HALF HER DEEN

21.

With a gentle nudge, I closed the door using my hip, balancing two cups of steaming coffee – one for Hassan and one for me. Making my way to Hassan's side of the bed, I carefully set the cups down, glancing over at him cocooned beneath the gray blankets.

I reached out, my hand landing on the top of the blanket. Slowly, I pulled it down to avoid startling him. Hassan's closed eyes opened and met mine after I planted a soft peck on his cheek.

"Coffee?" I asked, gesturing towards the cups. Following my gaze, Hassan noticed them on the bedside table. Mine contained milk, while his was black, no sugar. He quietly declined.

His beautiful green eyes, usually sparkling with life and warmth, now seemed dimmed and clouded. The lively glint that mirrored his spirit had dulled.

After nearly a month of bliss, Hassan was grappling with another depressive episode. This morning, after an unusually prolonged sujood, his silence and unresponsiveness hinted at what was to come. He had let me know he wasn't feeling the best mentally before going back to bed, and though it eased my worry that I wasn't in the dark about things, the feeling of helplessness still lingered. I just had to continue praying and watching over him.

Watching him, the man I loved, deal with this emotional storm, left me with an ache in my chest. I yearned to remove the sadness that dulled his spirit, to restore the spark that usually danced in his eyes. I felt a bit lost as I stared at the now useless cups of coffee because I didn't want to drink mine if he wasn't gonna drink his.

"Can you-" Hassan started but cut himself off with a heavy sigh as he rubbed down his face.

"Yes" I urged, eager to assist him in any way.

"Can you hold me please" He asked in a small voice, his face turning pink. He angled his face downwards and was playing with his fingers.

My baby.

My heart swelled. Without a word, I shifted closer, leaning against the headboard, arms open in invitation. A small smile played on his lips as he nestled against my chest, his arms wrapping tightly around me. I stroked his back with one hand, the other running through his hair.

I started reciting our favorite surah. Surah Ar-Rahman is a beautiful chapter in the Quran often called "The Most Merciful." It highlights the countless blessings from the Creator and encourages gratitude. The repeated question, "Which of the favors of your Lord would you deny?" makes you take a step back and reflect on the many gifts around us that we often take from granted.

'He released the two seas, meeting [one another]; Between them is a barrier so neither of them transgresses. So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny? From both of them emerge pearl and coral. So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny?' (55:19-23)

The Surah describes the wonders of the natural world, urging people to appreciate the beauty and design in everything. It emphasizes Allah's mercy in creation, sustenance, and guidance. The rhythmic verses create a soothing melody, making it a source of peace for us.

Every few minutes Hassan would snuggle himself closer to me as if there was any space between us with the way we were pressed against each-other.

"Hassan," I began tentatively, "what do you want for lunch?" My voice carried a softness, a careful tiptoeing around the fragility of his emotions whilst continuing the soft caress of his head.

The reply came, almost a whisper, "I don't feel hungry, babe."

"But you have to eat before you take your afternoon medications" I insisted patiently.