⌞ always the angel, never a god ⌝

⌞ chapter thirty-nine : lessons in grief ⌝

" Enjoy it and wear it with pride. You're going to carry on. "

_

I woke up from my spot on the floor. My entire back was aching and I had the worst headache known to man. The sun was coming through the windows and I wanted to close the curtains. But moving felt like a pain. Everything hurt and I wondered what had happened, what day it was, what anything was. 

My phone started to ring and I groaned, reaching around for it until I found it. I clicked answer and cleared my throat. 

"Hello?" 

"Lu! Hi love, it's Nico. We're driving over to the flat now. We'll be there in like ten minutes!" 

I sat up, blinking away the circles that dotted my vision. "Oh, right. Yes. I'll see you then." 

"Perfect, love you kiddo!" 

I hung up the phone and threw it onto the bed, trying to find my glasses. They were to my right and I slid them on, hoping it would help take away the dizzy spell. It didn't do much but I didn't have the time. Rushing to the bathroom, I ripped the towels off the mirror. Fuck, I looked awful. I grabbed the brush from the counter and combed out my hair, putting it back in a clip. I followed by washing my face and teeth, not remembering the last time I did that. 

After finishing in the bathroom, I started to clean up everything else. The rush helped me, not stopping to realize where I was in the house. Pushing boxes into rooms so they would think I unpacked, threw trash into the can and dragged the bags to the shute. Once I made it to the kitchen, I saw the crest and I finally started to slow down. 

How could I wear that? It had been Jules's for so long and yes, I had always wanted it. But not like this. I had wanted it when I had won my first race, as the deal we made. I wanted it when he finally gave in to my begging. Sighing, I picked it up and took it to the closest mirror. My hands shook as I put it on, fumbling with the clasp for longer than I wanted. But it rested exactly where I had wanted it, right in between my collarbones. He always knew. 

I chuckled and sighed, turning away from the mirror. Time to pretend.

___

"There she is!" 

I chuckled as Nico crushed me into a hug. My arms wrapped around him, just holding loosely. His hug made it hard to breathe but I wasn't going to be rude. He had missed me, and I could deal with a hug. 

"Hi." 

He let go, holding me an arm's length away to look at me. I tried to stay standing tall, not wanting to be looked over like there was something wrong with me. I had tried as hard as I could to cover up the past few weeks. 

"Nico, stop hovering." 

Lewis's lighthearted joke gave me the second to breathe. Nico let go of me, rolling his eyes and sticking his tongue out at Lewis. 

"I just want to make sure my girl is all taken care of. She's an adult now!"

"I'm seventeen, I'm not an adult." 

"You're living on your own, you're an adult." 

I shrugged, moving to sit on one of the living room chairs. My body was weak and I didn't want to start shaking. Sitting made it seem like I was comfortable in the flat, even if the idea made my skin crawl. 

"It looks like you've settled in." 

I nodded. "As much as I can." 

Lewis walked around the flat and I silently prayed that I hadn't forgotten anything. I was quick because of the time crunch so it's very plausible that I could have forgotten something. But there was nothing. And I let out a breath as the two took the couch across from me. 

"How have you been, Lu?" 

I shrugged. "Not bad." 

Lewis tilted his head. I had a feeling he would be the one to read through me, which is why I tried so hard to not take his calls. But here he was, sitting across from me. It was much easier to lie when I didn't have to look him in the eyes. 

"You're allowed to not be good. You just lost your godfather." 

"Well, good thing I'm doing just fine." 

He nodded and looked around the room. "Do you have anything in the fridge?" 

I internally cursed myself. The one thing that I wouldn't have had time for. And of course, the one thing he asked about. I sat up a bit. 

"No, I haven't been shopping." 

"Great, then we can go together." 

_ 

I walked next to Lewis as he put things from shelves into his basket. We had been silent, leaving Nico at the flat to unpack in the room I had set up for them. I really hoped his curiosity didn't take over, and cause him to look around the flat. I had covered it up well, but not well enough if people went looking. 

"Alright, how are you actually doing, kid?" 

I looked over at him and he raised an eyebrow at me. "I'm fine?" 

"You've got the darkest circles under your eyes, Kimi would make the joke that someone did burnouts on them. You look skinny, skinnier than when we last saw you. And the house is suspiciously clean for having only a seventeen-year-old girl in it." 

I opened my mouth but then shut it again, realizing I couldn't improvise my way out of this one. He just nodded, continuing to grab things off the shelves as we walked through the shoppe. I wondered if I could tell him just a bit, not enough for him to be actually worried. Just enough to keep him off of my back. 

"I guess I'm not completely fine." 

"I've noticed." 

"Okay, if you're going to be an ass, I'm not talking about this." 

He snorted. "Keep going."

"I don't know. I guess I'm grieving as anyone would." I took a breath, trying to figure out how I wanted to word this. "It just feels weird to be in that house without him there." 

"That's understandable, that flat was where you always assumed you would find him. And now you walk around, maybe subconsciously, looking for him. And he's not there." 

I nodded. "Yeah." 

"But you're wearing the crest." 

My hand went to it. I had forgotten about it or tried to. I was forcing myself not to think about it. If I remembered it was there, then I could remember that he crashed while wearing it. They took it off him when he went into surgery. That, even as I sat in the hospital, I had thought about it being mine. But now that I had it, I didn't want it. I wanted Jules to be wearing it. To walk back into the flat and tease me about stealing it, again. 

"It took me a bit to get there." 

"As most things do. Grieving isn't a step-by-step, kid. There are going to be good days and there are going to be bad days. Just lean on people when you need to, take the time to feel it all, and move on to the next." 

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a/n: this is short, i know. but your girl has to do, and i quote; three papers, a presentation, and a test for finals. which means i have no time. i am stressed. so here is a chapter to hold you over. i promise i will try to get more out. as always, love it or don't :p