natasha

July 2, 2014

I stare at the rubble of the Paris house and what's left of the Daxomite ship, praying that she wasn't buried somewhere in there. I don't think I'd survive finding her body.

I mentally curse myself for not checking on her sooner. Tony had roped me into one of his science experiments and I'd been late checking in. When I'd finally logged into the satellite, I'd almost forgotten how to breath.

The Paris house was in ruins and Marz, my Marz, was running for her life.

I didn't even hesitate before hacking into Tony's old weapons program and arming a missile. I didn't care about getting caught, I only cared about her. I hit launch just as she went flying through the air.

Pure terror filled me as I watch her just lay there. Why wasn't she moving? "Get up," I whispered at the screen.

But she didn't.

She just laid there, looking exhausted. And then she'd whispered something, and it looked like my name before closing her eyes. The missile had struck just as the Daxomites were about to shoot at her and a ball of fire had filled the screen.

When it had finally died down, the ship was gone and so was Marzda.

I looked everywhere with that damn satellite before I'd finally called the team and told them there'd been a Daxomite attack in Paris. They hadn't asked how I knew, and when we landed, they didn't say anything about the way I'd run off the ship and gone to the spot where I'd last seen Marz laying.

Each step seemed like an eternity until I'd finally gotten to the tree. It was nothing more then a charred stump now, but that's all that was there.

No blood, no bones, not even any fabric from her clothes.

My relief was short lived as I noticed drag marks in the ground. Large footprints next to long scuffs in the earth. Someone or something had dragged her off.

I followed them as long as I could, but the disappeared into the still fiery remains of the house.

Don't be dead.
Don't be dead.

I chant to myself as the cleanup team starts to put out the fires.

You killed her, the voice tells me. You sent the missile.

"I was trying to save her," I mutter back.

Save? You don't save people, Natalia. You get them killed. And now, thanks to your recklessness, your supposed team knows what you've done. I thought we trained you better than that.

"I was scared," I admit.

Scared? Like a little child? You let your emotions get the better of you. Your terror probably leaked through your Bond and that's what made her freeze. Your terror got her killed.

"You're wrong," I whisper to the ruins. But.. was it wrong? I had watched her freeze at the exact moment my fear had taken hold of me.

Am I?

"You're wrong," I tell it, my voice coming out louder then I'd intended.

"Who's wrong?" Steve asks from behind me.

I breath deeply before turning to him, "this," I wave my hands around us. "This is all wrong. She never should have been here, she should have been with us, with me, where she was safe!" My anger flares up, surprising the both of us. "And if she's dead it's my fault."

"Because you sent the missile?" He asks gently.

I don't even ask how he knows. It's not like I tried to cover my tracks. "Because of a lot of things, Steve. I was a coward. I never should have let you bring that thing back to the compound. None of this would have happened if we hadn't tried to turn her over."

"You're a lot of things Nat, but you're not a coward," he says. "You did what you thought was right. We all did. Was it the right thing for everyone? No. But it was the right thing for the world and everyone on it."

"She is my world Steve," I tell him. "Is, not was. And I can't do this."

"Do what?" He asks uncertainly.

I give him a small sad smile, "this. I can't help you hunt her down if you're just going to turn her over to the Daxomites. I won't betray her again."

He shift uncomfortably, "so what are my options here Nat?"

I sigh, "there's only two, really. The first, I come back with you guys and find her on my own while you and everybody else either stay out of my way or helps me. But if you help me, it's to bring her home, not to turn her in. And when I find her first, you will not stop me from going to her. You will not try and find us, or to capture us. You will leave us alone to live our lives."

"And the second?"

"I leave," I tell him firmly. "I leave right now and find her on my own."

Steve shakes his head, "you have everyone in the world hunting you."

I chuckle slightly, "then it'll be like old times."

"Are those really my only options?" He asks.

"Yeah, they are."

His jaw clenches as he steps towards me. "Well," he says slowly. "Let's go get your girl and bring her home."