Waiting For August

Part 43 ~ Probably, maybe and most very likely

It was now Friday, mid morning and I was sitting in my car, engine idling, at the end of Caleb's driveway, feeling rather stalkerish. I'd had no other choice. A day later, Caleb still hadn't contacted me and what I needed to say, couldn't be done over the phone.

Yesterday, I'd kept my phone on me all day, like an insecure lover praying that he might text. He had said he needed time to think, and I didn't want to pressure him. I wanted to give him the space he needed to work things out in the same way he had let me come to terms with things after finding the damn basket; but I also didn't want to go too long without reaching out to him either. So, when I was getting ready for bed and I still hadn't heard from him, I decided to drop him a quick text. Just three little words: We should talk.

I'd come to fear that maybe he had reached his breaking point. Perhaps it had been in the way Caleb couldn't meet my eye, as if facing me would be too painful for him to bear. Or the way in which his voice had dropped in volume, as if he were quietly surrendering and accepting defeat. Whichever it was, a feeling of helplessness had taken root in the pit of my stomach, and as I started to worry that Caleb might not want to see me again, that feeling grew.

It made sleep impossible. Even with the clean, fresh smelling bedding. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could picture was Caleb and the look on his face before he'd left.

Lying awake through the night, it forced me to come to terms with all that had happened over these last few weeks, and how I truly felt about things. Now, after a long night of contemplation, I'd come to the terrifying conclusion that the way I felt about him, meant that I was probably, maybe, and most very likely, in love with Caleb; and after panicking and freaking out for a bit, I eventually decided that it was about time that I properly faced that fact and perhaps, maybe, if I could find the nerve, even tell him. I just hoped it wasn't too late.

That had brought me here. Car idling as I searched for the courage to turn off the ignition. I had struggled trying to decide on the right time to drop by. Too early, and I interrupted morning chores—where I envisioned myself trailing frantically behind him trying to have a conversation while he attempted to avoid me. If I arrived too late, he would have children to tend to, and I couldn't foresee addressing the things we needed to talk about with little ears about.

I looked at the small travel bag on the seat beside me. I'd found it sitting on the counter in the little bathroom just inside the doorway of my hotel suite. I never used that room, and probably wouldn't have found it if I hadn't gone looking. Caleb must have brought it with him that night and left it after he stopped in to use the bathroom. It was the only explanation that made sense.

Reaching out, I pressed the button to turn off the ignition. I'd easily been sitting here for ten minutes now, and I needed to either put the car back in gear and leave; or get my ass in gear and get out of the car.

I finally decided on the latter. I couldn't put it off any longer, but the idea of telling Caleb how I really felt left me quaking. I suppose it was the fear of him not feeling the same way. Of him rejecting me. I'd never been in love before, which meant I'd never had to put my heart on the line like this. I'd also be asking him to commit to a same-sex relationship, something I'm pretty sure he'd never considered before meeting me.

Grabbing the bag, I stepped out of the vehicle. Now that I had his overnight bag, it gave me the opportunity to play it by ear. If my wolf decided that things were too far gone between us, then we could make our peace, drop off the bag and leave. At the very least, I wanted to apologize for what happened with Hannah. He deserved that much. I needed to tell him that nothing had happened between us.

I headed up the driveway, keeping a lookout for him as I went. It seemed that I was in luck. As I reached the house, only Caleb's truck was parked in the laneway. If he was alone, then maybe we could sit and talk and work things out. It gave me hope.