HALF HER DEEN

16.

Hassan's Pov

Sitting by the window, I found my thoughts consumed by the growing distance between Halimah and I. That I caused. I feel like a jerk. But I'm genuinely convinced that this is for the best.

Halimah had gone out with her cousin but was first going to visit her parents and asked me to come with but I made up some excuse about having a headache to avoid seeing her parents in my current mental state. I'm already doing everything I can to not let halimah sense how sad I am. I couldn't possibly do the same with extra pairs of eyes on me.

These past days, I've been in a major slump. I have no motivation to get up and socialise. Halimah is certainly getting the brunt of it all. I just want this episode to pass so i can start acting normal again. I hope she hasn't given up on me yet. I wouldn't blame her if she did. But i would be totally shattered if she did and there's no telling if I will be able to get back up again after that.

I can see the hurt on her these past days of the honeymoon i totally  destroyed. But I'd rather she thinks I'm too busy than her finding out how messed up I am in the head. She doesn't need to find out. She can't. Shielding her from my internal battles is the right choice. This isolation would spare her from the burden of my depression.

While we were still in France , I would say I had meetings to attend while really I would just go to the other room i booked and wallow in self pity about why I wasn't normal. It's pathetic but I physically couldn't do much with all these depressing thoughts weighing heavily on my shoulders.

The weight on my shoulders grows heavier each day, a silent struggle that exhausts me. The sadness lingers, like a shadow refusing to fade. I'm tired – tired of wearing a mask, tired of pretending everything is fine. Keeping it hidden from Halimah feels like a never-ending battle, a constant act to shield her from the storm within me. It's hard to carry this burden alone, but I fear revealing it would only darken her world, and I can't bear to be the cause of her pain.

I broke out of my thoughts when I heard my phone vibrate on the table beside the chair i was sitting on, I picked it up and saw it was my father calling me. I took a deep breath before picking up the phone.

"Assalamu alaikum Dad"

"Assalamu alaikum Hassan my boy, How are you? How was your honeymoon? I saw Halimah next door and she said you weren't feeling well, and-"

"Im currently in one of my episodes dad" I never could hide things from the old man. He's my best friend honestly.

There was silence on the line for a few moments then he responded, "Have you been taking your drugs Hassan?"

I hesitated as i tried to find the words to explain myself but he spoke again frantically, " You stopped taking them again? Hassan we have been through this. They help you better manage your emotions!"

"I can't risk her seeing my prescription bottle dad" I replied quietly.

Normally when I had my episodes, it would last for almost two weeks while I was on medication but I couldn't risk Halimah finding my anti depressants bottle lying down somewhere so i would hardly take them out of their hiding place. So no, I haven't been taking them as I should.

"She already knows anyways so why-"
He seemed to come to the realisation as he mutters to himself.

"You haven't told her?" He asked in a disappointed tone after another silence.

I start to shake my head but realise he obviously can't see me.

"No"

"Hassan. You can't carry this burden alone. Halimah loves you, she deserves to know. Hiding your pain won't protect her, it only widens the distance between you both further."