⌞ always the angel, never a god ⌝

⌞ thirty-one : one...⌝

"Don't you ever say a single thing about how I'm choosing to live my life. Like he wanted me to!" 

_

Seb was making me eat. I hadn't eaten anything since the dinner before the race and apparently, that was too long without food. Lewis couldn't get me to, Nico was too scared to try, Dani was... Dani was just as bad as I was, Kimi didn't care enough to force me, and Jenson had already tried with no success. Seb was trying but I wanted to fight him on it. I couldn't eat. I couldn't do anything until Jules woke up. 

"Schatz, you have to eat something, please. Just two bites." 

I shook my head, even looking at the food made me feel sick. At this point, everything made me sick. 

Seb sighed. "Please." 

"Why?" 

"Because you need to eat something. You cannot just sit here and wither." 

I shook my head. "I don't want to." 

"He's going to wake up, schatz." 

He took my hand and rubbed his thumb over my knuckles. I didn't really believe him, though. I might have fallen asleep at some point, but I couldn't stay asleep. Doctors talked to Father saying that the chances were low. There was nothing that showed he was getting better, if anything, it was worse. 

I looked over to where he was lying and that feeling was back. Something in me broke and I started to cry again. Seb was out of his chair and picked me up, setting us both back into my chair. I felt like a child, again. Sitting here, crying in Seb's lap. He had known me for little under a year and yet, he had offered me more comfort than my own father. 

"What is it, my love?" 

"He's not going to wake up." 

"Why do you say that?" 

"I can feel it. It was the same feeling I had before the crash. Seb, he's not going to wake up." 

He went quiet because he knew that you couldn't argue it. Jules had the feeling too, that morning when he was sitting on the balcony. He knew. And I did too. 

_

"Jules!" 

He ran into my room, looking around like something had happened. We had just made it back to his flat after the flight. He saw me sitting on the floor and raised an eyebrow. 

"What? What is it?" 

"I can't find my shark!" 

"Your shark... the stuffed one?" 

I nodded, trying to hold back my tears. He picked me up, slinging me around so I could sit on his shoulders. I wrapped my arms around his neck, making sure I didn't fall as he held my ankles. 

"Well, can you see it from up there?" 

I looked around and my anxiety heightened with each look that I didn't see it. I really hoped that I hadn't left it back home. I didn't trust Charlie not to take it or for Arty to mess with it. But one more look and I saw it. 

"There!" 

Jules took me off his shoulders and I ran over to the chair, pulling the stuffie out from behind it. The tears I had been trying to hold back were gone as I held the stuffed animal. Jules leaned down and kissed my forehead. 

"Come on, let's go watch that movie." 

_

I took a shaky breath as Seb ran his fingers through my hair. It was calming, keeping me from truly losing what little stability I had left. I had to stay strong. I might be the only person that knew what was going to happen and when it did happen, it would break everyone. I needed to be there for Arty, at least. Charlie had chosen his side and Lore was old enough to handle himself. But my little Art, needed to have someone he could run to. 

I heard the door open and I looked up to see Lewis. He raised an eyebrow at me and I just nodded. He came in, pulling up the other chair to sit next to us. 

"How are you, darling?" 

"Just waiting." 

"For what?" 

I looked over to Jules and then back to Lewis. "For it to all be over." 

"It might take him longer than three days to wake up." 

I shook my head. "Non, I love him. But he's not waking up." 

"Lu-" 

"Lewis, he's not waking up." 

Lewis sighed and nodded. "A feeling?" 

I nodded and he sighed again. "Do you want some time alone?" 

"Actually, yes." 

He nodded and got up. I tried to get off Seb's lap without kneeing him, letting him stand. He ruffled my hair as he walked out of the room. Lewis waited for him to be gone before pulling me into a hug. I hugged him back, taking whatever I could to build the strength I needed for this. He kissed the top of my head before pulling back. 

"I'll be outside for whenever you're finished." 

I nodded and watched as he closed the door. I took the seat I had been sitting in for the past three days and pulled it to the edge of the bed. I just stood there for a second, looking at the man who had made this life just a little less terrible, smiling when I saw that he was still wearing my bracelets. All the little things I had given him, somewhere on him. 

I chuckled as I took my seat. "You know, I knew that you would die before me. You're older and no father wants to see his kid die. But this.. Ju, this feels worse than what I had planned for." 

I took his hand, surprised at how warm it still was. Tears started to roll down my face and I had to take a second to find my voice, not wanting it to break. 

"I should have listened to you more about the feeling. And you should have realized that something was going to go wrong this weekend. You shouldn't have raced in the rain, the FIA should have called the race. So many things that could have stopped this and I'm sorry that no one saved you." 

A sob broke my voice and I took my free hand to wipe away my tears, forcing myself to take a breath. 

"I know you wouldn't leave me unless you had no other choice, so I hold no anger to what is going to happen. And I promise that I'll try to be everything that you saw in me. I-I don't know if that will be racing, I don't know what it will be, but I promise you that I'll try. If nothing else, I'll try." 

I felt his hand twitch and I looked down at it, seeing that it was very lightly holding mine back and the tears started again. I kissed the top of his hand, just holding it against my chest for a second. 

"Je t'aime, Juju. I'll make sure to find you in everything I do and again in the next life." 

I felt the strength in his hand fade, and I started to cry, just holding his hand against my chest. I couldn't let him go but there was no more to him. Every smile, every laugh, every summer and Christmas and birthday ran through my mind as I heard the flatline. Doctors ran in, nurses too but there was nothing they could do anymore. 

Lewis came in, placing a hand on my shoulder. I let go of Jules's hand and turned around to hug him, doing nothing but crying. Nico came in after and joined in, holding both Lewis and I. I could see Charlie through the two of them, staring as if he had lost the sun. Arty was behind him, clinging onto him for any sort of stability. Lore looked as cold as ever, mimicking Father. Mother was lightly crying. And everyone else just watched. 

That was it. The end of a life I had known. My Jules, gone.

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a/n: there are tissues for everyone, take as many as you need. i was crying while writing this and goddamn, tears on my computer. i hope you all don't hate me after this and i'm going to be real, this isn't the end for all the angst, so uhm. everyone cue up the exit and family line by conan gray because it's still downhill from here. as always, love it or don't :p